How to live from your "Yes!"-- learn to say "No!"

Childhood programing, boundaries, fear, poker, and finding true friendship

Photo by Michał Parzuchowski on Unsplash

One thing I have said yes to is writing here, once a week, and posting a little offering every Thursday morning. And despite the fact that I have about twenty four things I have written that sit in my “drafts” folder as they didn’t make the cut, I feel the strong desire to write something fresh and new.

This week, that is more challenging as I was lucky enough to be gifted not one, but two tickets from different people to an annual event here in El Salvador called Adopting Bitcoin.

I said yes to that as well.

But there was an earlier “no” that held me back from getting a ticket when I arrived.

That was due to the fact that in the US, as far as I understand, every Bitcoin transaction is a taxable event. Tickets were only for sale here in Bitcoin. If I bought a ticket it would have been a taxable event, which I would need to report on my taxes, which would have led to hiring an extra tax person to help me etc…etc…

Now, many people here (and some of you reading this) will probably consider my dilemma with some disgust. The event itself is about Adopting Bitcoin, which means using Bitcoin as money. It is quite amazing to see how easily using Bitcoin as money can be here in El Salvador. With a simple app, a payment can be made as quickly and simply as tapping a credit card to a machine.

But that is not the point of why I am sitting here in my chair, in the silent time before dawn, with my blue-light blocking glasses on, writing to you.

What I want you to know is that I arrived in El Salvador with a sense of holding myself back from paying for anything with Bitcoin because of my fear of doing something “wrong” and my desire to not track Bitcoin transactions for my taxes. I did email the conference providers and asked if I could pay with dollars. I never heard back, which is not surprising, and slightly funny.

I came up with a few strategies to obtain a ticket and I was unsure if I really wanted to go. Rooms at the Hilton where it was being hosted were sold out and I would have liked to stay on site rather than travel from somewhere else to the event.

So, I sat with my uncertainty. A friend told me I could volunteer and attend that way. I joined a Telegram group for volunteers and added my name. But the message I saw said they didn’t need any more people. At least not yet.

But then, as the conference approached one of my new friends offered me a ticket. A few days later, I met an Austrian Economist at my hotel who was presenting at the conference and he offered me another ticket. So, here I am at 4:53 am in the morning, writing to you before I leave for Day 2 of Adopting Bitcoin with a ticket, actually, two tickets.

Anxiety and nervousness are different things; it’s ok to be nervous

If I had gone ahead and purchased one when I first arrived, I would have felt uncomfortable and uncertain about how to deal with it on my taxes. Again, I know this seems simple and for various reasons, for me, it is not. So, the ticket would have been a source of anxiety. I don’t want to live with anxiety.

This is what a good “no” can do for you. If you feel a “no” to something, it is powerful to honor it, despite the social pressure around you. For me, inner uncertainty is also a clue that often, I should wait before I do something.

Nervousness is different. Sometimes, I decide to do something and it is new, so I am nervous. An example is when I bought a one way ticket to El Salvador. I knew I wanted to come, and I was still nervous. I had never been here before, didn’t speak Spanish, and was coming on my own.

There are grey areas I think you only learn to navigate through practice. But the easiest way to start is with a sense of a simple “no” you have inside to something happening in your life.

You know how you feel when you compromise your inner “no”? That feeling you get when somehow, you cross an inner line inside yourself and allow something to happen that just doesn’t feel right?

Many of us learned to cross that line and ignore how we felt as children, to please other people. I wrote about that a little bit last week which I believe, has catalyzed the theme to play out in my life more.

It takes practice and courage to say no

That’s a good thing. It takes practice to say, “no". It takes courage.

If I really wanted to go to the conference, there were various ways I could have done it and paid in a way that felt comfortable to me. My “no” would not have caused me to miss out.

But in the end, it was so easy. I just had to keep holding true to what felt comfortable for me, and honor it. The energy in the form of a ticket, formed around my inner alignment.

Which brings me to poker.

I have only played poker a few times in my life. One was long ago, in the depths of a fraternity house at UC Berkeley with my boyfriend’s fraternity brothers. Cigar smoke drifted through the air of the dimly-lit basement as their eyes ran slowly up and down me while they assessed whether they would let me play. I think I looked like easy prey. They offered me a seat.

This experience became one those memories in life that I like to revisit. I believe, to their chagrin, luck or divine providence was with me that afternoon. I was dealt hand after hand of winning cards. Poker was easy. I listened to the soft sound of the plastic chips clicking together as I reached across the green felt to pull them towards me in a soft embrace.

There was a moment I remember thinking I had simply bluffed whilst betting and then showed my cards and learned there was something called a flush (which means all the cards are the same suit). I had played lots of card games growing up and never one where all you had to have was the same suit, in any order, to win. I found out my attempt to bluff was not actually bluffing.

I pulled another massive pile of chips toward myself and smiled. Poker was fun. My boyfriend whispered like a quietly hissing, angry snake in my ear, that in poker, when you are winning, you are not allowed to show any glee on your face. Oh well. I have always been told my face is very telling.

I love to revisit that memory.

So, when two of my new friends here in El Salvador mentioned they hosted a poker game and soon after, invited me to the next one, I was happy to say yes. It was a chance to spend time with them and play a game with people, in person! It is funny how that in itself, can now feel like a revolutionary act. A game in person and not simply on an app? It is ok to take time to play games? With real people? With adults? Ahhh…

I was worried though. I hadn’t played since that fraternity night many years ago and I wanted to practice and be ready. Perfectionism is also an issue I struggle with.

The night before, I was at my favorite restaurant, Vikingo, celebrating my newly-acquired residency, when someone sat down at the counter next to me. I was happy and I was tired. Vikingo is filled with a lot of energy. I had a bowl of Pad Thai noodles in front of me and a can of beer, both of which I only get at Vikingo. I don’t usually drink. Except for the icy can of craft beer they have there. I sat with my quota of one beer or less for the week.

The man next to me seemed sparky and energized, unlike me. I told him about my upcoming invitation to the poker game. I knew he had played with my friends before as they had introduced me to him on the street and told me that he joined them. Since he was going to the same event, I asked him if he would play some practice games with me and teach me a bit before I showed up.

He refused, and instead, over dinner, began to throw poker terminology at my foggy brain, whilst suggesting I study YouTube videos and write the basics of winning hands I learned from the videos in a notebook.

I found my time with him detracted, rather than enhanced my residency celebration.

And I am also stubborn. I did go back to my room and watch a few videos. I did take some notes. But that was not what I wanted. I wanted to learn-by-doing, which I know is the best way for me and also more fun.

The next morning, I saw Mike. Mike stays here as well. He is friendly and has offered tips on how to do things here in El Salvador, when I have asked. I was eating breakfast when I spied him across the room and decided to throw a fish hook his way.

“Hey Mike. Do you know how to play poker?”

Mike’s eyes lit up as he looked at me sideways and smiled a little half-smile. “Yeah. Yeah. I play poker.” Then he went into a rapid fire story of his recent poker adventure at a casino in the states.

“Would you teach me?” I said.

My friend, with a similar name to my own, was with me. We had planned to go on a walk but this opportunity was more enticing. Tara was in. She liked games too.

Mike assessed us. It was similar to the guys in the fraternity, but he was more friendly. Nevertheless, his eyes did that up and down thing as he decided if this was going to be fun for him and if we were worth teaching.

His decision was quick. Suddenly, there was a pile of random change on the table, a deck of cards (with one that showed winning poker hands that he offered to let me take with me) and Mike, speaking with enthusiasm. He said we would start with the cards face up. Mike knew how to teach.

I was not dealt any royal flushes. I don’t think I won at all. But we all had fun and Mike decided our hotel needed a poker night. He planned to ask Alex, the owner, if it would be ok.

This was my kind of game. I felt prepared for the event with my friends in the afternoon.

Later, notebook in hand, I arrived at their house a few minutes late (I had been off crawling through the hills again looking at properties here). Slightly breathless, I found a seat at the table. It was a real poker table. New. And almost every seat was full. There must have been eight people there.

The guy from the night before was dealing and the open seat that awaited me was next to him.

It didn’t take long to realize that these people were serious. At least, the guy dealing was. The game was also moving fast. I was criticized twice by the “dealer” guy next to me for not holding my cards close enough. He complained that he could see them. He was also tall and was sitting in a chair much higher than mine. But still. This seemed to be a travesty I needed to remedy quickly. He was quite upset by it.

We went through a few rounds and I held my notebook open on my lap with my notes and tried to keep it from falling as I clutched my cards and watched rapid-fire things happening in front of me. Cards flew across the table, chips moved in and out of the middle. The guy dealing was in charge. He did almost all the talking. I tried to remember what each of my chips was worth. I wrote it down in my notebook and I had to keep looking. My brain does not like to remember things under pressure and my brain was fighting with me.

Mostly, I kept folding, which means I did nothing but throw my cards in and quit playing early. I wasn’t getting cards that looked exciting.

But finally, I did have a hand I considered playing. I made a choice and folded instead. My friend, the hostess, had done the same. Since we were done, I leaned over and quietly asked her if she would look at my now-useless cards and let me know if she would have stayed in.

The man next to me continued to deal every hand. I was told earlier by Mike that this is the way it is done in casinos (which I personally can’t spend time in as the energy of a casino has always had a heart-breaking feel to me). Mike taught Tara and I how the job of dealing was passed around the table when you were not in a casino. Other things happen as the person dealing changes as well. He taught us how it all worked. He mentioned that in a casino things would be different but in a “friendly” game, people took turns dealing. I practiced so I would be ready.

But then I showed up and sat next to the casino-serious-I-do-all-the-dealing guy. He was also telling people how important it was that they not get anything on the table as the cards would not slide correctly across the green felt. He demonstrated by flicking a card towards someone and laughed self-assuredly as it glided silently across the felt like a pair of sharpened ice skates.

Now, you probably are getting the idea that I was not as comfortable as I had been at my hotel, with the old deck of cards, the mixed change that we had to pretend all had the same value, and the old, unfinished wooden table that was far from smooth.

You would be right.

And, I know not everything is fun. Learning opportunities are not always fun. They can be excruciating. But I have found when I get through them, and learn what they have come to teach me, life does become more fun.

One thing I like to do is ask myself how I feel. I have had enough past learning opportunities to learn that how I feel matters. I have learned from experience that it is important to check in and to take care of myself. This is one way to recover from codependency. How am I? What do I need? What do I want right now? You know…all those things I wrote about last week…

Things will happen in your life so you can grow; they are opportunities

Here’s the thing.

God is not going to let me just write to you. I have found that if I write about something, the theme is likely to show up in my life. Last week, I attempted to write to you about saying “no”.

So, there I was at the serious poker table, with some serious “poker” faces, and I had just asked my friend a whispered question about the hand I decided not to play.

The dealer, like a predatory bird observing everything, immediately swooped down on me, talons extended. He paused his dealing and almost constant stream of words to everyone to inform me that my question was NOT ALLOWED. I could ask later. I needed to figure things out for myself.

I argued a bit that I thought it was good to ask questions while learning. He told me it was a bad habit. I told him it was a temporary thing and re-iterated I was learning. He reiterated that my question was not allowed. He looked down his nose, perched above me on his chair, like the predatory bird he was.

I felt the mouse inside of me.

And I paused.

Now, this is key. When difficult things are happening in life, there is nothing like pausing and checking in to see how you are doing.

I did that. It didn’t take long and I felt I didn’t have a lot of time. I needed to choose. The choice point was in front of me.

Pause when you feel a choice point so you can choose what is right for you

I noticed I was not having fun. I felt how uncomfortable I was sitting next to him.

And I could see my two options.

I could stay and be friendly. I could be quiet. Do my best. Smile a bit. People would probably like me. Maybe I would belong a little bit more in this new community? But I would be compromising myself for that. I would not be honoring what felt good for me. And that, that is what I had learned to do as a child.

Some people refer to it as a capacity to act like a chameleon. You can change your behavior and your outward actions to please the people around you, so they (and usually not you) will be comfortable and happy.

I noticed the choice point in front of me at that poker table. Stay and please people, or walk away.

I told my friend next to me, the one I liked so much that I enjoyed being with, the friend that invited me, that I was leaving.

She calmly insisted in refunding my remaining chips (which were almost all of them) and I stood up and walked away. I felt like everyone was both ignoring and silently watching and judging me. That doesn’t mean they were. I have no idea. It is just how it felt in the moment, to do what I was doing.

Back at the hotel my friends were chatting around the pool. Mike and Tara smiled at me and asked how my poker game went? I told them about my experience with the predatory dealer. Mike smiled compassionately and nodded his head. “There’s always one like that Terra. I warned you.”

That’s true. He had. During our practice games he mentioned there is always someone who likes to show up at a “friendly” poker game and play like it is happening in a casino.

Their empathy was soothing. Plus, Mike’s eyes changed quickly into delight with the topic of poker and he started talking again about setting up a poker game at the hotel. People were smiling and laughing.

I told myself I still had friends.

But then my worry kicked in a bit.

Because the couple that invited me to their house to play were two people I really liked. They were new friends whose friendship I valued. I wondered if they would still want to be friends with me when I got up and left the game?

It can be hard to say no

Finding a “No!” is not easy. You will question yourself. Sometimes, many times, people will not like it. Especially people who are used to your chameleon self. People like being pleased. I like to be pleased. Don’t we all? When you prioritize yourself, which might mean going against something other people want, the other people might get angry.

My parents got angry when I said no. My general life experience up to that point was that saying “No” would probably not make the people around me happy.

I woke up the next morning early and reached out to soothe myself on my phone by scrolling through YouTube videos. Maybe I was looking for a hit of dopamine? But I didn’t have to scroll. At the top of my feed was a video by Gabor Mate about saying “No!” to things. I lay in bed, snuggled into my blankets more, and started listening.

Gabor Mate has written several books and is considered one of the experts on addiction, trauma, and recovery. I love his work and his kind and soothing voice. I think it was not by chance that these videos were at the top of my feed. There was more than one on the topic and they played on their own, one after another. I didn’t have to do anything but close my eyes and listen.

One thing that struck me was when he said that people may not like your no.

Then he said, that this is where you learn who your true friends are. True friends are ok with you saying no to things that don’t feel right for you. They will celebrate your no.

True friends are going to be ok with your no; true friends want you to take care of yourself

My friends, the couple who had invited me to their poker party, had also provided me with a ticket to the Adopting Bitcoin conference here in El Salvador and offered to drive me.

I didn’t know what time we were leaving and I wondered, if they still wanted to go with me after I so abruptly left their party?

So I texted my new female friend about when I should meet them and she suggested I text her husband and ask him. My mind started to make up a story up about this. Maybe he was angry? Maybe they were going to tell me they preferred not to drive with me (and I would have understood)? The morning of our departure had arrived and I had not heard back from either of them. I had someone else who had also offered to take me.

So, I decided to just be authentic and tell the truth. I left them both a voice text and told them why I left the poker party, that it was a huge thing for me to honor the no in myself and that I also valued their friendship. I told them my mind was making up some stories about how they might be feeling and I told them what my mind was telling me.

And then it happened.

The unexpected thing.

These new friends that I had recently told myself were people I actually feel like I can really, really be fully myself with…these new creative, artistic, smart friends whose party I had left so abruptly… texted me back.

And they showed me that they were in that category of people Gabor was talking about on my phone that the morning. The category of people who were fine with me honoring my no and my own needs.

They were just busy. They hadn’t texted me back yet because they were still figuring out the time to leave and were waiting to hear back from a babysitter. One of them had been surfing. You know. Busy. Authentically busy and enjoying life.

They said they were so happy I took care of myself and that they were enjoying their friendship with me.

Later at the conference, my friend’s husband walked up to me smiling. He thanked me for my voice text and I kissed him on the cheek without thinking. Their response meant so much to me.

Honor your inner integrity, do what is right for you

But, and this is so important, so very key:

Even if they had not approved of my actions, the most important thing was that I did what was right for me.

I honored my inner integrity even though it was hard to do it at a fancy poker table with a lot of people watching.

And I think that opens something up. With every no, you and I also say yes to something else.

Your “no” is a “yes” to something else

I have a yes to fun. A yes to putting myself in situations where I feel relaxed and supported. A yes to learning, even when it is hard. And a yes to finding friends I can be myself with.

I got all those things.

So…

Until next week…Becoming a Butterfly, signing off. I have an early ride to Adopting Bitcoin with another new friend.

The most important thing in all this is to remember: a no, is a yes to a lot of things.