Caretaking, what it really means (re-sent for this week)
how to accept oneself, a story from the Hariharalaya Retreat Center, Cambodia
Well, I wrote this for next week and sent it early by mistake, so you received two things from me last week. I am sending it again in case you missed it…and to stay consistent with my weekly offerings. For most of you, this will be a repeat and I am thinking of you today with love. I hope you feel a sense of the image above and can hold yourself and the parts of you that have been doing their best regardless of what you may think, with love.
I think a lot about energy and how things work. For instance, I have come to realize that to truly give to another, one must be able to receive. Sure one can buy gifts, offer hugs, or supportive words. But if the person doing so really doesn’t love themselves, or accept themselves enough to be able to take love in, they really can’t offer it outwardly. Not truly.
This is not anyone’s fault, just what happens when energetic channels become blocked for what to me always seem to be very good reasons. It is a process to get things flowing again.
I had one more story to write last week, but it felt like it needed to be held separately. Like it would be too much to throw in with the rest of the many things I was busy weaving into a little offering.
Plus, I was also busy holding it softly between my hands, still taking it in.
It has to do with care and it has to do with me. I hope that perhaps, it may touch something in you and for you as well.
Everyday at the Hariharalaya Retreat Center, there was a theme and an invitation to journal about the topic. Day 5 was “Love.” Day 4 was “Gratitude.” Then there was “Forgiveness.” One day, the theme involved what we wanted to release.
“It would be great for you to journal about this as we will have a fire ceremony tomorrow and you will be able to use that time to burn what you no longer wish to carry,” said one of our guides as she pointed at the sign next to the buffet where we were gathered in a circle preparing to eat. I don’t know if the word on the sign actually said “Release” because I wrote it on the paper I used to list such things that came to me and that was the paper that ended up in the fire.
But I am getting ahead of myself.
After we ate, I took a few minutes to write some things down. It didn’t take long. There were themes I have been working on for quite sometime. Some began at the Chalice Well where I prayed to release any resentment. I quickly added more things like self-hatred, anger, judgement, and regret. A few minutes later I had a list of maybe fifteen things and set my journal aside. The activity had been pretty easy.
But the next day as the fire ceremony approached, I looked at my list again and read through all the things. They were a prayer and they mattered to me. I realized I didn’t want to just rip the paper out and put them into the fire all at once. It seemed better to feed them to the flames a little bit at a time. I didn’t want to create any indigestion and I wanted to really feel each wish consciously.
My friends assured me I could find some scissors and told me to ask the kitchen staff and soon after one of our meals, I was sitting with them carefully cutting my paper into little pieces with a sentence or two on each one.
Timo was with me again and I wondered about so many delicate things that meant so much to me.
“Do you think you could help me constellate these?” I asked. I know, it is a strange question and there is a way to work with energy fields called constellation work. It reminds me a little bit of acting. An actor can step into a roll and assume it, without actually losing who they really are. Constellation work is a little like that, except you do it with energy.
All the wishes on my pieces of paper could be represented by people, but I knew there were too many. I really didn’t know what I was specifically asking for, except I wanted some help to work with what I had put as tiny prayers on paper before the ceremony began.
Timo looked over at me kindly, smiled and said, “Of course!”
We didn’t have much time before the next scheduled activity. Just a few minutes. No one with us knew anything about family constellation work.
I wondered how we could possibly do anything?
But Timo didn’t hesitate and did something that is quite familiar to me. I do the same thing frequently when choosing a Tarot or Oracle card.
After glancing at the daunting-to-me expanse of tiny papers strewn over the table, he held out his hand and moved it over them slowly.
“Ahhh!” he said, like someone would who found the macadamia nut in a jar of peanuts. “This one!”
He took it in his hand and stood up. I think he read it.
“Let’s stand here,” he said, as he moved next to the seats we were using.
“You stand across from me.”
I let myself start to feel whatever there was to feel, but not for long as Timo looked at me and said, “Can you hug me?”
It sounds like a strange question, but I knew he represented something and it was the something I had written on that piece of paper. I tried to remember the exact words and things had happened so fast, I wasn’t even certain what they said.
But as I looked at him, I did not feel like hugging him at all. I didn’t feel revulsion, but hugging THAT, whatever THAT was, didn’t feel easy.
He saw me hesitate and asked me again, “Can you hug me?”
“Well, it doesn’t feel easy,” I said.
He just waited.
And I evaluated things.
In constellation work you don’t force things, and we didn’t have much time. What if I tried? The worst thing that could happen was I would report that I did it, but not authentically.
“I can try, but I don’t know if I can really feel it,” I said.
Then I reached out and hugged my friend who was not my friend, but represented something. Something that I wasn’t so sure I wanted to hug. I was trying to figure out if I found whatever it was slightly revolting.
But the moment my arms wrapped around him, things felt ok.
“I can do it!” I said. “But I don’t know what it means. What are you representing?”
I reached for the piece of paper in his hand and read the words I had written.
I let go of resistance to what is or what has been.
“I don’t understand,” I said, as I looked at him quizzically.
“I was you!” he said smiling. “You know Terra, all the things you have been hard on yourself for, all the things you told me about.”
I remembered telling him about the choice point years ago, when I stared at an engagement ring for twenty minutes, the job I was fired from, how hard I tried to succeed and my sense of feeling thwarted and finally simply giving up and deciding to live the life society told me was mine to achieve.
“You have always done your best,” he said, kindness filling every syllable. “I had a sense you could call on Angel Raphael as a resource so you can hold yourself from the past and move into the future.”
“I have seen him show up sometimes in my mind,” I said…
“Well, he is an angel of healing,” smiled my friend, “so it is good he shows up for you.”
A few days before Timo had pointed out my shadow side to me. The place he felt I had put a part of myself that I judged and tucked in a little black box which was surrounded by anxiety.
Now he was showing me something…something similar to what he told me a few days before, which was that the solution to that little black box was to feel the care of the universe around me.
Through Timo, I was hugging myself, the “me” that I thought had failed. The “me” that was too afraid to take the path of uncertainty. The “me” that finally sighed and gave up her dreams.
He was showing me how to love it all and how to stop finding fault with path I have walked. He was telling me that nothing was wrong with me and that I was worthy of every drop of love and care I had in me. I just had to say yes to everything I had been and ever done. I had to see myself with care, through the eyes of love.
That is what he showed me, in a few moments by the lunch table as he held a tiny piece of paper. And let me tell you, that moment, beautiful and powerful as it was, was not and has not been easy to take in. Like so many things, it is an opportunity.
I am still practicing.
I am still reliving it.
Later that night I placed each piece of paper in the fire and prayed to truly release the things I felt no longer served me.
That little piece of paper had taken on a deeper meaning.
Jo-el, the man who started the retreat center and who had just returned from spending the past few months sitting at the feet of some of his teachers in India, gave a few talks to our group. He closed his eyes and begin to speak. It felt to me like he was channeling his soul.
“Vulnerability allows us to grow,” he said.
“Saying: ‘It should be like this’ is torture.
The key is to cultivate centeredness and rootedness and to allow what is.
To bow down to everything that brought you to this moment.
Often it is the troubles that bring us to where we are going.
You can take the path of Surrender instead of the path of Control.”
—Jo-el Altman (paraphrased from my notes)
My new friend, Renee, in Australia said something similar to me. “You know Terra, we think we are choosing, but in the end it doesn’t matter what choice we make,” and she took her hands and moved them in the shape of a river that separated into two channels. “Because things always take us to where we are meant to be,” and she put her hands together again, like water that found the sea.
“I think we have more choice than that,” I said. “I think we have more sovereignty than most of us think.”
But I didn’t tell her that at the same time I knew from a certain perspective she was right and from a certain perspective, it would be very helpful if I could keep giving the parts of me a hug that I had been judging.
It was time to simply love me.
And kind and obvious as that sounds, it is not always easy. Just like it was not easy to reach across and hug my friend and the mystery of what he represented. But I did it.
In order to give, we must be able to receive.
Today I spent time lying in the sun reading. It has been a slow day, which feels like an incredible gift.
It was quiet and hot. A breeze rustled through the leaves in the trees.
I decided to take a moment to get into my friend’s pool to cool off. She told me it is full of minerals and has very little chlorine.
“Are you glad you put it in?” I asked the day before. “I have noticed over the past year how much care they seem to need.”
“Oh, it does take a lot of care, but I use it,” she said. “I love to go swimming.”
I sat in the water. It was quiet except for the sounds of birds and a few bees. It felt soft against my skin and incredibly soothing. I ran my hands over the surface and watched light dance across the bottom through the ripples as I thought of houses and pools and the care they need.
My hands continued to float and glide…there was a gentleness to the sensation. Care…I thought. That is how life is. Houses, pools, things…they need care…and it can feel nice to care for things.
The memory of that moment with Timo floated through my mind again as I noticed a little round plastic circle on the step under the water next to me. There was a word written on it. I peered down and looked a little closer: “CARETAKER 99” stared back at me.
I smiled.
Yes, I understood.
This is what it is like to be caretaking, and it felt a lot like loving.
There was another quote I had written down at the retreat center. Jo-el had handed me two books from some of his teachers. I had opened one and read a bit. I sighed inside myself. “This feels like it is just making me think about things. I really want to experience what she is talking about. I am tired of trying to learn by reading words.”
I opened the book randomly to another page, like drawing a card from a Tarot deck to see if the book had any special message for me.
What I saw felt validating and after reading it, I set the book aside guilt free.
“Mere words are not enough to communicate true teaching. One has to know it directly. Every word is an illusion until it becomes our own truth.”
—Ganga Ma, Silent Presence, Vol. 1, p.97
Blessings on your own journey and Happy Holidays however you choose to honor and celebrate things…with love from a Butterfly, learning about the love in truly caretaking…
Disclaimer:
The opinions and information presented on this blog are solely the author’s and do not constitute professional advice in any field, including psychology, metaphysics, finance, or psychedelics. The author is not a licensed therapist, counselor, financial advisor, or medical professional, and any advice or guidance provided is based on personal research and experience. Readers should consult qualified professionals in each respective field for personalized guidance.
By reading and using information on this blog, you acknowledge that you understand and accept these limitations, and agree to hold the author harmless for any consequences arising from your actions or decisions based on the blog’s content.
Specifically
Any discussions of psychological or metaphysical topics are based on the author’s personal exploration and understanding, and should not be taken as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling.
Nothing spoken of is intended as financial advice and recommendations are not provided. Readers should consult qualified financial advisors before making investment or financial decisions.
Discussions of psychedelics and their potential uses are based on the author’s research and personal experience, and should not be taken as medical advice or a substitute for professional medical treatment.
By continuing to read and use this blog, you acknowledge that you understand and agree to these terms.
Happy holidays! May your truth find the other side of language. Bless you Terra. Thanks so much for sharing here this year. 🙏❤️💫