What about love? Do you need a partner to fulfill your dreams?

"I want to be loved." What does that mean and how do you receive? Some lessons from Nala on love and energy.

Juggler at the Awake Retreat Center, photo by Terra Brooke

“I want to be loved.”

That is the prayer that came to me in December on the beach.

Ever since, I have wondered what it means?

Because in so many ways, I have felt truly and deeply loved.

My uncle has loved me by offering care, and a place to stay when I needed it.

He has laughed with me.

My cousin has loved me when we went on a quest to buy a magic wand and he accompanied and cared for me as I sat and took my second strong dose of mushrooms.

I held my new wand, with candles flickering, and determination to get an answer from God about why I am here. My cousin was there for it all. He chose beautiful music and played it for me. And I talked to God, stubbornly, and got an answer that satisfied me.

My cousin loved me.

Quietly.

Beautifully.

My sons have loved me.

I have friends who love me.

So what does “I want to be loved” really mean and why did those words, that prayer, drop into my mind in December, 2023, on the beach?

A second clue from God came during a cacao ceremony.

A word came to me on New Years Eve and I knew it was related to the previous phrase I had been investigating.

“Worthy.”

Ok God. So I need to feel worthy. To be loved?

Ok.

I can work on that.

Ask and you shall receive.

Something in me felt the need to tell God that “I want to be loved.”

Despite what my mind thinks about how I already am loved. Despite how generally satisfied I am at this time with the current conditions of my life journey.

And that something needed to hear the word, “worthy.”

So, I figured “worthy,” the feeling of worthiness of love, was probably a necessary ingredient.

Yet, still…I did feel loved, so what did that prayer and wish that dropped into my brain really mean? What was God trying to teach me, to show me?

I was still wondering…

I have watched people in relationships for years, with curiosity. I have watched them like Sherlock Holmes, studying a case to figure out the answer. I ask myself if the people I see are really happy? Often I conclude: “No, Terra. Not really.” And my mind wonders if a truly loving, caring, supportive, intimate partnership with someone is actually a possibility?

Because as time goes by, I am happier and happier on my own. I have learned to be alone.

I think God has decided to address these questions for me. The answer is in the process of unfolding.

Which brings me to this morning where I was sitting with my cup of cacao, in my casita, deciding what to write to you.

There were so many things I could choose to write about. At Awake, much happens and ideas swirl like little whirlwinds through my energy field.

Out my screen window I see Nala coming. She is the mother of the founder of Awake. She is dressed in blue fabric that flows and billows around her like a soft cloud. We are friends now. She is an artist and has painted mandalas that sprinkle this place like tiny blessings of grace. Sometimes when I sit with her, I feel the energy shift and I am in an altered state that I know so well. The energy feels more clear. More clean.

Mandala by Nala Joy, photo from Nala (Nala Joy’s work is available here. She also sells duvet covers with her mandalas printed on them)

I leave my writing to sit with her, to catch up a bit since my arrival. I am sweaty. I am not yet officially dressed. My contacts are not in. I have not even brushed my teeth.

But I know when a blessing is heading my way, in flowing blue fabric with a serene smile and I say yes to God’s offering.

When I am with Nala, I feel like I am with a friend I have known since the time of Jesus and the space is filled with Magdalene energy. It is a frequency state that is familiar. It vibrates with clarity and beauty.

Nala asks how long I have lived alone and I tell her. Since 2012. She says that is a long time and comments on what that must take for me. I tell her it simply happened, the capacity to be alone grew in me because of my need. A lot happened after my divorce then. One outcome was that for a time, I truly lost everything I had known including a connection to most of my family.

I had to learn to be alone, metaphorically. I know truly, I never am and never shall be alone, as those angels, guides and divine energy are always listening and with me. Even now as I am typing, they are asking: “How is she doing? What does she need?”

It is a beautiful thing. This morning they sent Nala to me.

Nala and I talk about relationships and love. I can tell she has a gift to offer me. I have told her my story. How my family fell apart. My current curiosity around love, relationships, and the various forms of masculine energy that have crossed my field. She listens with interest and without flinching, much.

Nala tells me that love is a frequency. The more you feel you have it, truly, the more it really lands in your body. And feeling something is different from thinking about it.

I tell her I don’t know what I want to ask God for when it comes to love and partnership. I don’t know.

Really.

I don’t know if I want a relationship or to live alone. Sherlock Holmes tells me that my research is pointing towards “alone” recently.

Living alone has become a peaceful adventure. Interesting people flow in and out of my life and swirl around like fragrances. As they move on, I come back to my sanctuary.

Do I want a relationship? Is love and feeling it through a committed relationship even a real possibility or something I even want anymore?

Nala tells me that she has found that feeling how she already has whatever it is that she wants, is helpful. That energy is not something we reach out to obtain. It is something we feel inside.

You feel how you are so loved. You feel the feelings of that, and it is enough.

I am doing that. I can feel that. When it comes to people, I realize that love feels like care. It feels like acceptance. It feels like a soft pillow that I can sink into. It feels like ease. It feels relaxing. It can feel happy. It can feel like empathy when I am sad. It can feel like Nala, sitting with me, teaching me.

She tells me partnership can simply be an adventure together on this journey of life. It is not necessary. It might be helpful or welcome. It is also ok to be alone.

Love is a flowing thing.

Feel loved.

That is attractive.

“Terra,” she said, “it is not attractive to be looking outward for something. Men find that frightening.”

Nala’s earlier words echo in me. They were something like this:

“Terra, you have to feel it, inside you. You have to know that you already have it. You have to be what you seek.”

I tend to agree. It will never work to look for someone to love me “out there.” They will only end up disappointing me and no one wants to feel like a disappointment to someone.

Looking for something from someone out of lack or need, is simply not healthy. It is fine to receive. It is lovely to feel sad and have someone show up to hold me or offer words of wisdom. And, the key is that if no one is there, I can be sad and still feel held, still feel care, still feel the love. It is a frequency. It shows up through people. But it is here always. Resonating.

There is a man close to my age from Germany. He likes and wants to dance with me. He probably would like to explore more with me and I feel him nearby and how he feels me, but not deeply. How he wants something, including to be received. He is not pushy. And he is not right for me. Perhaps he is looking “out there” for someone a bit? I am not sure. But if that is the case, he would find me disappointing. It wouldn’t be my fault. It is simply a love thing.

“You feel how you are loved Terra, and then if there is a partner there for you, they will show up. And if not, that is fine as well.”

She tells me about her son. How he does not look for relationships. How he is fine on his own. And also, how he and his current partner help each other grow.

This sounds like a beautiful thing.

“I want to be loved.”

There have been young men that have shown up to love me. I found myself confused by this. I tell Nala my recent experiences with them and she reminds me that older women are attractive to younger men. We are not wanting so many things.

This is true.

I have had my babies. I don’t want more. In that way, I am free of that version of life.

I am free to be me.

Maybe there are gifts in age that are attractive that I have not seen.

I tell Nala that I am not looking for someone who just wants to sleep with me.

I am good at making friends. I have been told I am a good listener. People tell me things.

I wonder why sometimes, for whatever reason, I often know more about the inner workings of my environment than those around me.

A good listener is attractive.

People want to feel received.

Many people are lonely.

I look at Nala in all her beauty.

She is older than me.

And she is offering me a gift.

Just keep feeling how I am loved and it is enough, she tells me.

If I meet someone that feels like a resonant partner on this journey, that is fine.

If I am on my own, enjoying the peace and tranquility of my hard-won capacity to enjoy the beauty of aloneness, that is fine as well.

Just feel how much I am loved in it all.

I am not alone.

I am never alone.

I am supported by subtle beings.

I am supported by the energy of grasshoppers. A four inch one landed on me last night to say hello after I admired it for a time on top of someone’s straw hat.

My phone sends me repeating numbers all the time. 4:44. 2:22. 11:11. 5:55, 8:08, 7:07.

This is not by chance.

I am loved and I am not alone.

Right now the construction workers are talking. There is the sound of a saw as there is always building going on here. I hear birds singing. Various butterflies fly by.

I have cacao, almost finished, next to me.

I have time today, to flow with everything. Time to find a way to the farmer’s market for bananas. Time to sit at the river. Time for yoga. Time for writing. And time to feel, that I am loved. How much I am loved.

Last night I was at a concert and I saw my friend, Cristian. He owns a coffee shop here. He is younger than me. And he stayed near me dancing. Cristian loves me. I know this from his firm hug and his happy smile when he sees me. I know this because he is not pushy. He simply loves me and dances near me.

I know this from Héctor, who spends time teaching me. I feel also how he has taught me about love. How he has told me about his monogamous relationship with someone that he sees infrequently, simply because they are both engaged artists, in different countries. That doesn’t mean a relationship can’t be. Anything can be. Maybe the form really doesn’t matter in the end.

I want to be loved.

And I am.

I want to feel worthy.

I am getting there, mostly.

I appreciate you all so much…you who are here and read to the end... I feel like open hands are there, receiving what I am crafting and that is a great gift to me. Receiving goes both ways and I am learning to soak in all this beauty with you, and the amazing writers here with whom I am truly honored to be in contact.

I am still learning about the nuts and bolts of this platform. Please leave a comment if you might be able to support me with improving my skill level and comfort around this.

Mandala by Nala Joy, Photo courtesy of Nala, find her here