Fasting, psychedelics, and conversing with God...

A surprising journey to slowness in a busy world

So, here’s the thing.

It is hard to be here.

I mean, it is beautiful on this planet. It is exquisite to sit at 11,000 feet alone in a meadow of wildflowers in August, in Colorado, by a crisp, clear, icy cold babbling brook of freshly melted snow. And it is lovely to attempt something resembling Mongolian throat singing from a recent on-line workshop when no one can hear.

There are bees still for heaven’s sake, and they are sweet.

I mention that as my mind was recently busy going through beautiful experiences I have had. It was doing that, along with a lot of other things, the night before I took psychedelic mushrooms again, for the fifth time. The night I wanted to be resting to finish the physical and spiritual cleansing and preparation I had done all week.

That was the night I woke up at 12:12 am and began not-sleeping. I was still preparing, mentally. I just didn’t know it.

At 12:12 am, very much awake, I switched off airplane mode on my phone and looked up “the spiritual meaning of 12:12”.

I see repeating numbers like that all the time. You would think I would just memorize what they mean and there is something satisfying in typing “spiritual meaning of 12:12” into my Brave browser. Especially when I can’t sleep. Now an AI robot named Leo comes up a with summary for me, so I get to read new things.

I am wary of AI, but when it comes to repeating numbers and Leo, this has been working just fine. I still trust my own intuition to sort through what feels resonant for me, personally.

This time I found something about Merkabas, which are lovely three-dimensional shapes I didn’t know much about, with twelve points. There was information about how this star shape can spin in two directions concurrently and how that action is useful for balancing one’s energy.

I ordered one.

Energetic balance seems useful to me.

I figured all this had something to do with my psychedelic journey the next day. I had been wondering what specific question I had for God. I don’t take such journeys lightly. I have never taken mushrooms recreationally. For me, they are a sacred plant medicine and I both love and respect them. I know they can also be ass-kicking, so I was nervous. Just because something is sacred doesn’t mean it is easy.

I don’t know what exactly prompted me to do a water fast, juice cleanse, and psychedelic journey at this time, but something did. By chance, the week I chose coincided with a lot of solar flares. My friend Suez also told me we all have a certain phase of the moon that coincides with our birth charts. It is a time of the month when it is easier for one’s energy to rise up the spine.

I figured it was probably going to be during this week. I gave her my birth information.

Yep.

Perfect timing.

Somehow, in all that, I feel God is guiding me and that is a relief. And I don’t think it is just me. I don’t tell you this so you think I am special in some way. I truly believe you are just as guided as me and the more you and I trust ourselves, even when we feel nervous and squirrel-like, the more we can receive.

In fact, feeling excited and scared is often a good sign that you are in one of those standing-on-the-edge of a transformational cliff moments, peering over the edge. It can be a good thing.

So, as I peered over the edge of the cliff whilst water fasting, I considered my intention for my upcoming journey and talk with God. I feel like mushrooms facilitate the body’s capacity to receive. If you dive into a book or two, and check out what happens to the brain whilst taking mushrooms, you will see what I mean. Your neural network lights up and the flow of energy in the brain is greatly increased.

One journey left me with a headache, which I rarely experience. I realized my brain was tired. It had worked out, just like a muscle. I bought other mushrooms to support it in the future.

This time, despite feeling drawn to do all of this, I couldn’t find any specific set of words to express what it was I actually wanted to learn or talk to God about. Which troubled me. I wanted to be prepared. That made it all less scary.

I think that is when my mind took over, and I spent the night awake, contemplating past events in my life and reading about Merkabas.

I think my mind was also reminding me of the beauty of the world. Sometimes, I struggle with what I see happening that feels quite the opposite to me.

It is true. The world is beautiful. Exquisitely so. Wonderfully so.

And the world is also completely mad, isn’t it?

You and I both know it.

I realize now, that at 57, almost everything I was taught seems wrong.

#1: salt is bad for you

*no it isn’t (if it’s natural and not laced with fluoride)

#2: children should go to school

*I gave it my best shot and I think I would have been better off doing my own thing

#3: this food/diet (fill in the blank as this one is constantly changing) is bad/good for you

*So far, if I experiment and decide what food I eat based on my own discernment, and intuition, I feel better than when I try to follow any current diet craze. Is my food organic? Is it highly processed? Does it make me happy to eat this? Does this contribute to my sense of clarity?

Easy, right?

You can do that too.

We might not pick the same foods to eat.

That’s OK!

Plus, I have a sense of knowing, even though I am not currently trained in this, that people can live on energy alone…so all the focus on one type of diet to achieve optimal health seems to miss the mark to me. In the end, we are energetic beings and this life experience is all about energy and frequency.

#4: you need to be afraid of the sun and wear sun protection or you will get skin cancer

*You will have to check on me when I am 95 and I will let you know how it went. But I no longer believe this to be true. I have a golden tan, use coconut oil (which has an SPF I heard, of 5), and feel really good soaking in sunshine here in El Salvador. I meet people who come here to heal from EMF exposure and do. They want to get lots of sunshine on their skin, and often have their bare feet on the earth. One lovely young man with a golden tan peeling off his freckled cheeks, smiles at me and tells me how coming here for those and other things, saved his life. Then I notice that I have family members who use sunscreen and still seem to get skin cancer. Like I said, you’ll have to check on me in about 40 years and I will let you know how it went.

#5:

Go ahead and see what comes to you...

Your list of things you were taught to believe that don’t seem true anymore will be different from mine.

Your list may not match or agree with mine.

That’s ok too.

The thing is, much of what we are taught or conditioned to believe ends up to be just that: conditioning.

It is nice to start questioning it and find what feels true For You. That is going to be in divine alignment, even if it differs from me and other people. Because you are listening to your own inner guidance and soul. That matters a lot.

So….where did we leave off?

Oh yes. Awake at 12:12 am.

So, prior to that, I had spent a few months curious about water fasting. I am not sure what got me interested. I have juice-fasted a few times over the past few years and liked it, especially when I reached Day 3 and stopped feeling hungry. My senses became heightened and I felt light and free.

Recently, I have seen information about the health benefits of water fasting from a number of people I follow on-line. Then I have thought of it spiritually and been curious if it would enhance my connection to myself and to the divine? I am always interested in becoming as clear a channel as I can be.

My friend, Alex, has been working with me recently on clearing old programs out of my DNA.

Water fasting was sounding better and better for a variety of reasons. I was ready to detox cellular debris and old beliefs from my body.

And, I still had the other half of the mushrooms left from my last mushroom journey in Costa Rica… Someone had mentioned that they did not last forever (unless they were mixed in honey where things seem to last for 100s of years). Maybe all the people who want to live forever and put chips in their brains could just walk around coated in honey? They might still be afraid of dying, and they would probably be chased by hormigas, (which is the Spanish word for ants). But it seems more healthy. To me.

Sorry.

You get a sense of how my mind works and the wandering I have to deal with every day…

Back to our topic.

Clem and I felt it was best I use two varieties of mushrooms last January, so I took half a dose of each.

The other half of those doses has been sitting in my fridge waiting since January. Sometimes the electricity goes out here. I worry about my sacred medicine and how it is doing in the varying climate in there.

Then, (and this is probably the main thing that prompted me subconsciously), I was back from visiting someone I love who had said something that distressed me deeply. Meaning, after hearing the “something” I woke up two nights in a row from my own voice yelling in my sleep.

This is rare for me.

I had been contemplating the “something” ever since. Not in a conscious way. Under-the-surface if you know what I mean.

The “something” led me to think about things like sociopathy, psychosis, and mental illness. Which led me to call a friend to discuss addictive thought patterns and brain chemistry. I had forgotten she was a psychiatric nurse. I am sure the subtle beings that support me facilitated that. I also know that my sense of subtle beings would make some people categorize me as crazy.

I was not a fan of any of that. So I was wondering about a lot of things.

Now, that was, as I said, mostly under the surface.

As I mentioned, I am not a fan of diagnosing people with mental illnesses. It seems subjective to me. I recently read a book about the manual that is used to label people with such illnesses, called the DSM. The rules for what makes someone fit the category of “depressed” and in need of medication keep tightening. What struck me most was that if you or I go to see a psychiatrist and tell them our spouse just died the day before and we feel sad, we are immediately a candidate for anti-depressants.

Feeling sad one day after such an event merits medication.

I think that is crazy. In this case, that word does feel appropriate.

One of my teachers and many of my friends would be considered psychotic because they can talk to invisible beings.

I think Jesus and Mary would be called crazy now too, according to the DSM.

So, I am just not a fan of labeling people when it comes to mental well-being.

But I had been wondering a lot, under the surface, about dark energy and the meaning of it all in relation to life here on this planet.

So, in the middle of the night at 12:12 am, my sleepy and newly water-cleansed brain started thinking of beauty.

It did make me happy to remember that moment up on Engineer mountain in the meadow during my private Sound-of-Music real-life movie moment.

Then my mind slowly relived my past psychedelic journeys and went through the lessons and gifts I had received.

Which were profound.

Psychedelics can do that for some people. Others struggle to process the “journey”. You never know what will happen. That is the part that feels like jumping off a cliff and causes me to feel squirmy.

The next morning, I felt almost ready.

But let’s go back for a moment, to the water fasting, in case you are intrigued.

After reviewing some YouTube videos and doing some on-line research, I was clear I wanted to give it a shot.

I gave myself permission to stop at any point.

That felt kind.

We grow up in a culture that is goal oriented and less about really feeling and honoring the body and what our spirit wants and needs.

I wanted to do this water fast differently. I wanted to do it for my body and even though I knew it would likely be challenging, I wanted to do it as kindly as I could.

I scrounged around for as many supplements as I could find that would support me.

I made sure I had sea salt.

I couldn’t obtain any electrolyte powder, and I managed to find some magnesium supplements in the city.

I read that potassium was a good idea to take, but I couldn’t find any. I hoped the salt would be enough. My friend, Suez, had gifted me with a natural, mineral infused supplement called Shilajit recently. She carted it all the way back from Canada in her suitcase, which meant a lot to me.

I checked and it was fine for fasting, so I added it in as well.

Apple cider vinegar seemed like a good idea too if I was detoxing, so I decided to add a tablespoon to one of the glasses of water I was drinking each day.

Suez didn’t like the idea of taking apple cider vinegar internally. She mentioned that it dissolves teeth.

I, on the other hand, had done a liver cleanse in my early thirties, and discovered that gall stones are a real thing. I figured if there were any kind of “stones” in my body, the vinegar would help dissolve them while I was fasting.

I expected to be hungry and I was. But not badly. And I just allowed myself to feel it, kindly.

Do you know what I mean?

I didn’t get angry or sad about being hungry.

It was a spiritual practice. I was doing this FOR my body and I knew it. I saw the process as a gift for my body.

So it was ok to feel hungry.

And it didn’t last. I didn’t feel hungry all the time. It would come and go, just like the tides in the sea.

Soon after beginning, I was tired.

I had written my post to you early, as I wanted to really feel free of anything that might draw me away from the experience of the week. I wanted to have time to do nothing.

But I did end up writing a bit the first day. It was fun and I didn’t want to move a lot. So I lay on my bed with the AC running and let my creativity flow.

There was no pressure in it.

My fast extended into the weekend here. All the workers left to visit their home in Guatemala and my upstairs neighbor was off on his motorcycle exploring the country.

So I went outside and leaned back in a white lounge chair and looked at the sea.

I thought of reading.

I thought of doing something.

And I decided not to.

I made those three days about pausing. Really pausing.

There were birds in the tree nearby. It was exploding with bright red flowers. Overhead, big green leaves from the almond tree, shaded me from the bright blue sky while puffy white clouds floated by.

I lay back and stared at the leaves and how they danced in the breeze.

I spent a lot of time like this, while I was fasting. Which, counter-intuitively, was surprisingly filling, but in a different way.

At some point, I think on Day 2, I unrolled my yoga mat.

I wasn’t walking far on the beach as I was worried about getting too far from home and feeling light headed.

The last thing I wanted was to faint during my water fast and end up waking up in some hospital emergency room.

That worry also encouraged me to keep things slow and gentle.

The worry had its own gift as it, and my desire to be kind to myself, kept me mostly in lounge chairs quietly staring at the sea.

My intention to be kind to myself kept me listening to my body and what it might need.

Yoga felt good.

I stood on my mat with gentle music playing and moved slowly, gently, and mindfully.

2 1/2 hours of luscious movement, soothed me deeply.

Three days of water fasting was what I hoped to accomplish. I figured if I felt really good, I might do five. Or if I didn’t, I would stop and switch to juicing.

At 7:30 pm at night, my 72 hours and three days were finished and I felt I had achieved something.

But I didn’t feel like stopping. It seemed easier to just go to bed and extend things until the next morning, when I intended to finish. So that is what I did.

The next morning I stumbled towards my refrigerator, lightheaded and weak.

If I did it again, I would stop at 72 hours and drink some juice regardless of the time of day. I think that was the point my body was finished. But it was my first time and I was learning.

Early the next morning, I took out one of the raw juices I had purchased and Angel had delivered to my door the day before. I wanted to drink it slowly.

One of the things I read, was to make sure you add in food slowly when you finish a fast and not to over eat. It is a shock to a digestive system that has just been given a break.

Another friend on the beach, who had done a water fast before, mentioned the benefit of chewing fruit as opposed to drinking smoothies. The enzymes in the mouth do a lot of work digesting things and a smoothie bypasses all that.

I remembered what he said and I swished that first mouthful of green cucumber, apple, lemon, and herbal-infused juice around in my mouth slowly.

It was delicious. It started to expand in my mouth in the most delightful way.

I drank it, swishing and savoring it.

Half way through the bottle, I stopped drinking. It was more filling than I imagined.

The next few days, I enjoyed more juice, and a light blue nut milk my friend, Elieh, makes with spirulina, mint, and stevia. I cut up a papaya and avocado and squeezed fresh, organic lime juice over them both and sprinkled them with sea salt.

My mind felt clear. My vision seemed more crisp as well. The leaves on the trees and their movements struck me strongly. Have you ever experienced needing glasses and not knowing you do? You see things the way you see them and then you try on some glasses and say, “Oh geez, I had no idea what I was missing!”

I felt like that.

I was happy. I had accomplished something.

All that was left was my mushroom journey.

Let’s go back to that now.

You might wonder why I was taking mushrooms or when I started? You might wonder if I am some younger version of a 60s hippy.

Well, the mushroom thing is very new for me.

And my experience came about in a rather round about way.

You see, I started learning about psychedelics when I began to study addiction and recovery.

The first thing I learned about is iboga or ibogaine.

This is a plant medicine that has been used to treat PTSD and heroin addiction. It is the only psychedelic I know of that is best used with medical supervision as it can affect the heart. It is also the only psychedelic I know of that people have actually passed away from after taking.

Now, this article is not medical advice, or information for you to quote as highly researched. I am just telling you my personal experience and what I read and learned along the way.

Ibogaine (or the less refined version, iboga) is a plant medicine from Africa. One of its many effects is that it can eliminate the withdrawal symptoms from opioids.

Now, you would think this would be shouted from the rooftops and that many people would know about this and want to use it to help people.

But this is not the case.

For heroin addicts, the medical treatment is to prescribe methadone or Suboxone, which are equally, if not more addictive, pharmaceutical drugs.

And if people took ibogaine there would be less need for them.

Also, one can’t use ibogaine if one is taking methadone or Suboxone. And ibogaine is considered a class A substance and just as illegal as heroin.

So, it is one of those things that remains fairly unknown to most people.

But, I started learning about it.

Again, none of the above is intended as statements of fact. Do your own research. I am simply telling my story.

Anyway, in this process of learning about how to help people with addiction, I wanted to learn more about alternative treatment modalities. Eventually, I took a course from Being True to You and became a certified integration therapist.

That means I studied psychedelics and learned how to support people in integrating spiritual and psychedelic experiences.

The only thing was, I had never used psychedelics myself. Sure, I had been in some altered states through open-eyed meditation in the Swiss Alps and in various courses I had attended.

But I had never taken psychedelics to facilitate those states.

Then I read Michael Pollan’s book:

How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence

I was intrigued by his book and by brain scans I found that showed how the neurons in the brain became more connected with psychedelic mushrooms.

He wrote about how mushrooms, turn off one part of the brain, that limits our perception so we are not overwhelmed by all the information our brain takes in. When that part “turns off” the rest of the brain lights up.

Psychedelic mushrooms help people with depression. They help people with terminal illnesses find joy and meaning.

I met people in business networking groups microdosing psilocybin and LSD to enhance their creativity.

I learned many people who made discoveries that helped humans, also took psychedelics.

When a movie came out called, Fantastic Fungi, I knew I wanted to see it. It wasn’t just a sense of wanting-to-see-a-movie. It was more like the movie was drawing me to see it.

I drove 4 hours to Santa Fe New Mexico to do so. It was playing in the local art museum.

I sat down in breathless anticipation, popcorn in hand, ready. That was when the projector broke.

They told me to come back a few hours later and they would show it in a different room with another projector.

I left and came back.

I knew I was in some kind of altered reality when the next projector, in a different room, also started, and then quit working.

A grandmother nearby told her granddaughter that they would have to come back another day. It was going to be the little girl’s first movie in a theatre. Foiled by two projectors breaking.

The people who worked in the theatre knew I had made a pilgrimage from Colorado to come see this movie and they looked at me with bemused sympathy. They told me they would give it one more try in a third movie venue in the museum. I think by then, they also offered me free popcorn.

It was late at night, after now booking a hotel, and going out to dinner, that I returned and I sat down for the third time. I was thrilled when the movie started, and continued without a glitch.

The imagery was breathtaking and inspiring. It showed mycelium threading its way through the earth and communicating with trees. It reminded me of a neural network, invisible and yet the foundation of so many things.

The image has never left me and continues to affect how I see many things. People. Financial systems. Group interactions. Ancestral energy fields. It was worth the pilgrimage.

Also, the profound personal stories of people who went on guided psilocybin journeys and found their life transformed, appealed to me, and resonated with my personal journey that has been drawn and guided towards many forms of transformational work.

Later that year, I decided to book a ticket to go to the Telluride Mushroom Festival, an annual event that culminates with many “psychonauts” dressed as various mushrooms parading down the main street.

I went just before I left the country and sold my house. It also happened to be a bumper crop year for mushroom foraging.

I took my basket into the mountains and harvested and dried edible mushrooms. Hawk Wings, Boletes… Chanterelles. At the festival, we found some that tasted like sugar and looked like tiny orange fingers barely seen, poking up from under dead trees.

One of my friends dressed up as Paul Stamets, who is a mushroom expert and was featured in the movie. Paul was supposed to be one of the speakers at the festival, but due to the Pandemic, remained in Canada.

But Louis, the producer and director of the movie, was there with his wife. Louis found his way to my friend and me. I think he found it pretty funny to see “Paul” when Paul was in Canada. Louis called Paul and chatted with my friend. So I had a photo opportunity with the man who made the movie I had gone on a pilgrimage to see.

It was at that festival, that someone who provides psilocybin capsules to therapists gifted me with a few.

So when I was ready, I could go on my own journey.

I could probably write a book about all of that. It took me awhile to get up my courage. In the end, I just downed 8 capsules (4 gm) on my own and did it.

By then, I had sold my home and given away most of my things. After those years of Covid restrictions, I planned to leave the country to look for greener pastures that might feel more easeful to me. But I still had not left my house, and had a personal space to take my journey.

With psychedelics, especially used with care and intention, there are a few things that really matter.

One is your mind set. The other is the setting and and container you have to support yourself. Often, this means personal support. That was my plan and at the last minute, the personal support wasn’t feeling quite right.

So I called a friend who had never taken mushrooms and asked her if just in case I felt I needed help, she would come over to be with me. I also called one of my teachers from my integration training and he agreed to be available as well, by phone.

From my training and the movie, I thought in terms of grams when it came to how much to take for this journey.

I have since learned this is not at all the way to work with psychedelic mushrooms.

There are different varieties with different personalities and potencies.

But, in the movie and book, I had heard that six grams of psychedelic mushrooms is considered a “heroic dose.” Most people take three. Three is supposedly powerful and transformational.

My capsules were 1/2 gram each. I had taken two a few days before as a test and felt almost nothing. I figured I would probably never do this again, so I decided to take 4 grams or eight capsules.

I downed them with some lemon juice, which helps the liver process the psilocybin. Then I waited.

Pretty soon, I started to feel like I was on a boat.

Now this is a sensation I really don’t like at all.

I have a tendency, a strong tendency, to become sea sick.

I had no idea how long the more and more challenging sensations would last.

They were getting stronger and soon, the floor felt like it was rocking under me.

I had written an intention in my journal for this journey and had lovely music and candles lit. I had tried to prepare adequately.

But as I sat on the hardwood, polished floor of my bedroom, I realized I was starting to feel lost at sea. I started to feel reminded of the most difficult moments of giving birth to my sons. That was when I knew I was in over my head and called my virgin-mushroom friend for help.

She drove over and by the time she arrived, my physical state had eased but now the emotions were bubbling up. I had moved to lying on my bed, and my friend lay next to me and listened to my tearful life regrets and worries. She told me she had been wondering about and working on some similar things and that she felt gifted to be with what felt like the mess-that-was-me.

When my emotional storm eased, she excused herself and I was left awake, in a heightened state of awareness, watching snowflakes drift down softly through the beam from a streetlight outside which pierced the cold darkness. I felt a bit like I had missed something.

Since then, things have been different.

Here are some things I have learned.

I take mushrooms to talk to God, connect with my soul, and gain understanding of things that can help me live my life more lovingly and fully. I take mushrooms because I think they help the container my soul lives in here. I take them because I feel like they help my brain to receive better, like a radio that is tuned well.

Clem, my friend in Costa Rica, taught me to take half of what I plan to imbibe and then wait half an hour. Then take the rest.

This seems to smooth out the sea sick feeling and it never happened in the same way again.

I also learned that grams matter less than the strain of mushroom. They have different potencies and energies. Just like a carrot and a peach are a lot different. It is good to to talk to people who are familiar with the various strains and see what they recommend.

My last three times I have taken 2.5 grams. That has not affected the intensity of my experience. In fact, I feel I have become more comfortable with the process and I really pay attention, ask questions, explore, and do my best to take in whatever they have to show and teach me.

I agree with the people I saw in the movie. Some of those journeys have been the most powerful and beautiful moments of my life.

They have provided me with insight and helped me tremendously.

And I imagine, they have fostered my creativity.

After this week of fasting and my recent experience, I feel slower in a good way. Whatever part of me felt I needed a list of daily activities to keep me organized and steady has let that go. I feel a sense of ease.

I think my daily list was my way of trying to make sure I was “doing” something and making “progress” here on the planet, whatever that means.

Now I see, and more importantly, I feel, “progress” differently.

The issue I was concerned about that woke me up a few times feels very different to me. I see it from a vastly shifted perspective and feel a lot more empathy and understanding.

I don’t know if this sense of slowness will last.

It might be what is called “the glow” people experience for a time after using psychedelics.

But I don’t think so.

I think this new slowness suits me.

There is trust in it and a willingness to keep moving forward, in whatever way I feel drawn and to know that it is enough. I am enough.

And things and situations that may seem small, often have more meaning than I see.

Little things matter.

Life is not about having a big following.

It is about what I am doing right now. Writing to you because you matter to me and because it feels artistic and loving to me.

Writing because there is something that pours through the keys beyond the words.

And this time as I write, there is a lot of pausing.

I started at Puro Surf after my first meal after all this. An omelette with tiny, golden baby potatoes. The skin popped when I bit into them. I salted them, lightly.

Then some music started playing and it didn’t feel quite right, so I moved back to my living room.

I paused again when my neighbor waved through my window and wanted to chat for a moment. Then he wanted to share a guava with me.

So I cut it up for him and sat outside and listened to him and the sea.

Then I wrote a little more.

Then my son called.

I relaxed on my outdoor couch and told him how much I would love to see him as the ten foot waves crashed on the beach.

Then I came back in for fresh juice and some more writing.

I don’t need a window of time to write or a routine.

I love to write to you.

And right now, I love to be slow with everything.

And that’s ok.