Free Yourself

When you don't know how to "Just Stop It!" and you want to be free none-the-less

self-portrait…one thing I wish to do is to embrace and love my body and the process of aging, to free myself from self-judgement…my mother and grandmother would object to having a photo taken due to the flaws they saw in themselves…when I saw my hair sparkling in the early morning light, I decided to take a photo…wrinkles and all

I sat across from the man in the cafe. And I wondered to myself, “Terra, is there anything you can do or say right now that is actually going to help him?”

He was someone I met briefly at a workshop a few days before who suggested we meet for a walk. But by the time he arrived in Glastonbury, I needed to eat and so did he. So instead of heading out for the rolling hills, we strolled into town to find a place for lunch…lunch at 2pm.

We hadn’t gotten far before I realized I was with someone looking for help. Someone wondering about life, but not really wondering as much as I thought he could, as he was busy telling me how things actually are, and why, from his viewpoint which he saw as reality, life was so miserable for him. “It’s what I did in a past life that changed the course of the world. And it’s all Spherical…” he said.

I tried a few things.

Things like this:

“Well, I think we all see things from our own viewpoint, through our own lenses, and it is good to realize that there is always more. I know whatever I see, is only what I can, from where I stand in God’s creation in this moment.” (Except I left out the part about God and creation).

It wasn’t going to be enough. I could already see that.

So I tried something else.

I mentioned, “You know, it seems to me that your thoughts are causing you to vibrate in a certain frequency state. I feel like we are all like musical notes and energy has different tones. It can feel and sound different…and it seems to me that what you are resonating with isn’t working well for you.”

“Yes,” he said.

“Well,” I continued, as we reached the cafe and I sat down across from him, “awareness is key. If you can see what you are doing that isn’t working for you and be aware of it, you can change it. Sometimes, just recognizing these patterns is enough.”

I noticed I was keeping an energetic distance from everything he was saying…and doing my best to stay in my own energy field and not entangle myself in his. I could see he wanted help and I felt for him. But I also knew I wasn’t going to be able to save him from himself.

I asked myself questions silently as he spoke. Was I too detached? He had thrown a number of highly traumatic events and stories my way and I hadn’t batted an eye. I hadn’t leaned in as the codependent fix-it woman I used to be would have.

Instead I felt more like Beverly, my chi gong teacher, as I realized and reminded myself that all of it was “not my stuff” and told myself I thought I was doing ok…it seemed good to keep my distance from the energy of all of it.

I also reminded myself this is why I write and haven’t tried to be famous or sit in any so called seat-of-the-teacher. I didn’t want people to look towards me to save them.

I couldn’t do it, and I wasn’t meant to.

All I had to offer was where I had been and how I got through it.

But I could tell stories like that were not going to be enough.

Every other sentence he spoke was an opportunity for his mind to lead him to the next which was full of self-deprecation and self-judgement.

I tried naming it because as my other teacher, John Barnes had taught me: “Without awareness there is no choice.”

So, I named the self-deprecation. But it was a bit like looking at someone putting a needle in their arm and mentioning, “Have you noticed you are addicted to heroin?” (In this case, the heroin to me felt like his addictive way of thinking that was leading him into dopamine hits from playing the victim).

“What’s self-deprecation mean?” he said.

That’s when I knew that when lunch ended, I was going to head out on my own.

Meanwhile, A YouTube video someone sent to me when I was recovering from my own issues started playing in the background of my mind as he spoke. (If the link I have included to it doesn’t work, just look up Bob Newhart-STOP IT! and you can find it…).

The comedy clip focuses on two words and a therapist who says them.

“Stop It!”

I wanted badly to say those two words to him and I did try them out in my own round about way.

“I think you are simply caught in thoughts that are making you miserable,” I said.

He made another comment and then added “I need to stop thinking that.”

And there was the self-deprecation again.

This wasn’t going to work and I told myself I had never embraced working with people like Bev and John had for exactly this reason.

Nothing I could say in that moment was going to help him and the day was passing.

I wanted to enjoy it.

I excused myself after lunch and told him the truth, “I am leaving soon and need to do some shopping. So I’ll leave you on your own to go hiking.”

Then I gave him the directions he asked for regarding how to find his way back to the Tor near where he had parked his car and set out to shop a bit.

Meanwhile, the memory of that video played in my mind. “Stop It!” I thought to myself. I thought about those words and how they were not enough. They had never been enough for me or anyone I had attempted to help.

“So, what has gotten me to where I am at?” I asked myself.

And where I am is currently a pretty good place in my life experience. I certainly feel more sovereign and happy than I used to. I question myself less and love myself more.

And of course, I have done thousands and thousands of hours of workshops, sessions, and classes. I have resonated on line with people for twenty hours a week at times. Sometimes more and sometimes less. I have constellated family energies. Learned communication practices.

And all I had to offer the man who drove an hour to spend some time with me was: “Just Stop It!”

Hmmmm….

And that is when it came to me. In order to stop something, you have to do something else.

Which is actually much easier than it sounds and in fact, quite fun. Delightful even.

I have sentences written in two books now that I sit with and feel in my body.

I have written about this practice. I don’t berate myself if I don’t do it every day. It isn’t that kind of practice and that would be counter-productive. I do it when I wish…which is pretty often as it is fun and feels good to feel how I want to feel, and resonate with thoughts that are kind and compassionate. Without much effort, it has even become a habit to spend time like this.

In my book are little phrases like:

I enjoy life.

I am worthy of care.

I take my time.

My next steps appear before me with ease.

As I read them, I feel the energetic state of the words. I live that reality for a few moments. I teach my cells how to exist in a different state, so they don’t need an emotional hit from an old habit that doesn’t serve me well.

I do something similar as I sit quietly in the garden. Messages come to me and I note them down.

Later, as I read the words I have carefully written, I also often take time to illustrate them. It is fun and I imagine it helps me take the words in more deeply.

This book has become a treasure for me. I often review it. I savor the texture of the hand made paper as I slowly turn the pages. I stop to actually run my fingers across its soft fibers and over the drawings and phrases. While I do that, I feel the vibration of the messages in my body. Those pages, I know, are both supporting me in my life, and reprograming my belief system.

That is the answer, in my experience so far, to what is needed to actually change after one decides it is time to “Just Stop It!”

If you want to stop something, you have to teach your body and brain to feel something else. You get to choose what it is. You can pick a “something else” that brings a different form of misery. Or you can choose something that brings optimism.

I think one key question to ask oneself is “Am I enjoying this?” “Is what I am doing right now bringing me joy?”

For me in this moment, my brain is a little sludgy as I have yet to make my way outside; I need a walk and I plan to head back to the garden. It’s my last day here before I leave.

But I made a choice to sit at my computer despite those feelings. As I was standing in my room this post was forming itself in my mind. So I paused next to my bed and asked myself a question. That in itself is a disruptive act. I didn’t move forward on auto-pilot. I took time to ask, “What do you want to do Terra? Do you want to go straight to the garden or write some of this down?”

I used my hands as a compass and held them in front of my body. One hand held the energy of “go to the garden” and the other held the choice to “stay and write.”

You can see what I felt pulled towards, despite my desire to head outside.

Writing at this moment is fun and it feels good to offer as my contribution to the field of love today. Not because I feel I have to. Not because I tell myself if I don’t my life is meaningless. Not because I am doing it for money and am getting not enough or too much of it.

No, simply because I want to document it. I want to remember it.

I want to offer it.

I learned after sitting with this statue for some time and taking this photo, that the previous gardener carved it. It’s predecessor sat in the garden and disappeared. He, having never sculpted something before, got a piece of stone and sculpted this, a copy of the one that was lost. No wonder I felt so much love in it.

And I hope that next time someone is suffering in front of me, I will remember to mention to them that this, this is what I did. It worked for me and it still is.

And of course, they can take it or leave it.

That is key.

Who am I to know what they are here to experience or for how long?

Sometimes we suffer as long as we must to obtain what I consider now a certain amount of grit and independence. Compassion allows the process of that and honors a divine plan that sees always more than I can.

I have watched “Stop It!” three times now.

Twice last night.

I texted it to my lunch time friend along with a sentence about how I actually realized I had to practice feeling differently and how that had helped me.

He hasn’t yet responded as I write this and I don’t expect him too.

He may have found it offensive, or not.

But I am not in control of any of that or of anyone else’s feelings or perspective and bless his heart. That hour and a half lunch with him was another learning opportunity and a gift for me from this lucid dream I call The Matrix.

The video, “Stop it!” is six minutes long and thus, I have been gifted eighteen minutes of unexpected belly laughs. Plus, I know what I want to say next time someone asks for help and seems stuck in some kind of pattern.

“How do you want to feel? Practice that. What is fun for you? Can you do more of it? You are fragile. We all are. It doesn’t matter what you eat or how much of it…this is all going to end. So what do you want to do with your time here? It’s limited and that’s not a bad thing. It’s a beautiful thing…to savor it.”

That’s what I am going to do, go savor the garden…in a minute.

This morning I remembered a man who thought EMFs killed his mother. He was adamant about eating oysters. Lots and lots of them. Raw. He walked barefoot on the beach and was creating a company to import blue light blocking glasses into the US.

At the time, I was in the midst of a lot of learning opportunities. My energy was shaky at best. He decided I had “issues”. I know that as I overheard him saying it to someone.

Then I read he passed away a few years later.

The oysters and his judgement didn’t save him.

They won’t save me either.

“Are you a Bitcoiner?” some people have asked me.

And I wonder about that.

People who call themselves “Bitcoiners” seem to eat a lot of steak and drink in excess.

So, am I?

I think the technology of Bitcoin can change the world for the better.

It gives me hope.

But am I a “Bitcoiner?”

I still don’t know how to answer that.

Except that despite my vegetarian diet that lately has included black currants and raw cheddar cheese from grass fed cows and fermented bread from Baker in a Beanie, and not eating oysters or steak or raw meat, I am happy with my diet. I am happy with my life.

A friend texted me this morning.

“Bitcoin feels like a cult sometimes Terra. The conferences are like an echo chamber for people with the same opinions.”

She, a vegan, loves the technology of Bitcoin.

And she doesn’t fit in.

“That’s great.” I told her. “We need more voices like yours.”

I too have suffered from cognitive dissonance when a fundraiser dinner had one option on the menu: Tomahawk Steak.

Of course, I skipped it.

Bitcoiners say they believe in sovereignty.

They are pro-freedom.

And we, you and I, get to choose in so many ways, and to learn from our choices and experiences.

It isn’t about always being “happy” it is about living fully with the time we have.

I showed the video for the third time this morning to Fiona, who cleans rooms here part time. She wasn’t sure she wanted to watch.

Fiona, like so many people I have met here, never got into using cell phones or computers.

“If I’m busy, I let it ring,” she said (regarding her cell phone). “I get back to people when I’m ready.”

Fiona just spent a few days camping in a farmer’s field which she told me she has visited for thirty years. She swims in the crystal clear spring water in the nearby stream and basks in the peace and aloneness.

She told me the farmer is in his 80’s now and hobbled out to say hello. He leaned over the gate and talked to her. “He was there for an hour,” she said.

“Oh,” I said, with some empathy. “That sounds like a lot.”

“Oh no,” she replied. “Its nice. The farmers out there, they take their time. Life happens at a different pace. Leaning on a gate and talking is part of life for them.”

Then she told me she spent the first day just sitting in the field “doing nothing.”

“I could have hiked, you know…but I didn’t. There is nothing like spending a day just sitting in a field like that.”

I hit play on the video and told her not to feel obligated to watch the six minutes, which she mentioned felt like too long to look at a cell phone and despite that, she stood with me for the whole thing and we laughed and laughed together.

“My mom had a Rolex watch,” she said, as she prepared to leave. “It would never keep time when she wore it. My mom was like that. Nothing worked on her. I think technology is like that for me. It doesn’t work that well when I try to use it. She took the watch to the Rolex dealers so they could fix it but they couldn’t.”

“Oh,” I said. “Did they let her return it then?”

“Oh no,” said Fiona. “Because there was nothing wrong with the watch. It was my mom. It only happened when she wore it.”

And off she went.

And here I am. Ready to head to the garden and let time be slow again for a bit.

“Stop It!”

Ok.

I will stop worrying and practice Be-ing. For it is a practice, isn’t it?

More and more, I feel the plants and their very aware presence. I love how this artichoke called to me, arms extended, with so much vibrance.

chamomile flowers in the garden

me, with Sweet Cicely

Blessings on your journey…

Disclaimer:

The opinions and information presented on this blog are solely the author’s and do not constitute professional advice in any field, including psychology, metaphysics, finance, or psychedelics. The author is not a licensed therapist, counselor, financial advisor, or medical professional, and any advice or guidance provided is based on personal research and experience. Readers should consult qualified professionals in each respective field for personalized guidance.

By reading and using information on this blog, you acknowledge that you understand and accept these limitations, and agree to hold the author harmless for any consequences arising from your actions or decisions based on the blog’s content.

Specifically

• Any discussions of psychological or metaphysical topics are based on the author’s personal exploration and understanding, and should not be taken as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling.

• Nothing spoken of is intended as financial advice and recommendations are not provided. Readers should consult qualified financial advisors before making investment or financial decisions.

• Discussions of psychedelics and their potential uses are based on the author’s research and personal experience, and should not be taken as medical advice or a substitute for professional medical treatment.

By continuing to read and use this blog, you acknowledge that you understand and agree to these terms.