Get your needs met; reset your day

Worthiness, open energy channels, and God's sense of humor

El Zonte Beach, me with my morning Cacao, photo by Castor

Something was off again.

My ship needed a course correction.

For sure, I figured it was time to go meditate.

But first, I figured I clearly needed to study whatever I had been doing that was working and had stopped.

What had changed?

Oh yeah, I had forgotten to sit and feel the energy I wanted to embody. The surrounding care. Abundance. Ease. Fun. Joy.

I had enjoyed the surrounding beauty.

Mostly.

Life had been flowing pretty well when I felt those energies intentionally as part of my cacao-on-the-beach routine.

Last time I sat to enjoy the beauty, I chose my new, favorite spot near my casita, on a bench close to the waterfall. Winter storms had brought a lot of debris and made it hard to access the beach through the gate below me. So, I had moved to this pretty little bench below the pool. This morning, Raul was sweeping around the pool above me and bits of debris were raining on my head.

I told myself to just include the experience. That is what I thought the Buddha would do under the Bodhi Tree.

And the debris kept raining and raining. Buddhism wasn’t working for me.

I got up and moved down to sit on the steps near the gate. I assured myself Raul had already cleaned them. I positioned myself away from the concrete wall he had pointed out was crumbling dangerously.

I tried to get comfortable again.

I never achieved the exquisite state of delight and peace I expected.

It was one of those days. The not-quite-right, squirmy kind.

So, this morning was reset time.

I pulled out my notes from my sessions with Alex and ran through all the morning practices I had forgotten to do. The ones I just told you about above.

“Terra, feel the energy you want to embody and let it flow through your channels.”

I took a moment to close my eyes and felt myself receiving care. I remembered and felt the sensation of fun in my body—but not for long.

Selvin, the smiling Guatemalan overseeing the construction here chose that moment to stop by after I’d returned from meditating.

As can sometimes happen, my personal work and effort to be a spiritually lovely and conscious Wonder Woman went out the window. I had only spent a few minutes re-embracing my practice.

When I saw him, everything that was bothering me lately rose to the surface in one fiery complaint. I looked at him and tried to describe all the things that no longer felt right about living here and they didn’t even have to do with me. I told Selvin my upstairs roommate was moving because he was tired of mopping up the leaks at night, day after day, and how there was a sewage smell that would rise from his sink. My friend’s motorcycles were rusting because he had no enclosed area to keep them, and I told Selvin that too. The outdoor kitchen was never finished, as I also mentioned, and my friend’s sheets hadn’t been washed by Cruz in a month.

Those were all the things my roommate told me over the last few weeks. I had responded by asking if he had said anything to Selvin or the owner?

He admitted he had not.

It's hard to ask for what we want and then know we are worthy of receiving it.

Sometimes, I know I or other people I observe resort to what may seem safer: the passive aggressive move of hinting about our desires without clearly stating them.

The next step is to be angry and resentful when we don’t get what we want, but were too afraid to request.

There are good reasons for the strategy.

I imagine it is likely my roommate tried in his past to ask for what he wanted, and things didn’t go well.

I am just making a hypothesis. But we all get these strategies from somewhere. They are simply coping mechanisms.

The passive aggressive strategy seems to be a good one for spreading one’s frustration to those around us.

Another strategy when one gets off track is to stuff your feelings, then make them about something that you think is solvable, and drive hard to get the thing solved.

Of course, that is never the issue, but it provides a sense of control when you feel powerless.

Now, I was just in the middle of a conscious effort to reset my state when Selvin interrupted me.

I resorted to strategy #2 without thinking.

The words just came out of me.

Now, the truth is: I don’t want my roommate to move.

He has entertained me and it has been fun to see his friendly face walk by as he waves through the window, conscious of not interrupting my flow. Like many people here, my roommate is big on respecting personal space and sovereignty.

So, I felt disappointed because he was leaving for the reasons I listed above.

If Selvin had just taken care of all those things, my roommate could have been happy here. The problem was, my roommate tried strategy #1 and Selvin didn’t know those things were problems.

Besides my disappointment that my roommate was leaving, my newly installed electric shower head Selvin put in has been shocking me when I turn the water off.

My solution, based on my roommate’s suggestion, was to place a plastic bag over the handle so I don’t touch the metal.

This frustrated me.

Then there was the sofa.

Honestly, the sofa truly pushed me over the edge.

I finally obtained an exquisite, comfortable, on-sale Walmart sofa that makes into a bed. It is heavenly.

But finding it and getting it set up was not easy.

On my last trip to the city, I went to see Dr. Luis, who injected my acupuncture points again with something that felt like venom. Then he gave me my first personal weight training session. He showed me how to dead lift, which he assured me is good for longevity and bone health.

I have never had an MD who knows acupuncture and does personal training. But, it makes sense. He is a true, full-spectrum healer, which means he focuses on keeping me healthy. My back had been hurting, and I blamed this on my struggle with my uncomfortable furniture, along with a potentially aggressive yoga practice. But by now, I was closer to flat out blaming it all on the furniture. I still think that may be the cause.

However, the day after visiting Dr. Luis, it surprised me when I noticed that dead lifting and possibly the injections helped ease my lower back pain.

Yeah! That was good.

Then, Dr. Luis texted to see how my armpit rash was doing.

Again, what doctor does all these things?

My previous practice of feeling myself surrounded by caring energy really had paid me back in spades.

Unlike my new doctor, I had forgotten about my rash. I was busy focusing on other things to be upset about.

So, I went in the bathroom to check my underarms and saw it was still there.

Dr. Luis responded by suggesting I use fresh Aloe Vera gel. He then told me how in more detail than any herbal class had ever given me. I learned you don’t put Aloe Vera juice straight on your skin without following a protocol of cutting the fresh leaf, letting it drip into a cup, cutting it again, letting it drip more…and then finally, applying it to the skin. The plant also needs to be two years old.

All of that felt like:

Care. True care. I want to note that here for both of us, as a good part of today’s post has to do with giving and receiving care in all its various forms.

When you receive care, your energy channels have to open. And to receive care, you must allow yourself to feel worthy.

So, please keep this in mind with these random-sounding stories. A lot of this has to do with my energetic state (which was off from various circumstances coupled with forgetting to do things that felt good to me).

I am sure you know the situation. Life serves you a plate of unexpected challenges. You combine those challenges with old habits you are still letting go of, tiredness, and fear of change. This lovely combination provides you with a God-given recipe for an opportunity for growth.

And honestly, it is an opportunity. In the middle of it all, it might not seem funny to you. But sometimes when you look back, if you are lucky, you see that well, yes, God has a sense of humor.

Ok. Back to where we were…

On the same day I went to visit Dr. Luis, I also intended to get a sofa which I figured would help heal my back. I found the one at Walmart that said it was only available to purchase on-line, but my taxi driver assured me it was best to go to Walmart and check in person. The Walmart stop didn’t affect my all-inclusive taxi fare, so I figured, “why not?” I was getting desperate.

Thus, after dead lifting until my muscles felt like they were gasping their last gasp, and I came close to passing out under a fluorescent light (which Dr. Luis turned off at my request), I headed to Walmart with Francisco, my taxi driver.

We arrived at the largest Walmart store on the planet and there it was! My future sofa that was only available on-line! I bounced over and sat on it. It was surprisingly comfy. I tried every other sofa they had and for sure, this one was the best. It even made into a bed. I asked Francisco to try it out. He sat down and looked over his shoulder at me as he nodded his head in agreement. For sure, this was a great sofa. For less than $300, it could be mine.

There was an adjustable, counter height chair I spied as well, and I threw the box containing it onto the cart. All it needed was assembly.

I wondered about this for a moment and asked Francisco if he thought it would be hard to put the two things together.

“No, very easy,” he assured me. I think that was about the extent of his English and it was enough for me.

Francisco guided me through the process of paying, and then delivering the receipt back to the furniture department, where I assumed they would find another box containing my future sofa. Then he drove me and his car to the pickup area, where I figured we would retrieve it all.

Only half of the back seat of the Honda CRV would fold down. He and I fought with the other half seat, to no avail. But undaunted, Francisco shoved both boxes all in the back. It was a tight fit.

Since I had been waiting months to improve my seating situation, I was eager to get everything unpacked, assembled, and snuggled into my new home as quickly as possible. Another storm was coming, and I wanted to be lying on my new cheap-but-comfy sofa with a book, while I listened to the rain.

But I wasn’t sure how I would do with the assembly instructions in Spanish.

So, I looked at Francisco next to me, driving rapidly. He seemed eager to get home… Nevertheless; I offered him $20 to assemble it all when we got back.

Since Raul, the gardener here, gets paid $15 a day, I figured this was enough to make Francisco happy.

I saw him pause for a split second before he quickly agreed.

Since he had told me it would be easy, I figured he was pleased.

We hauled the sofa box onto my porch and Francisco began. He seemed a little reticent to remove his muddy shoes when he came into my newly cleaned casita, but he complied after he saw I had a firm boundary regarding muddy shoes on my clean floor.

Moments later, he pointed at the sofa. It sat directly on the floor, with no legs underneath.

“Finished,” he told me.

This was another word in English I did not know he had learned.

I looked at him quizzically. Surely he could not be serious?

But he was.

“Finito,” he repeated, like I was lacking in brain cells to comprehend that yes, the sofa was now ready for sitting.

I grabbed Google Translate and started typing fast.

We SAT on it in the store and it had LEGS, I tried to tell him, frantically.

“Where are the LEGS?” I wanted to scream.

I tilted the bottom up off the floor and discovered a small zippered compartment. I unzipped it and extracted the metal sofa legs with the joy of someone delivering a new baby.

He looked at me with a sigh and got back to work.

I told him I desired he read the directions. I knew he could read, as he had done it, when we were in the car using Google Translate. If he could read while driving, he could certainly read some directions. I knew the Spanish word for “read” and was clearly pointing at the white piece of paper that I was sure explained where to find the legs. I was now expressing yet another firm boundary line. I required written directions to be followed when assembling my furniture.

It was at that moment that I realized I was facing one of those highly annoying MAN-issues I had encountered before:

THE REFUSAL TO ASK FOR HELP OR READ DIRECTIONS

Our former happy relationship was quickly crumbling.

Since I could now see that Francisco was highly unreliable regarding furniture assembly, I attacked the box containing my new chair on my own. I figured I would do the best I could with the pictures on the directions I retrieved for it while Francisco worked on those legs.

Soon, Francisco pointed at the sofa again. It now looked lovely, legged and everything.

The chair, however, was challenging me. Somehow, I had put it together and the height wouldn’t adjust.

Francisco did something, and the chair popped up to its full, towering capacity. But it was no longer capable of tucking itself under my counter. I didn’t know this was an issue until I realized it was stuck up there, just as it had been stuck in the lower, but still usable position minutes before.

Francisco and I tried to fix it.

He put his 200 pound, sweaty frame on it and bounced up and down.

The stool was having none of it. It remained obstinately unmoving.

I looked at it sadly.

He told me he would call the store in the morning and see if they could explain things. I figured I would have to return it.

Then he left. Probably about 20 minutes after arriving.

With a sigh, I arranged my living area to accommodate the new sofa. It was nice with those legs. There was room to store things underneath.

I leaned down and glanced under it, as I looked for a good place to put my yoga mat.

The feeling I had at that moment is hard to describe. Disappointment, frustration, apathy, anger, and humor (I am sure God was laughing hard by now).

I think there was also some despondency. I was getting tired and frustrated with grappling with this country and my furniture issue.

(Right now, Selvin is next to me pushing my refrigerator back into place…he is trying to fix the wiring for the shower head that has been shocking me… Bless his heart and I imagine you see what I mean?)

What I saw when I looked under that sofa were six legs clearly screwed in the wrong places. They stuck out at odd angles like someone had killed it unexpectedly and rigor mortis had set in.

I embraced my fate, flipped the sofa onto its back and unscrewed and started to re-assemble the legs. The backrest made a loud sound and shifted itself in relation to the seat. I hoped it had not broken like I imagined the chair had. But there was nothing for it. I told myself that the directions probably explained how to screw on the legs first, with the bottom cushion flat on the floor. But it was too late now. I would not figure out how to take the back cushion off and it had already growled at me. I prayed my new purchase would work when I finished giving it sofa CPR.

I had almost completed my task, but the last vertical leg meant to go in the center would not screw on. The holes seemed to lack metal inserts for the screws to nestle into. There were only two loose holes in the particleboard.

That’s when I called my friend Seb.

(Yes, I asked for help. Remember those two coping strategies I mentioned above and my roommate, who didn’t ask for what he needed? God was teaching me using a sofa. And I guess God was up for a bit of fun.)

I had already sent Seb a photo of the sofa after Francisco left, as I thought he would find it funny. And I told him about the chair. He had offered to stop by the next day. I hadn’t gotten to that last leg yet.

Now I was about to lose my sanity. I had been waiting for two months to get this thing, and two screws and what appeared to be faulty manufacturing, thwarted me . I thought I would have to haul the whole thing back to Walmart along with the chair. Another win for El Salvador in deterring my quest for comfort.

Desperate, I sent Seb a photo of the holes to see what he might think?

Now, here is a little background on Seb:

He is building a beautiful mansion here for someone in this community. He oversees multiple crews of workers and problem-solves things daily and relentlessly. His retirement dream is to have a nice passive income stream from a few rental units and to spend time in his workshop. Seb thinks building things is fun.

He saw my photo and must have felt my desperation. Ignoring his wonderful respite from demanding people on his day off, he skipped any further explanation regarding the holes and texted: “I’ll be right over.”

In less than three minutes, he was here. Ten minutes later, he had everything, including the chair, working beautifully.

After both I and 200 lb. Francisco bounced on it and tried to force things, the chair became badly jammed because of a small plastic cap I had neglected to remove. Seb wedged it out with a kitchen tool.

Seb, one of those KINGLY men, felt my distress and came over on his day off to help me. He was here so fast; it felt like he must have wings. And I am sure in some realm, he probably does.

The main point in all of this is that I had to stand up for what I wanted and allow myself to receive.

Open your energy channels to receive care

Let’s move onto another story the next day, about giving. My energy channels are opening, with intentional practice from me, to receive from others. But there is another movement for life to truly feel in flow and free.

You can think of your energy channels like blood vessels. They need flow. Imagine how your heart pumps your blood. It flows in and out and circulates through your body. You need to allow energy to flow as well. This keeps things balanced.

The sea offers a similar metaphor.

Waves roll in and then out as they caress the sand, naturally and rhythmically. Neither movement is better or worse, and both are necessary.

I continue to work on learning to give and receive. I see this as a similar flow of energy and necessary for true ease.

How can I feel loved if I don’t allow myself to receive? How can I experience life and its gifts if I don’t take part in all facets of the journey?

This morning, I read a post from another writer here that I enjoy. I could feel that she had a lot on her plate. And there was the option at the end to buy her a coffee. I loved that option. It felt easy.

A coffee is no long-term obligation. I am not in danger of unconsciously overextending myself with subscriptions, which a part of me wants badly to do.

I found her article continued to prod me.

“Buy her a coffee. Just buy her a coffee,” were the words I kept hearing.

Unsure of their source, I couldn’t determine if the impulse came from my mind or my soul. I wanted the latter. I am highly aware of the energy with which I approach tasks. It matters more than the task itself.

As I mentioned at the beginning, I was feeling a bit off and was trying to fix my ship and rudder that were bobbing uncomfortably on the sea of my life.

I still hadn’t gotten to “meditate,” which was on my list for the day. I planned to go back to practicing feeling the energy of fun and receiving care again. Both my notes from calls with my friend, Alex Buta, and another post here by Kevin Kaiser had reminded me of that.

But first, instead of heading to meditate, I sat down with my notebook to do some guided writing. I know I have a crew of people ready and willing to chip in and help me out.

Today, they spent a lot of time laughing in the peanut gallery.

I know one of them was trying to keep a straight face as we talked. I was writing what I “heard” or “got” from them and I couldn’t help but notice how humorous they were finding my situation of trying to get my ship back into my comfort zone.

I was writing to them about feeling off-track. It took a while to get beyond their enjoyment of my situation. I think they were feeling the recent sofa story.

There is also another recent event that involved my upstairs roommate in his full motorcycle protective gear, including gloves, helmet, motorcycle lube, a curtain, and a terrifying scorpion…I know they were thinking of that too.

One bit of their words of wisdom for me, for feeling off track, is this:

Yes, Dearest, even angels get frazzled sometimes (more laughter). My Dear, you are here to embody love and joy. It is as simple as that. When you are not, you feel it and you learn. So you are so-called: “on track.” When you are resonating in higher frequencies, you embody what you came here to do. Also “on-track.” There are no mistakes, my darling. Only opportunities for growth.

So, let’s get back more directly to the theme here, which is embracing and really feeling your worthiness, getting your needs met, and resetting your day.

It is important to allow people with no strings attached to help you and care for you.

Yesterday, I was returning to my casita from the farmer’s market. There are always interesting people and friends to see there. When I felt a little lightheaded and hungry, I knew it was time to leave.

I attempted to walk back along the beach. The only challenge was that I would have to ford the river. It is the rainy season now, and I wasn’t sure what to expect.

When I reached the river, I saw my friend, Holly, doing what people do so well here. She was sitting peacefully in the water, enjoying the cool flow of it on her bikini-clad body whilst her dog frolicked in the sand.

We chatted for a moment, and I asked her if she had seen anyone crossing.

She hadn’t.

I looked at the strong current and muddy water with uncertainty.

Holly thought I should try to cross closer to the ocean, where it looked a little less daunting.

So, I walked ten yards towards the sea and felt my way across the stream, one careful, invisible step at a time. Hidden in the rapidly flowing water are various sized rocks and holes. Once in a while, there was a nice smooth patch of sand I could feel with my feet. The only way to cross such a river is through feeling.

A few more tentative steps and I decided I just didn’t have it in me.

I was hungry and dehydrated. I didn’t want to fall down whilst carrying my phone, fanny pack, and newly purchased cookies.

I went back to Holly, still relaxing in the cool water at the edge of the stream, and told her I was going to take the street home.

She said a few more encouraging words to me and could see that words would not be enough. So she offered to cross with me.

Her dog must have psychically heard her as the little grey, stocky machine plunged right in. The current took the silver tank quickly towards the sea. Unfazed, Holly’s companion didn’t give up and kept swimming doggedly towards her goal. She emerged soon after, on the other shore, quite happy.

She wagged her tail and did a quick shake. Water droplets sprayed through the air as Holly laughed.

Then Holly told me to follow her. So I did.

“It’s sandy here Terra. Nice and easy.”

“Oh, there’s a rock here on the left and it gets deep; nothing to worry about!” I was right behind her back.

Suddenly I found myself flow back in time to a distinct moment in my life. The time when I was dating someone who was blind. He was a very capable man who could do almost anything. But when we went hiking, I spoke to him just as Holly was speaking to me.

I could feel the care in her words. So much care that I could have been blind, and I would have made it across that river just fine.

Her care touched me. I felt it on so many levels.

I received it.

Remember, our energy channels have to be open to receive. So Holly was gifting me with the opportunity to allow care to flow through them and into my soul.

Later, I was busy texting with my friend Castor.

I am trying to organize a hike to the Santa Ana volcano and he will be my new tour guide. He has agreed to show me and whoever I round up to tag along, his beautiful country.

We had a day scheduled for the six or seven mile hike, and I heard a hurricane was coming. So we had to reschedule and are going tomorrow.

One friend wants to be back at a certain time for a dinner meeting.

That felt like it could impede the free flow of our adventure.

There were a few texts with various people as I figured things out.

But what happened in the end is that Castor sent a lot of support and care to me in his various messages:

Yeh, just let me know so i can have an idea about the time. I just want you to enjoy and feel comfortable

I have been there 1,567 times the places are the same what make them different are the people

Whatever floats your boat 😉

You just let me know and I can take you to the moon and back if needed

Now, I don’t plan to go to the moon tomorrow. But it is good to know that there is a nice young man who would do whatever is needed to take me there. Tomorrow we will climb a mountain.

I almost cried when I read those last words because they ooze support. And if I really take it in, I have to allow myself to own my worthiness.

Can you feel you are worthy of care and allow yourself to receive?

For me, it has been and still is a practice to do so. If it is sometimes hard for you to receive care, remember, it is a process and you are on track. Awareness is the first step.

When I sent my friend the donation the cups of coffee here on Substack, I did it with intention. I entered my credit card information. I wrote her a note. Then I hit send and closed my eyes.

I wanted to know how the energy of giving in this way would feel.

And you know what?

It was amazing. I felt the most gorgeous, sensuous energy flowing out of my body.

I imagine that is how energy channels work. You get your needs met by allowing things to flow freely, both ways in your life.

You get there by feeling worthy enough to receive and abundant enough to give consciously from your heart.

May your energy channels expand and flow each time you consciously give from your heart and each time you allow yourself to receive.

May you feel frequencies of the energy you desire to experience in your body, through your imagination and lived experiences.

This can reset your day.

And don’t forget to notice that sometimes… God does have a sense of humor.

The Santa Ana Volcano, El Salvador. Also known as “The Grandmother.” A 5 mile round trip hike. Photo taken by me.

lookout tower on the way up the volcano

almost at the top of the Santa Ana Volcano