How to free yourself from The Matrix

With a few tips on how to fight a demon gleaned through a psychadellic journey

selfie, 7 waterfalls, El Salvador, looking at the beauty

Well, if you opened this, you are ready for the Red Pill aren’t you?

It is a powerful question, and quite important right now, I believe.

How does one free oneself from The Matrix, and what is The Matrix really, for you, right now?

Because it is impossible to free yourself from something unless you are aware of what it is.

Without awareness, there is no choice—John Barnes

So, this week, I would like to bring some awareness to a few things. These may be things you already know. Things you sense.

But sometimes it helps to spell them out in big letters, in a way that says, “Oh my God! Thank God! Now I see that is just another version of The Matrix and I don’t have to see it that way or believe it anymore. I can be free of this!”

At this moment, I want you to envision what happened in a scene from the movie, The Matrix (and, if you haven’t seen the movie I will describe it here):

Neo, the main character, looks at hundreds of bullets flying towards him, holds out his hand in a dismissive gesture, and watches them fall to the floor. He knows in reality, there are no bullets. The bullets are just an illusion and if he see it, and really knows it, he is free of their effect.

There is another scene in that series of movies. In this scene, there is a young child who is adept at bending spoons.

“How did you do that?” asks Neo, as he watches the spoon bend before his eyes.

The child says that first, of course, bending a spoon is impossible. The key is to know this: There Is No Spoon.

Then you can do as you wish.

a photo I took of a spoon a young child I know bent

Now, if you have been reading my weekly posts, you probably know that they wander a bit. That is the way my writing flows. It is like you step into the mycelial network of energy and information with me and we go off on a journey together that seems somewhat random, until you get to the end.

Today is going to be like that.

I read another writer here I like who is choosing to be respectful of people’s time. He is going to limit his posts to a 5 minute read.

(His name is

Kevin Kaiser

, and I recommend him. I like what he has to say.)

I respect that.

I like things short and sweet.

That is not what you are going to get with me.

With me, you are going to get an experience.

And that, often, takes time. Sometimes slow and gentle is what goes deep in the end.

So, let’s wander a bit.

As some of you know, I talk to subtle beings. This is probably the closest I get to God. I mean really talking to God.

I did this intentionally again.

Actually, I do this every day when I sit in my closed and open eyed meditation practice, or write, or marvel at a lizard. All those things are talking to God.

It is just that psychadellic mushrooms have taken the conversations to another level for me. I think that is because they affect the neural network in the brain and activate it so that I am able to receive more. My ego and regular mind have to release some of their control a bit.

I recently mentioned psychadellic mushrooms to someone I know who struggles with depression. There have been a number of studies that suggest that microdosing (taking a dose in which the effects are so subtle, they don’t register in your awareness) has helped some people.

She looked at me and said two things: she doesn’t take drugs and she doesn’t like to feel out of control.

I understand both those things.

I also don’t consider psychadellic mushrooms a drug. They are simply something magical (thus probably the term, “magic,” that gets used in relation to them. Many things are magical. A bite of watermelon, taken slowly, felt as the tiny cells of sweet water burst in your mouth, is magical. It takes a lot of presence to experience that.

Mushrooms affect the brain and the receptors. But from what I have experienced and understand, the effect simply enhances what is there.

Juice fasting, other types of fasting, eating in a way that makes you and your body feel good, all have powerful effects.

When you leave an environment that feels toxic to you in some form, there is a powerful effect on your being and state of mind.

I find psychadellic mushrooms one of many divine things on this planet.

Like anything, how you interact with them matters.

And you don’t have to.

There are many ways to handle depression. There are many ways to talk to subtle beings or to pray. There are many, many paths to ecstatic states.

I am slightly troubled (and this is something I will work on) when I see people post as if they now have “seen” more clearly and are somehow more enlightened or capable of teaching others because they have gone on a lot of psychadellic “trips.”

I do not want to do that here with you. I am not better than you, or more informed. And whatever I write about here is as much for and about you as it is me. So, please keep that in mind.

Now I will tell you why I decided, tentatively and nervously, to take a dose of psychadellic mushrooms called Albino Penis Envy.

I hope you are laughing.

While in Costa Rica, I met a man at the local farmer’s market selling various forms of psychadellic mushrooms. I think that is the first time I learned there are different strains that carry different energies.

Since I can feel the energy of things, I did so, and this particular strain is the one that called to me.

He looked at me and told me seriously, that it was one of the stronger versions, energetically, that he sold. I don’t believe by that he meant it had more active compounds in it per gram. I think he meant that these particular mushrooms meant business in whatever they had to teach.

I tucked them away and asked a few friends about him. I learned he had a good reputation and was known to have integrity.

So, I held onto them.

When I took psychadellic mushrooms in Costa Rica, I purchased them from a friend I hired to support me. Albino Penis Envy was somewhat forgotten.

That brings me to more recent times where I was shocked to hear that such mushrooms may have a limited shelf life. This was new to me.

Really, if I think of mushrooms and journeying with them, I would lean towards once a year.

I spoke to Louis Schwartzberg and his wife once. He created the exquisitely beautifully movie, Fantastic Fungi.

“How often do you take them?” I asked his wife. (This is before I had ever taken them, but had studied them and seen the movie).

“Once a year,” is what I think she said.

That feels good to me. It feels respectful.

Now here I am.

I had taken them twice so far this year and I consider that a lot. I learned a lot, such as nothing is actually real, except for love. That is a small phrase that one’s mind can use for a lot of things. You can use it to bypass your pain (not recommended). You can use it to shut people up who are saying things that are too much for you to feel (again, not recommended…I would suggest you simply excuse yourself and offer yourself some love and compassion away from them). Or you can really take it in and explore it, over time. That is what I have been doing. That is why it doesn’t take a lot of “trips” to get lessons that are meaningful. Sometimes I think, less is more. And none of this is even necessary in the end. You will get where you are headed. This is only one of many options. You may get enough just reading this. And I mean that.

You don’t have to do things that scare you. It is good to trust yourself, whatever that means.

My friend doesn’t want to take drugs and she is scared to feel out of control.

If you want to hang onto control, psychadellic mushrooms could be pretty scary. If you fight anything that is out of your control, it can be terrifying. The first time I took them alone (until I called for help from a friend), I too, did not like the sensations I was feeling. It reminded me of giving birth and the moment of transition. I felt sea sick. That is one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.

So, I hope I am clear that I am not recommending this or anything.

However for me, this dance with psychadellic mushrooms has become just that, a dance.

I know how to relax now and I have never experienced that terrible feeling of seasickness.

But I am still a beginner. A beginner who had Albino Penis Envy stored in a fridge that might, just might, be going bad.

And this is not something I was willing to let happen.

I don’t have access to unlimited supplies of psychadellic mushrooms whenever I desire them. I care who grows them. I care how much prayer and reverence they have. I now care about what strain they are.

All that is to say, that this was in the back of my mind when I also was considering fasting again.

For me, this too is a form of prayer and a way to experiment in optimizing my health.

I feel now like my body is a vehicle to connect to the divine. It is not separate from it. So the more I feel good in it, the clearer channel for information and higher frequencies of love I can be.

So, I was going to fast again. And the optimal timing to begin came about rather unexpectedly when I got sick for one day.

I did my week of fasting and I wasn’t sure about taking those mushrooms.

I like to take them when I have a burning question for God.

This time, I was simply working on some basic things like healing the energetic pathways in my lower chakras. These energy centers have to do with grounding, safety, creativity, sexuality, and money. I recently learned I had been tucking my sacrum under for maybe my entire life. And now I was working on changing that. I was learning to use the muscles in my hips with my new trainer, Kevin. Manuel, a talented body worker here, was helping me in his own way, to also shift these physical and energetic patterns.

What I mean by that is that things are all connected. How I feel, how much I can show up in a room and stay centered is related to how I can find a physical alignment in my body. I have been refining this for years, but this new discovery around my sacrum has really got me inspired.

It feels amazing to go do a dead lift (even if it is just the 15 lb. bar I am lifting) and engage the muscles of my hips and inner thighs. It is a new physical experience and I know it is helping me much more than simply “getting fit.”

Me getting into my Demon fighting stance, at the El Zonte Gym with my personal trainer, Kevin. Located at Hope House. The place is worth a visit.

So, as you can see, I was working and exploring things. I think I always am. But I didn’t have a burning question that I thought was worthy enough of sacred white albino penis envy mushrooms.

My mind was coming up with reasons not to take them.

But my body was clean from fasting and they were sitting there, potentially going to go bad in my fridge.

After some prayer and a sense that it would be good for me, I did my best to write down my intentions. So I wrote about my sacrum mostly. I wrote about my quest to understand more about love and relationships.

Then, despite feeling nervous, I tucked myself into my bedroom, turned on some beautiful music, made sure I had everything I might need including paper, pen, and an available friend to call if things didn’t go smoothly, and I took a bite of half the chocolate containing white albino penis envy mushrooms. I set a timer for half an hour and when it went off, I was still feeling fine, and so I slowly ate the rest of the chocolate and finished them.

Now, let me be clear.

I thought White Albino Penis Envy mushrooms might kick my ass. In Costa Rica I had taken something called Ghost and learned later that they had a very strong personality.

I was asking questions about healing my sacrum and lower chakras. This is a place a lot of intergenerational and personal trauma and emotions are stored.

Now, I have done tons of work on this. And I mean that. I really have made a lot of progress. Sometimes I meet people who say they have done a lot of work or taken a lot of classes, and I can still feel the trauma and anxiety in their system. You know what I mean, I imagine? They are still not making a lot of eye contact. They seem to have too many things on their plate. They feel anxious.

I can of course, be in that state. But not too often anymore. I have released the hell out of all that shit. I have worked my ass off. And it is not uncommon for me now to meet people who say they like to be around me because for some strange reason, they feel better after we hang out. A few have told me I have a “calming presence.”

Well, let me tell you, that none of that happened by chance. I am not on some “calming presence” pedestal standing high above you. I simply have worked the hell out of a lot of shit. That’s the truth. And I have made progress.

Never the less, I was nervous about White Albino Penis.

Now, after my very gentle and interesting experience with them, I think I can tell you why.

You see, I am working on the issue of my sacrum and “tucking my tail” as a way to respond to things that I find overwhelming or scary. It is a childhood pattern. Maybe a multi-lifetime pattern. I don’t know.

What I do know is that it makes sense that if I was going to talk to God, or subtle beings, or my deep subconscious (however you want to see it) about why I tuck my sacrum… Well, it makes sense that the first emotion I would hit is fear and timidness, right?

But I took them anyway. That is maybe just how I am in some ways.

Now, I would like to tell you about my little “trip.”

And that sounds rather vicarious and distant doesn’t it?

But what you may not know is that a lot of interesting things have come out of such “trips” (and I include any form of deep meditation or prayer here). Art, insights into how to create new physical inventions. They have studied…or they were in the 60s and are just now starting to get back to this in a public way…how amazing such “trips” can be to foster painting, science, engineering. All those things. There are studies on this.

Since I currently mostly paint with words now, that is what I wish to do with you here so that we all benefit.

Some organic chocolate with cashews from Elixir Juice Company, and my notebook for writing about what I am learning

You don’t have to take Albino Penis Envy to do this. Please don’t tell yourself that. And lets be clear that I for sure, am not and am very unwilling to suggest I have obtained some “more than you enlightened state.” In fact, to get us started, I would like to refer to that as what I like to call, “Demon shit.”

Which brings me to the lens I would like you to view the upcoming story through.

I am going to refer to demons. And I am going to talk a little about angels.

Does that mean you have to fear an energetic being, called a Demon, that may show up unexpectedly in your life? Does it mean you might be an Angel or meet one and then worry that people may call you crazy if you tell them about it (Moses may have been braver than I ever considered…).

No.

Does that mean I think Demons and Angels are not real?

No, it doesn’t mean that either.

If you can think about what I am going to say like you would think about music, I think we will be good.

We could go into some deep shit. I could tell you I have worked with teachers who told me they had clients who were ritually abused. I could tell you I am aware such things happen on this planet and that the energy around all that is real and it is dark shit. I could tell you that I spoke to one of my teachers once and watched his eyes go completely black. I could tell you that later, when I talked to a very famous author, psychic, and energy healer, she told me she saw the same things once. And I could tell you I saw a science fiction show that was supposedly fiction and they had the actors eyes do exactly the same thing.

But that might sound scary and I am not into that, nor do I think there is anything to fear in any of this.

I think the most scared I have ever been was when I was six years old trying to sleep in a bedroom at my grandparent’s house. Their house was a haven for me. I loved them very much. I still use the energy of their care as a reference in my life.

But at night, I wanted the door left open to the bedroom I was in. I wanted the nightlight on. I felt like some dark energy was going to creep out of the closet.

All that might seem irrational now.

Except now, at 57, I know what happened in the past in that bedroom and let me tell you, it was not good. I also know that some artists bought the house after my grandparents passed away. They did not know about the family skeletons in the closet of that bedroom. But, one of the artists painted a mural on a wall in the guest house nearby that spelled out the trauma that had happened in there. Without knowing anything about it!

That is a big deal.

That means that at 6 years old, I was feeling what I would call Demonic energy and that was real. It doesn’t mean a demon was going to come get me in the night. But it means that how I felt was real.

So, you don’t have to think about a Demon as a scary thing that will crawl out of the wall and get you.

I do believe there are beings that live in a very, very low frequency, egotistical vibrational state and they do very, very painful and negative things.

But when it comes to energy, you can simply say “No!” to things. If some subtle being tries to talk to you and it doesn’t feel right to you, just tell it go away. I really believe it is that simple. I believe that we do choose what we interact with. You only have to listen to what you want. Including this.

I am not afraid of demons.

I have been in places where the energy is very negative. Sometimes I walk away. It is not all mine to fix.

You too, can sense such places. I am sure of it.

Sometimes, it is not such a loud thing, as a place like Auschwitz.

It may simply be a family gathering where a lot of negative, under the surface things are going on.

Sometimes, you just walk away and leave the shit.

You know what I mean?

And sometimes you rise above it.

Which brings me to my little “trip” and what I have to say about freeing yourself from The Matrix.

A few things happened on my journey. I always talk to subtle beings on these trips. But for me, this is no different than when I write to them, or pray and get answers that I feel as words in my head. It is just more intense and clear with the mushrooms.

And Albino Penis Envy, or my guides, or most likely both wanted to tell me something.

It was something I had been told before by my Grand Master Chi Gong Teacher, Beverly. She inferred I was one of the souls that worked with Archangel Michael. He is the warrior one, who has a big sword of light.

I kind of blew Beverly off at the time.

Now my guides and these mushrooms told me that I was a Warrior of the Light.

(Please remember what I said above. I am not telling you I am some bad ass something to teach you shit because I am now more enlightened more than you. In fact, if you get a sense of that, I suggest you stop reading and say “no” to it, just like any version of twisted “demonic” energy that might poke at your awareness).

And here is where I think you may be surprised at my reaction.

I was irritated.

I figured a Warrior of the Light was here to fight Demons and I wanted no part of it.

“Why is that?” you might wonder.

I mean, I already told you I think there is some pretty dark stuff that happens on this planet. Doesn’t someone need to fight it?

Well, my sense in that moment was that this would be a never ending battle and I was simply not interested. If God designed me to fight Demons and demonic shit, I wanted him/her to go back to the drawing board and redesign me. I was not going to agree to it.

(As you can see, God has a lot to deal with when it comes to me).

Now, I think my response was quite valid.

If you fight against the energy of things, you are in the same frequency of the things you fight against.

You are trapped in The Matrix with no way out but to keep going back, again and again, with no end in sight. You are stuck in a version of Hell-with-no-End.

That was not OK with me at all.

That is when they showed me that this is not actually the job of a Warrior of the Light.

You want to know what it is?

(Because, let me whisper in your ear for a minute that this is not just about me and that if you have read this far, I think God, or your guides, or your spirit or soul is talking to you, too, in this moment).

A Warrior of the Light does not fight Demons. A Warrior of the Light does not engage them. A Warrior of the Light simply vibrates at a higher frequency from them.

Martin Luther King did this.

You might think the Demons got him (and think energy here if you like…this really is not intended to be in any way, creepy).

But if you personify things as Demonic, did the Demons get him?

I think not. Personally, I am sure his soul lives on. And his message? Well, I think they amplified it.

What about Joan of Arc? Sure she did actually fight against things. But I feel in the end, what she really did was hold a higher frequency of light and they did not destroy it. Things that move out of the Matrix of energy, the unconscious, disconnected from God place that many things exist in, cannot be touched. The Matrix is not what love is. And if you resonate in higher frequencies of love and consciousness, you cannot be touched.

The way you fight Demons is you challenge them to meet you there.

And you know what happens if they do? They are no longer Demons.

And that’s a good thing.

Maybe Warriors of the Light are here to lift the Demons out of that shit and love and celebrate them when they transform themselves.

One thing that I am glad to know is that it is not about fighting them.

There are images that came to me on that journey.

The first was of a dog, with its tail tucked between its legs.

This is what I learned to do in life.

It has been a coping mechanism.

I am not wrong for it. You are not wrong for your own strategies. We all find coping mechanisms that work for us, until they don’t.

Then they showed me what I told you above. They showed me what a Warrior of the Light does.

At some point, I decided to sit and gaze at a beautiful wall hanging I carry with me. My cousin introduced me to the artist. I will see if I can find a link for you.

It means a lot to me. It is not easy to bring a lot of things when you are living a lifestyle that involves traveling with suitcases. But this is fabric. I can roll it up and tuck it in my bag. My dad cut a dowel for me and helped me with the fishing line so I can hang it easily.

There is something about the form and colors I love.

This is a link to the tapestry my cousin has in his house. It is also the website where I ordered the one above

So, I decided to spend some time in my altered state, gazing at this image I love.

Something about it reminds me of another Saint. Saint Germain. Somewhere I read he was also Joseph in the Joseph in Mary story.

As I gazed at this beautiful image, the white lines became brighter and I felt myself drawn towards a divine frequency state that was so intense, I started to feel faint.

So I looked away.

I went to lie down for a time.

God is a lot to take in.

Then I came back and I said I needed less. There are some notes that are still a stretch for my system to play.

And I gazed at the image and I could see the light in the solar plexus. The light in the pelvis and root chakra and how it all connects.

It is so beautiful isn’t it?

And I know, that the more I work on my physical form, I also work on how I hold my energetic body.

I know that soon, when I leave to go lift weights with Kevin, I am training to be a Warrior of the Light and he, unbeknownst to himself, is teaching me.

The more I use my pelvis and unlock my sacrum, the more I can flow through the Matrix of this world of delusion and see through it.

The more I can look demons in the eye and say, “Sure, I’ll fight you. But you have to meet me here. Come and get me. Here.”

I have a silly fantasy in my mind.

Last time I travelled to the US, the face scanner scanned me. I am sure my face and eyes are scanned and categorized somewhere.

I have all those things to make travel easier and also more creepy. TSA pre-check. Global Entry. Things like that.

I know the moment they scanned my eyes without my permission at a customs agent counter in the US. The light was red. He sat with my passport and my real, human face a few feet away from his and told me to stand in front of the computer so the camera could “check” things. A red light shined into my eyes and I felt the energy of it. The violation. The creepy feeling.

But it was too late.

But was it really?

My fantasy is when I walk by and look into those scanners, I look right at them. With my eyes. And I greet them as a Warrior of the Light. Here I am, eye scanner thing. I did not mess up. It is not too late. Go ahead. Scan me. But if you want to fight me, you will have to meet me. Here. Right here. Come and get me.”

It is a different energy.

It does not involve fighting in the regular way the Matrix knows. And it does not involve tail tucking.

It is simply about Truth.

And Love energy.

And those two things are powerful. Really powerful. They are the Sword of Light. And as long as one wields it wisely and with discernment, it is a way to be free. Free from the Matrix.

You have your own list of Matrix things.

Things that you are told that don’t seem real.

Recently, I came across a video very randomly that showed how full head masks are so realistic, they can fool people in the same room. That actually makes sense to me. With face scanning and so many ways to lose ones freedom, there will be other things that are available at the same time.

But it leaves one wondering, what is real? Who is real that I see? Everything can be faked now. And many of you feel, like me, that there is a lot of propaganda out there.

Quite a few of us refuse to watch TV. Or we are thinking about it.

How do you free yourself from The Matrix?

You discern what is real.

What is real for you right now?

What matters more than anything?

Yesterday, it was a moment I had in the city.

I was sitting with the parents of the owner of the place I rent. We were in a huge version of a store very similar to Costco.

His father was 90 and sipping a drink. His son told me this is an outing for him. He is an adventurous man who loved to travel. It is hard for him now. He and his wife told me how they used to drive from El Salvador with their kids, through Mexico, to San Francisco.

They invited me to stay at their little apartment sometime when I visited the city.

His 90 year old eyes looked at me intently as he spoke. He laughed as he told me how long they had been married. I think he said 64 years.

His wife, a few years younger and now the one who cares for him and does all the driving, smiled sweetly.

That moment, that moment mattered.

None of us were in the Matrix.

Do you know what I mean?

I hope so.

In ten minutes I leave to meet Kevin. He will help me lift some weights. I am a Warrior of Light in training.

Then I will go see Manuel this afternoon and he will work to free the muscles around my sacrum.

And me, me who used to cringe to spend money on myself?

I will smile now.

I am worthy.

I am training.

It’s a God thing.

Just like writing to you here is.

Blessings on your journey.

Here is to another week. The Matrix, is only as real as we allow it to be.

9:09 am now…and the spiritual meaning: “is to do things you love.”

—it will change your frequency

The Museo del Arte, San Salvador, El Salvador. I love the softness of this…and the coffee theme.

Mafer in the Museo del Arte, San Salvador, El Salvador. Mafer is a fashion designer with a runway show coming up soon. She designs bathing suits for surfers. Her father is an artist with a gallery in the city we also visited. People around the world own his paintings.

These two photos from the Museo Del Arte really reminded me of what it feels like to be living in The Matrix:

Mafer tells me this image is from a children’s story here. Good to know. I thought I was looking at a Harry Potter version of the Dementor’s kiss. It is good to extract oneself from these types of energies. Maybe not a story I would want to tell my kids.

A final note to those of you still with me. I don’t watch the news anymore. Not the mainstream news. But I do follow people here on Substack. Some of them I enjoyed this week are

Both Are True

(he makes me laugh).

What IS a name, really?

(incredible images).

Christopher Cook

(informs me of news that feels out of the Matrix and gives me other ways to consider how the world could work). The Corbett Report (which I can’t link and is here on Substack…keeps me informed regarding world events).

The Starfire Codes

(who knew you could be informed through memes?).

Charlotte Pendragon

(incredible life stories and deep thoughts…also an amazing connector of those of us here on Substack).

Jamie Millard

(poetry baby).

Jacqueline Rendell

(incredible musical offerings, deep thoughts, and interviews of interesting people writing here…this weeks thought from Jacqueline for me: “Its ok to not fit in.”

Patrick Muindi

(deep thoughts again).

Alicia Kwon

(deep thinker, poet, and light bearer). And there are more. Many more of you. I am subscribed and try not to miss things, but sometimes I do. If I didn’t mention you, you still matter to me a lot. And I am watching for your pieces.

***and the final, final note is that all I write is not intended as therapy, financial advice, or anything more than a human being sharing her experience. I am not a financial advisor, or a therapist. And in most states, Psychedelics are still classified in the same category as illegal substances.