How to navigate the sometimes stormy sea of life

Be in this world and not of this world, and know that yes, you do matter

I wondered if my new, fun glasses, match the silly hat I bought for the last Telluride Mushroom Festival? So I tried them on and took this selfie.

Dearest—be in this world, but not of this world. There is much pain and confusion here dearest and yes, much beauty. It is true that you have had many experiences that tell you you don’t matter, aren’t valued or important or special. Aren’t loved. But my darling child, this does not make it true. See the delusion for what it is and love yourself through it all. This matters greatly and in this you are fulfilling your purpose and beautiful design. You are so loved….You must learn to care for and value yourself. Yes. To flow. To rest when you are tired dearest. For this is true love and you are more than enough.

—a message from guided writing

Navigating the sometimes stormy sea of life

CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE, CHANGE YOUR EXPERIENCE

It is funny and I used to think the way I felt was completely my fault. I thought of my sometimes uncomfortable emotional state as something that was wrong and faulty with me. And when I felt uncomfortable, I wanted to feel better.

The answer…

Personal growth. Teachers. Workshops. Diet. Exercise. And whatever I could conjure up to achieve….drum roll here please…ENLIGHTENMENT.

Because I was sure someone “enlightened” felt much better than me.

Why did I feel like I wanted to crawl out of my skin?

Why did I feel so deflated when my husband-at-the-time wouldn’t turn around in his desk chair to look at me while I spoke?

What was wrong with me?

What could I change about myself to fix all that?

I never considered that we had a problem in our mutual relationship. I made it about me. Me, I could do something about. Him….well. Let’s just stick with me, alright?

I think of this now for a few reasons.

The first is that it is stormy outside here in El Salvador. This morning, as I found a place to sit near the ocean and tiny waterfall I love, it began to rain. I was under a covered overhang, yet the gusty wind carried the raindrops towards me and ignored the overhang. Wind just does it’s thing, doesn’t it? It is a lot like life. You may think you have found your way to some secure, protected setting and whoosh, life comes at you regardless. Then you have to deal with it.

a photo from this stormy day, in El Zonte, El Salvador

This morning, I loved the wildness of the wind and the rain that found its way to me.

Those two things fill me with energy and excitement.

Soon after my energy-filled meditation (no it is not just about feeling tranquil for me), I headed back the few yards to my casita. My bright blue rain jacket has become slightly permeable over the years. I continue to love it, and it definitely needed to dry. I hung it on a peg outside and hoped drying was a possibility in the storm. Then my upstairs roommate strolled by, as he often does. Usually, there is a friendly wave after a furtive glance to see if I am open to a quick “hello”. He and I both like our solitude and our privacy. And we like to know we are not alone. Today I invited him inside and offered to make him a cup of coffee.

He has no kitchen upstairs and thus, must venture out for every meal. The outdoor kitchen under construction here, that should have been done in a week, is moving more slowly than expected. Instead, the Guatemalan workers are digging the foundation for two new casitas. And a tiny room below us has had a small bathroom installed along with an air conditioner.

I assume the owner is anxious to rent places out and create an ever-growing stream of cash flow. My neighbor’s need for a kitchen, may have been pushed back while these new projects were prioritized.

So my offer to him of coffee seemed like a lovely thing on this blustery, Winnie-the-Pooh day.

One of my friends here on Substack had just made a comment on my last post and asked some questions about Bitcoin. I had finished typing a reply. As my neighbor settled down on my small, plastic couch, I asked him to read it and let me know what he thought.

This neighbor seems to be an expert in the Bitcoin field and I imagined his understanding surpassed mine tremendously. 

I proceeded to fill my electric kettle with water from my new, double water filtration system as I waited to hear what his response would be. 

(Last week, I hauled both my Berkey Water Filter that was stored at my parent’s house, and a new, counter-top distiller back in two suitcases. Neither saved me from waking up a few nights later from my body’s need to purge something…but I digress….maybe. I mean, the stormy sea of life comes in so many forms doesn’t it? Despite what you do? Even two water filters can’t save you sometimes. But none of that had happened yet… Let’s go back to my neighbor sitting on my plastic couch.)

I wasn’t going to drink coffee today. I sleep better when I avoid it. And I do love coffee. It was easy to change my mind. I pulled out a french press that was big enough to make coffee for us both.

Then I hit the switch on my glassy electric kettle and waited for the beautiful blue light to turn on to show me it was busy heating the water.

But….nothing happened.

Ahhh…

The water in the electric kettle would have to wait for later, when there was electricity.

Ah well.

I mentioned to him that the power seemed to be out.

My friend found this deeply troubling. Agitating even. He began to exclaim that his day was ruined. He wouldn’t be able to work now. All his fellow coworkers, some of them in New York City, would not understand his situation. He exclaimed that he might lose funding. 

As he was saying these things, I glanced in the bedroom to double check and confirmed that yes, the AC was out too.

We were definitely without power.

And life, had become more stormy. At least for him. For me, I was empathetic and slightly amused. I saw this particular situation as challenging in a fun, what-will-I-do-now kind of way.

OBSERVE THE SEA, THEN ACT…ACCEPT WHAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE AND CHANGE WHAT YOU CAN

I managed to fire up the gas stove with a lighter (somehow it couldn’t make its normal spark without electricity) and poured the water from my new distiller into a pan that I imagined was coated with something toxic.

(I cook in stainless steal or glass if at all possible and I use what I’ve got here. My cookware was far away in a box back in California. The cardboard box was sitting in an old, at-times mouse-infested camper, with a lot of supposedly mouse-deterring bars of Irish Spring soap scattered around. So far, the soap has been ineffective as my father continues to catch mice in his traps despite my humane attempt to deter them. Mom says he appears to be gaining the current upper hand in this on-going battle.)

Sometimes we must make concessions in dire circumstances.

I covered the pan of water with a glass lid I found in the dark recesses of a cabinet. Then I waited for it to boil.

My friend was focused on attempting to read what I had written to give me some feedback. He told me this was difficult as I kept speaking as I foraged for lighters, pans, and lids. He reminded me that he was A MAN and could only focus on one thing at a time. I reminded him that I was A WOMAN with a habit of talking out loud that some men might find frustrating. I told him not to worry and to just ignore me.

He managed to focus enough to finish reading. He mentioned that I had written a lot in my response (I consider this an issue for me, but he seemed to say it in a complementary way). He gave it his educated stamp of approval and told me I had done well.

Ahhhh again.

Soon after, he mentioned he saw the person I wrote to had already responded to me. He rolled his eyes and said something about women being “wordy.”

We couldn’t seem to escape that.

I can’t seem to help it. There are so many things I have to say.

Even with this simple post that was meant to be about going to Catalina Island years ago on a boat, I find myself writing to you about coffee.

But here’s the thing.

We never know what a day will bring, do we?

YOU CAN’T PREDICT THE WEATHER, IT WILL SURPRISE YOU. WHAT YOU CAN DO IS ACCEPT AND NAVIGATE WHATEVER SHOWS UP.

I like to ask myself if I am happy with what I am doing in the moment, if this was my last day on Earth? If my life ends today, is what I am doing worth my time and energy?

(Right now, as I am typing to you, I am slightly hot, eating a cold leftover omelet out of a bowl I pulled from the fridge, which is still devoid of power along with everything else). 

Surprisingly, I can tell you that right now, I am quite happy. I would enjoy a fan or some AC. But nevertheless, this is a fun day for me. Unexpected things are happening and I am going to have coffee after all!

It has thrown my dear friend though.

And that’s ok too.

PART OF NAVIGATING THE SOMETIMES STORMY SEA OF LIFE, IS TO NOTICE HOW YOU FEEL, NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR IT, AND THEN DECIDE WHAT YOU WILL DO AND HONOR WHAT YOU NEED

I am reminded of days that throw me as well and all the things that might be affecting me.

It is not always “my fault” when I feel less than optimal.

There might be a cell tower nearby or satellites recently launched spewing invisible EMFs in the vicinity that I can’t see. 

I have learned that those things affect me.

The Schumann resonance of the planet might be high.

That too is unseen and affects our human bodies.

Perhaps the planet is moving through a proton field that is causing everyone’s past traumas to come up so they can deal with them? Maybe there are a lot of solar flares lately?

I am a sensitive person and I have learned that I feel things that are not always obvious to me.

I imagine lots of things affect you as well. Things you may not be aware of at all. Even friends and family can affect how we feel. Sometimes things are happening with them that they haven’t told us yet, but we “know” because we feel something is a little “off.”

You know what I mean now, don’t you?

We are also affected by other people’s energy. Sure, you can tell me you are centered, grounded, have done lots of work etc… etc… But if millions of people on the planet are suddenly triggered by something in their news feed, I imagine you would feel it. It’s just like noticing the weather. You can’t help but be affected. You might have tools to deal with how you manage what you feel, but you would feel something. And that something does not always feel good. That does not make it your fault. It makes it something interesting to manage.

My sweet roommate left with his coffee as I had a meeting starting with my creativity coach, Alex. 

My cell phone was still working, so I perched it on a wooden stool I set in front of the patio furniture chair in my living room and plopped down happily with my new, freshly brewed cup of coffee.

The stormy day was dancing outside my window.

For me, it is a perfect day for writing, meditating, walking on the beach, or studying the new Spanish book I just purchased.

It is full of so much energy!

Alex appeared on my screen and I took a moment to check how I was doing.

WHEN YOU ARE IN A BOAT, THE SEA CHANGES ALL THE TIME. IT IS GOOD TO KEEP CHECKING HOW YOU, AS THE METAPHORICAL BOAT, ARE DOING?

LIFE CAN BE INTERESTING AS LONG AS YOU DON’T JUDGE YOURSELF FOR HOW YOU FEEL. USE THE INFORMATION LIKE A BOAT CAPTAIN WOULD. YOU CAN ALWAYS MAKE ADJUSTMENTS.

I realized I did not feel quite as free and energetically delighted as I had just a few moments before.

I thought of my agitated, and now caffeinated, roommate upstairs who just visited and wondered….could that have affected me?

So I asked Alex if we could pause for a moment. I closed my eyes, took a breath and let go of whatever my energy field might be doing that was resonating with agitation.

I had never tried something like that before, in that way. But I wondered…if my energy field was resonating with someone else’s state, could I release it intentionally and easily?

I imagine this would be like if you were a tuning fork.

If I tap one tuning fork near another, the other tuning fork will start to hum. If I touch it back on the table, it stops humming.

LET YOURSELF EXPERIMENT WITH THINGS AS YOU NAVIGATE THE SEA.

I was both surprised and pleased when I felt my energy shift immediately. All it took was a simple intention to release any tones that were vibrating in my energy field that did not originate from me or feel life-enhancing. I am not blaming him for anything. I am glad he stopped by. And I still wanted to navigate the sea of the experience as consciously as I could.

Not everything you feel is your fault or even comes from you. So changing yourself will only get you so far. You might say I did that in the example above. And you would be right.

However, if my roommate was my husband, and we were affecting one another frequently, my responsibility would be to figure out what my boat needs and then take care of it and myself. Maybe we would do some exploration and navigating together? Because there would be three boats wouldn’t there? Mine, his, and ours? Noticing that and making choices that honor three boats on the sea has a lot to do with personal sovereignty.

Sometimes, we want to change the sea. We want to change the person in front of us. Or change ourselves in a desperate hope that that will change the person in front of us.

Don’t get me wrong. We are all tuning forks and we all affect our environment and one another. But it is not up to us what the other tuning forks choose to do, or how they feel.

I hope that makes sense. It is one of the most important things I have learned and am still learning. (I continue to have a habit of wanting to tell the other tuning forks what to do…often because their tone is hard for me to be around. But that doesn’t make it ok for me to mess with them now does it? Sure, we could get some coaching together. Maybe some musical training on how to work in better harmony. Or not. Some tuning forks have no interest in how you are humming, you know what I mean? I hope so. That is when you remember you are in a musical sea, in your boat, and you notice what you may need to do for yourself. You get closer to how you feel and feel it more. Then you get curious about it. Then you own your power to investigate it and try things out. You know, like playing a game.)

This is what brings me, in a lengthy-wordy-satisfying-for-me-female-way to my Catalina boat story.

Many years ago, my husband and I, along with our young son, decided to go to Catalina Island off the coast of California for a weekend day-trip. 

The crossing is known to be frequently rough and I have always been sensitive to rough seas (yes, I am talking actual ocean now).

I was pregnant and soon after the boat left the dock, it began to soar up like a plane just after take-off, and then drop down quickly, over and over again. I imagined the people that traversed the sea from Europe in their ships. I thought of how much I would have hated crossing here on one of those ships.

If you get sea sick, it is frustrating as you can’t do anything about the situation your body is in. 

Many things are like that aren’t they?

So what then?

Well, way back then in my 20’s I had done some yoga and mediation. So, I closed my eyes and focused on relaxing and breathing.

To people around me, I imagine I would have appeared incredibly calm and serene.

That is how I was attempting to be. And I was also sitting on a razor wire hoping it would all be over quickly.

I clung to my technique like a life preserver, and focused with all I had on every in and out breath, and on relaxing. It got me across the channel without any purging.

That was a huge accomplishment for me. And it wasn’t easy.

SOMETIMES, YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST, WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, AND THINGS ARE STILL GOING TO BE CHALLENGING. THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE DOING ANYTHING WRONG. THAT JUST MEANS THE SEA IS PRETTY ROUGH AND CHALLENGING. SEAS CAN BE LIKE THAT SOMETIMES.

That was a way I navigated an actual, rough ocean crossing.

I closed my eyes and relaxed my way through it.

Today with Alex, I took a moment to notice my energetic state and to simply breathe and release any anxiety in my field.

I used to judge myself if I did not feel amazing every day.

I told myself I must be doing something wrong. I must need more spiritual study. 

I mean, I felt great yesterday didn’t I?

Well, actually, yesterday afternoon I felt tired.

And I wondered about that?

WHEN YOU WONDER ABOUT THINGS, YOU ARE NAVIGATING

I was thinking of the book I want to complete, the car my mind thinks it is time to find and purchase, and the lack of comfortable furniture in my casita. 

My upstairs neighbor had also asked me about the work I do and how I make money?

I always find such questions tiring as well.

In this world, value is frequently tied to what we physically produce. No one sees energy, so the gift of your soul and its affect on everything is completely discounted. 

Well.

It matters.

It matters to me.

I don’t care what you do for money.

You’re going to leave that behind eventually anyway.

Those within the matrix of value and measurement will never be able to see beyond their own reality.

—a message from guided writing

The last few days, there has been a cloud of yellow butterflies near the gate to this property. I don’t know why they are there. I don’t know why they have enjoyed flying over the dirt in frenzied, delightful spiraling swirls.

I have no idea what those butterflies actually do, physically, on the planet.

Some people would call them useless if they can’t see a physical gift or purpose in them.

Not me.

For no reason at all, they make me tremendously happy. And that is enough.

You are enough.

If you feel off today, it’s ok. Who knows why, right? There are many things that affect us.

The best thing to do when the sea of your life gets stormy is to be kind to yourself and do what you can to navigate what is happening in the moment.

This too shall pass, even though it may not feel that way.

Yesterday I thought, “Terra, you are tired. What if you do what feels restful? What if you let that simply be ok and stop worrying about finishing your book, or how you want to do it? What if you really embrace what you know, which is that your life matters and you matter?”

So I did. I went to walk on the beach. But as I mentioned, I was tired so when I saw an inviting spot to sit on the rocks, I climbed up and sat. I let go of exercising.

The spot was in a bit of shade and the view was lovely. I was alone, with waves crashing in front of me. The energy of the storm that was coming was amazing. Wind and salty spray raced over the rocks and danced on my skin. 

I rested in the middle of the oncoming energy and it nurtured me.

When I felt complete, I went back to my casita and grabbed my new Spanish book. I took it to a table by the pool.

It was strangely quiet and I realized it was Friday and the workers had gone back to Guatemala for the weekend. 

I was alone and the tranquility, along with the lull in the wind and rain, soothed me.

I found the book and activities in it both made sense and were fun. Finally, I had found something to study that felt like it would really support me.

No one was listening as I sat saying little phrases in Spanish with the strongest accent I could. I laughed at the fun of it. I sipped my blue Elixir nut milk, with mint and spirulina.

No, I didn’t have a regular job.

No, I have never lived a life most people would understand.

Yes, I am very dedicated to this unfolding journey.

And it felt good to be resting.

TAKE A MOMENT TO PAUSE AND BREATHE

I realized it is always best to take a breath when I feel anxious.

It helped on that boat to Catalina.

It helped when I was holed up in a tiny hotel room at the end of a quiet valley in Switzerland frantically telling my coach-at-the-time, Markus, that I didn’t know where to go next on my unplanned three month journey.

Markus told me to stop trying to figure things out until I could do it from a place that was anxiety-free.

So, I checked with the hotel to see how much longer I could stay (I think it was a number of weeks) and then I quit trying to orchestrate things. I stopped feeding my anxiety and I went hiking instead.

I think it was only one or two days later when I felt ready to take a second look at what I had wanted to do, that hadn’t seemed to be possible to accomplish with ease.

I found Chartres Cathedral was closer than I thought by train, and I wouldn’t have to stay overnight anywhere on the way.

A few hours later, my unfolding trip was booked and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Why was that?

Well, I listened to Markus and I stopped trying to figure it out while my ship was tossing in an anxious sea.

I had to wait for the weather to change, and part of what changed it was that I stopped making it worse by frantically stirring my paddle around in it. I leaned back and relaxed and it relaxed right along with me.

Things changed when I stopped trying to control things and started giving myself what I needed, which was when I stopped trying to accomplish things while I felt anxious.

YOU ARE NOT A COMMODITY. YOU CAN STEP OUTSIDE THE MATRIX THAT TELLS YOU WHAT REALITY IS. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN TAUGHT SOMETHING, DOESN’T MAKE IT TRUE. YOU CAN DECIDE WHAT YOU AGREE TO AND WHAT YOU DON’T.

It is good I didn’t force myself to dive into “figuring out” the next steps of my book when I was tired.

A few days later, I was on that call with Alex. It was a group call for his new community focused on creativity. But since it is just beginning, only Alex and I were there. That was quite a gift for me.

Alex is good at helping me see when I am getting trapped in The Matrix. There is a matrix when it comes to book publishing. The Matrix says best sellers can’t be too long. The Matrix says you have to find books in similar categories and do what they do. In fact, I almost missed that The Matrix also says your book must fit in a category. The Matrix only knows what to do with things that can be categorized. The Matrix tells me that there is a rule that it is likely you won’t make any money. The Matrix says most books don’t.

But none of that has to be true for me. Or for you. We can do things our way. We can do things in new ways. We can get a much broader view of The Sea.

My book is almost finished. It is an offering I spent a long time creating. And now I have changed. Do I rewrite the whole thing from the “new” me? Ugh. Do I simply let it go? Also, Ugh and sad….for the version of me that worked so hard to write something that she hoped would help other people going through similar things.

So what now? Well…

I will hold the hand of the me that wrote it at the time and as I reread, I will change things a bit. I will edit it like a caring, older person holding the hand of the younger me that spent so much time crafting it for the people who might need it. And we will finish it, in a way that makes us both happy. I won’t try to run it by people and morph it into something that The Matrix says it needs to be.

It will be like what I do here. My best. Good enough. A kind of prayer. An offering.

If it helps one person, it will have been worth it.

Because that is how you and I, tune the SEA. That is how we affect ourselves and the world around us. We learn, we navigate, and we live in the reality that feels most authentic, regardless of what we have been taught. And that, THAT, affects everything.

I really didn’t know how to move forward until now.

So, I waited.

I learned.

I changed.

I met Alex.

I am not suggesting you stall your life and wait for God to save you before you do things.

I simply suggest that waiting when you are unsure, is OK. Life doesn’t have to be so pushy. When you accept how you feel, and offer yourself kindness and care as you live this unfolding journey, the timing will happen naturally and organically. Often, for me, that also seems to come with a lot more ease.

I am absolutely loving and embracing this stormy day and my friend is not as happy.

I am sure there are other situations in which my roommate above would thrive and I would find more challenging.

That’s ok.

We both get to practice navigating life in our own way.

Remember, how you feel is not necessarily just “your fault”. It does not mean something is wrong with you if you are agitated.

It just means you have a choice regarding how you will be in the storm of the moment.

Yesterday, I took some time to write to God a bit and ask “Why do I matter?”

No one paid me to do that.

No one was there to say, “Hey Terra, that is a pretty deep question. It’s great you are taking some time during this human experience to contemplate it and ask God about it.”

There was just me.

And God.

And my guides.

Navigating...

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I also have learned how important it is to include everything we notice energetically. I love this song by Ocie Elliot. It talks about when one may at times, feel oneself in a stormy sea and not feel a way through. I hope something I have written helps you and I want to honor the place he talks of, as I know a lot of people feel this way at times. If you are in that place, I wonder….what do you need? Maybe that place too, needs a little time and a little care? But I am just guessing.

Lyrics

You're a setting sun
Ever on the run
And there's thing's you've done
That won't leave you alone
The weight you've grown
Solid as stone
Has put down below
Everyone you know

But you know the night
Where've your days gone
Kept you out alone
Where you can't know them at all
'Cause you know the night

Everyone in town
Wants to see you sound
But what you have found
Is water in your hand
And you think you can
Make yourself a plan
Then the flames get fanned
Burning down the land

You know the night
Where's your baby gone
Left him by the phone
And you can't pick up the call
'Cause you know the night

And you'd like to get gone
Far from where you're from
But you know you can't run

You know the night
Crying on the floor
Closing all your doors
When you know you need more
You know the night
But you need the day
You're hearing what they say
Still you're turning away
'Cause you know the night
You know the night

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jon Middleton / Sierra Lundy