How to transform emotional and physical pain
How to transform emotional and physical pain
along with tips on how to stay centered in the midst of a changing world
Today, as I was practicing yoga and gazing out at the ocean here in beautiful Mizata, El Salvador, I was struck by the rock in the photo above.
It was so solid in the midst of those powerful, glistening waves.
Mizata is a tiny beach town. There is no grocery store, no gas station, and as far as I can tell so far, no reliable restaurant to purchase food, although Daniel, who lives by the river, serves beer and pizza. The hours he is open remain a mystery to me.
What is here is a black sand beach, serious and highly adept surfers who dance with the smooth waves that crash into white foamy torrents that feel to me, like a blender for the uninitiated.
What is also here is the Antiresort, and the owner, Josh, who plans to make it the top destination in El Salvador.
What is also here is me. And guidance, and the love that brought me here. There is also Julie, who told me about this place and allowed me to obtain a special rate at a resort I would normally find out of my financial comfort zone.
So, grace. Grace for you, and for me, if you listen and follow your heart. It is truly not always easy.
But, back to the point that brings me here with you.
I have been looking for a place to live in this ever-changing, tumultuous world for over a year, and I have been practicing becoming a rock in the sea.
What does that mean?
It means that when things happen around you, you can feel centered in yourself, in your sense of truth, and in your integrity. It means that you can see what is happening around you with more compassion.
It is a practice for me. Here is what I have learned so far:
Have the intention to stay in your center, and make your life a prayer.
Yoga can be helpful for this. Any activity in which you allow yourself to feel your body, physically and emotionally, and to move slowly will grow your capacity.
Get Closer to Things:
The more you feel your body and emotions with care and compassion, the more present you will be.
Emotions are tricky.
In Order to Be the Rock, It Helps to Feel the Sea:
Because in order to be the rock, you also must feel the sea.
What I mean by this is that in order to really be present, in a calm (or sometimes not so calm) way in your body and soul, you must feel what is happening within and around you.
I have resisted this.
One teacher once told me my practice was not to feel things less, which is the wish I expressed to him, but to feel things more.
Why would I want to do that?
Why would you want to feel things more?
Sure, the “good” feelings are mostly fine (although too much of anything can be challenging…I know this as I was close to tears gazing at the beauty here over my breakfast…and people don’t always know the tears come from love…and yes, a part of me still cares what people think…I will work on loving that part too. See my previous post here).
But then there are those OTHER feelings. You know, the ones like anger, fear, uncertainty, and pain. Emotional and physical pain.
Dang, they can be tricky.
What I have found is a bit risky to say to you, because I know the impulse of everyone, including me, is to do the opposite of what I suggest. And as it is has been so incredibly helpful for me, I am going to share it with you here. Take it or leave it. That is part of being a rock. You decide. You feel what is right for you. Trust your integrity. Trust your heart.
What I have found, is that if I can feel whatever is happening in my system more, with a gentle, snuggling-closer energy of care and curiosity, it eventually transmutes into something soft and lovely.
Physical Sensations and Emotions Tend to Get Stronger, before They Release
Now, to be clear, part of this process includes a few moments when you feel the physical or emotional pain get worse, not better.
I first learned this after a year of physical pain. If you told me to “feel it more” I would have wanted to punch you. I wouldn’t have done it. But I would have wanted to. It was that bad.
The doctor prescribed opioids. I writhed on the ground in pain. I wanted to leave the planet. I could only walk for short periods of time without needing to stop and bend over. This put a stop to my yoga practice. It did not stop me from hiking. I refused to stop everything.
One day, at Torrey Pines on a trail atop the cliffs near the beach, I had to stop because the pain was too much for me. This usually happened about every twenty minutes.
So, it was not unexpected. I did my thing. I hunched over and waited for it to pass enough to keep walking.
And that time, there was a moment when I thought to myself, “Why isn’t this going away? My body is trying to tell me something and I have been working with this for over a year. And it is STILL HERE. I have been feeling it. What does it need? What is it trying to tell me?”
How to Feel Things More, with Interest and Care:
That is when I considered a very counter-intuitive thing that only comes from the pit of desperation: “What if I try feeling it more?”
It was not easy and in that moment, I closed my eyes and got closer to it. And it got more intense (translate that as worse, much worse). And I kept breathing and touching it softly, energetically, with curiosity. It didn’t take long and it began to soften. Quite soon, it melted away.
Later, when it came to visit again, I did the same thing.
Soon, it simply stopped. I had loved it enough, or held it enough and it melted into a soft energy. It’s message had been delivered and I imagine it got the love it needed.
Emotional Energy, a New Technique:
I tried the same thing recently with an emotional state.
The thing is, when you or I are feeling upset about something, it is normal to want to do something about it. Maybe we give a so-called helpful suggestion to someone who is annoying us? Maybe we lash out at them? Or maybe, as my friend Bruce says, we simply shove a cork in our mouth and say nothing, whilst we suffer with our withheld and repressed feelings.
Maybe you do what I find myself doing today, as I sit rereading this post (which is helping me too), and find yourself wrestling with a to-do list that both overwhelms and distracts you?
You are not wrong for doing those things and I am sure, like me, you would enjoy another option.
Dr. Sean Stephenson says, "The denial of an emotion is more destructive than the experience of any emotion."#Sean365
A few weeks ago, I found myself filled with frustration and anger. That is not typical for me. We all have emotions that are easier to feel and others that are harder to access. I believe this is probably due to both our personality and our upbringing.
I was good at doing the cork-thing and also have become more adept at allowing myself to feel sad, which is different than tears that come due to the exquisite beauty of the world (I am good at that one too and sometimes, as mentioned above, I feel challenged by it in social situations).
Emotions Can Be a Gift:
Anyway, I thought to myself that it was probably a gift to be in touch with an emotional state that I usually repressed, and I didn’t know what to do with it.
I believe that if you react by fighting against something that you don’t like, you are participating in the energy of it. My goal is to occupy a different frequency state. That is different from repressing something and also different from reacting.
At the time, I felt ready to explode, crawl out of my skin or better yet, both.
So, I went for a walk.
That is a resource for me. It is good to notice what yours might be, as it is a tool that is nice to have handy next time you have a similar moment of explosion-inducing energy.
Find Something to Do That Helps You
I made my way to a short, sandy path, surrounded by sage, manzanita, fennel, and buckwheat.
That is when the idea came to me to experiment with feeling it all more, with interest and care, just like I had learned to do with physical pain years before.
I felt my body. I felt my anger. I felt all the little and big nuances I could. I noticed I was pacing, back and forth.
Despite my state, I had room to find this slightly funny, as I had never “paced” before in my life and I found it a quite helpful strategy.
Then I started talking to God. I told God I was really upset and angry and I didn’t know what to do with all the energy flowing through me. I complained to God. I asked why I was designed to feel so much, when I had no outlet for the energy. I didn’t want to repress it. I didn’t want to act it out.
How was it serving God or me!!!!?
I paced. And I paced. And I ranted. And I kept ranting.
And I felt what I was feeling more, with curiosity.
Now this is different than some practices you may have been taught. I know for me, for years, I thought I was feeling things more like an awesome superhero version of professional Somatic Experiencing. I would mention to practice partners I had, that my jaw was tight. Or that my hip was starting to hurt. Dang, I was good at noticing and feeling my body. That is what I thought. All that yoga, all those classes…well, I was a bad-ass for sure.
The thing is, that just like the physical pain I mentioned before, I wasn’t getting closer to it. I was simply noticing it and talking about it. Truthfully, all I wanted was for it to just GO AWAY.
Curiosity and Care:
That is different that allowing a sensation or emotion with a sense of curiosity and care.
I mean it.
It is not easy.
But it does pay off.
How to Shift into a Different Energetic Frequency:
Just as with the physical pain in the past, my emotions got louder (thus the God-rant I mentioned above). And then suddenly, I shifted into a different energy frequency. I found myself staring at a buckwheat plant, painted with white flowers that were open to bees. The bees were dancing and humming. My visual perception became infused with light.
This is the gift of bringing attention to things with care and curiosity. This is a step to becoming a rock in the sea.
You Are Both the Rock and the Sea:
Because to be the rock, you must also learn to be with the currents and the waves. It is both.
In a way, it is like becoming the edge of a coin. We have been taught there are two choices in life. Choice A or Choice B. You may be thinking of something like this that faces you. But I posit that there is also Choice C…which relates to a different state of being.
You Can Embody a Different Frequency:
If you embody a new frequency, you see and feel the original choice from a very different state of possibility. There still may appear to be two things facing you. But you are different, and can feel your way into and through situations including emotional and physical pain in a new way. You become the rock, more solid in yourself, more grounded, more calm, and you also become the sea…flowing, powerful, and not fighting the waves.
You are surfing and you are centered, at the same time. You are the flow, and you are the still point of a moving field of energy
The More You Feel and Allow, with Love and Care, the More Energy Transforms:
You can be with what is happening and know the more you feel and allow, the more things will transform into something new.
So in a way, this is a path to God for the next step is realizing you are more than even that. The something new is always more than you can imagine, because it is a fresh experience. You can’t know it until you have lived it. There is always more possibility than we see—this is divinity.
As one of my mentors, Sean Stephenson said, “This is happening for me, not too me.”
All your life experiences are teaching you to be a rock in the sea.
And more.
“Be still and know that I am God.”
Be still and feel yourself. Snuggle up with those emotions. Let them flow. Right on through you. There is power in that. Just like the rock in the sea.
Embrace that pain that you want to push away.
You are God’s prayer and everything is here to be loved, including you.