I AM & God has a sense of humor

1) "God, I want to be loved." 2) "No God. Actually, I want to feel loved all the time." 3) "Ok, God. That's still not quite it..."

photo of my friend, Tara, taken by me, Terra, on what I mused might be the future Naked Beach, here in El Zonte

I talk to God a lot. Often without really knowing it. I talk to God when my mind wanders. I talk to God when I am frustrated or sad. I talk to God without words when I am stunned by the beauty around me.

But today was the first day I heard God laugh.

No, really.

God laughed.

I mean, not out loud for my ears to hear, but I did hear, just like I “hear” other things.

And God was laughing.

I wish I could tell you exactly how this came about and recount the joke adequately. But the sort of booming sensation of God laughing is what remains with me. The joke is gone.

That moment led to others, which I will share with you.

But I think the funny part actually began with a young, naked man.

You see, I was strolling on the beach, headed for my morning mediation-talk-to-God-and-muse-about-life-and-my-purpose time. This morning was just what I loved. It was still early, around 7am, and low tide would be at 9.

Lately, I had been wondering about Ho-oponopono. You may or may not have heard of this practice. It is a form of prayer that goes something like this:

“I’m sorry.”

“Please forgive me.”

“Thank you.”

“I love you.”

My understanding of the practice is to say these phrases in relation to people and situations you find difficult in life. It is a practice that was recommended to me in the past.

I tried it and it was hard. I just couldn’t feel a sense of relief, or love from doing it.

The difficult people felt difficult. Why would I apologize to them? They had hurt me.

I tried anyway.

Anything was worth a try and I wanted to be a forgiving, loving woman.

But I also wanted to feel a positive change in myself from doing it.

If you don’t feel yourself actually change, then why practice something?

This is one of my mottos.

There are lots of practices out there that promise personal transformation and if you aren’t feeling it, they are happy to announce that the reason is you are simply not doing it ENOUGH. Or long enough. Or with enough heart. Or with enough conviction Or whatever… Maybe you are just a loser and you are not enough?

It is never about the practice simply not working.

That is blasphemous. I imagine questioning Ho-oponopono is blasphemous and I don’t mean to be that way.

But for me back then, I got nothing profound that I remember from it.

Same with this practice:

“I AM.”

The “I AM” practice (from what I remember) involves repeating those words, as a meditation, until you feel their meaning beyond words, and find yourself in some kind of union with the divine, at which point you shift into the 5th dimension, or some “higher” frequency state above mere mortals and akin to the saint that suggested the practice.

And sure, I wanted to be saintly.

So I tried that one too.

But they were just words.

I wasn’t FEELING it.

“I AM.”

I am what?

I am not interested in seeing the world as only illusion. I am not interested in anything that says everything is only some kind of divine something and all the incredible uniqueness, messiness and beauty around me are just something I need to get over and grow beyond.

I let go of the “I AM” practice and started having chats with God and subtle beings directly instead.

It worked better for me.

But recently, I found myself triggered by a man and I could feel some fear in my body that did not come from him, but instead, came from my past.

I was aware of the source and I wasn’t blaming him for triggering it in me. Actually, I figured he was a divine gift from God that showed up so I could learn to evolve beyond this childhood place in myself and give myself whatever I needed, to feel secure and safe despite the moods of the people around me.

I started watching YouTube videos in my quest to learn more and found a new channel I liked. The guy talked about imagining space between yourself and the challenging person in your life. It was a technique to remedy some of those codependent strategies.

Of course, I had hoped I was beyond all that but no such luck. God never stops teaching me and sending me little gifts like man-versions of a Bull in a China Shop.

And when it comes to God, I try not to back down.

I man-up and find a good YouTube video to help me.

This one, in addition to that very helpful technique of seeing the difficult person “over there” with their energy and issues, also recommended a good dose of Ho-oponopono-ing.

I thought maybe I just hadn’t gotten things right somehow in the past.

Maybe this time, things would be different?

I imagined the Bull in the China shop in front of me and told him I was sorry and asked for his forgiveness.

Nothing.

So, I thought…”Well, Terra. What if you have some place in yourself that is like him?” (I was feeling angry).

So, I tried looking for a part of me that was perhaps, maybe, just a teeny-tiny bit angry. Maybe a place from the past? One of those moments I didn’t get the care and support I needed?

A scene appeared on my mental screen (“Oh, God, not THAT again”) and I gave it a shot.

I looked at the young version of me (at the time I was thirteen, sitting on a couch, while my mother had a meltdown in the next room after I shared something personal with her).

I looked at thirteen year old me on the couch and I did the thing:

“I’m sorry”

“Please forgive me”

“Thank you”

“I love you”

And you know what? Something happened. I felt it. There was an energetic movement that felt strong. Like energy pulled back into my body.

I don’t know how this works. I just know that I tried it some more with young versions of myself from the past and it seemed helpful.

So, this week, I have Ho-oponopono-ed young parts of myself and past scenes from my life that were challenging.

And I wrote a lot to God and my guides about anger.

Because I was wondering why I kept feeling it in my jaw and what it needed? It still wasn’t going away.

At one point, I took some raw cashew milk out of my fridge to add to my morning Cacao (part of my intentional heart-opening morning routine). I noticed it didn’t look quite right. I checked the date and looked at the slightly thready wisps of creamy white swirling through clear liquid in the glass bottle. Uncertain, I gave it a good shake and took a tiny sip before adding it to my morning drink.

Eeeewww. It was sour.

I was really sorry to have to throw it out, along with one other bottle I had purchased at the same time, but there was nothing for it but to do so. I certainly didn’t want my body to have to handle that in my tea!

They, meaning those trusty subtle beings I was chatting with on paper at the time, reminded me of that moment, in relation to my question regarding anger. They are a wily bunch and find the most unexpected ways to teach me.

They asked me to see if there was any way I could see that my responses to people and things I don’t like, might at times, serve me.

It was helpful they reminded me of that cashew milk.

Suddenly I could see that my disgust, or aversion, or anger regarding people and situations worked a lot like my taste buds. My reactions and my feelings and emotions were simply part of my internal compass doing its job. Maybe I didn’t need to suffer and stay in situations I didn’t enjoy (yep, learned that one in childhood and school…sound familiar?).

Maybe those pesky emotions and that tension in my jaw needed more than a simple recognition that I was angry or felt anger in my jaw? Maybe it was there not only to be noticed from a cool, calculated distance, but to also see that yes, its message had been received and I had a choice and could make adjustments. I could choose not to drink the sour milk in my tea.

Well, for me, this was something new.

I am still taking it in.

I am still learning to see my uncomfortable feelings and emotions as lovely gifts that I can use to help me decide where I want to be, who I want to talk to, and how I want to spend my time.

I am learning to take them in as information I really, really need. Just like I really benefit from noticing when a stove is hot, or there are sharp rocks on the ground that hurt my feet.

All that is to say: This is what I have explored this past week.

Now, let’s get back to God’s sense of humor.

This morning I strolled down to the beach with two towels, wearing my leopard spotted, tan-through bikini.

I wear this now as there are a lot of Dr. Jack Kruse followers down here and I have decided that currently, it makes sense to me that sun is not what I have been led to believe is dangerous and something to be avoided. Instead, I have decided it is better to bask in it, purposely. Especially in the delightful time of the early morning where I can also set my circadian rhythm by watching the sun rise (if I am motivated and lucky enough to be out that early) or at least enjoy the afterglow (as I figure the afterglow is better than nothing).

As I neared the beach, I saw the shoes of The Bull sitting in front of me on the path through the sand. Right in the middle. I felt that tiny bit of annoyance and dread arise in me, stepped around the large blue flip flops, and headed forth to enjoy my day despite my childhood triggers.

I lifted my eyes from the shoes and saw him chatting with another young male I had also found challenging, who had crossed my boundaries.

Without thinking I said, “Hello,” to The Bull as our eyes met for a moment, and continued walking. He said, “Hello,” back. I felt a kind of truce had been reached.

I didn’t say it so he would like me.

I said it because avoiding acknowledging him was a passive aggressive thing that was tiring and not serving me either.

None of that was planned. I just noticed that I had said hello and could continue on my way just fine and let the two of them talk.

The angry, and also terribly-judgmental-at-times part of me (and yes, I get that that is judgmental towards myself), laughed a bit wickedly inside as I figured it served them both right to have found one another.

Cacao is said to open the heart. But I also imagine it has some pretty badd-ass Kali, Goddess energy to it. I will blame the Cacao and say she was affecting me.

I felt quite happy to have said “hello.” It was actually a momentous thing for me as I didn’t feel afraid, or obligated, or like I was trying to be friendly. And that was new for me.

Yeah!

The water sparkled as I crossed the black sand in my bare feet.

I paused at one place and thought of you. The light was reflected on smooth green pools of water, tranquil, like lakes on top of the lava rock, filled with soft algae. I saw white, puffy clouds reflected in the black and green. Beyond, the waves crested into tiny points in the early breeze, like frosting on a cake.

The lava rock was black and contrasted so beautifully with everything.

For some strange reason, the water has been cooler lately. My friend, the local surf-God, Alex, had mentioned something to me about recent storms and ocean currents causing this anomaly. I took his words in without really understanding.

And this morning, the cool water and the mist in the air carried on the salty breeze was so refreshing.

I headed towards a tiny beach beyond the rocks towards my favorite meditation spot. One has to step into a small crevice between some lava rock to reach it. I did so and noticed I was the first one, as there were no footsteps in the sand before me.

That was when I lifted my gaze to see a naked young man, about head-height, perched on the rock in front of me, facing the rising sun.

I was rather startled by this. Although only his back was towards me, it was clear to me what lay on the other side.

This is a rather conservative-feeling country when it comes to religion. I realized recently that Cruz, who lives across the street and comes to clean my casita, always arrives in a tidy dress. I have never seen her wearing a bathing suit, even on the beach.

She and her little cloth necklace with a cross woven into a small square of fabric on a string, touch my heart.

I never feel judged by her as I stroll around in my tan-through bikini. And I feel respectful.

I thought I recognized the back that faced me. It belonged to a young man I will call, “H”, that I had met in the Bitcoin Hardware Store the day before. He was under 20 I think, and had recently left Germany for what he had said was “for good,” if I remember correctly.

I liked him and his sparkling blue eyes and he had expressed interest in joining me for a game of chess sometime, which I wish to play more frequently.

I had seen him in the distance a few days before as he had cozied into my favorite meditation spot on the beach.

But I hadn’t expected to see him like this.

I decided my recent “hello” to the Bull was not what I desired to use here, as that would involve more “looking” than I desired this early in the morning.

Don’t get me wrong.

I am fine with naked people as long as they are not pushy about it.

If people are naked and relaxed, in general, I am pretty good with it.

In fact, at times I may find certain naked-situations funny.

Such as this one:

I am with my friend, Mafer, on the beach. She is assuaging her hangover with food and drink that would cause my stomach to lurch. Raw crustaceans, hot sauce, lime juice mixed into some kind of ceviche sat in a goblet in front of her hung-over, but pleased face. She poured a beer into another goblet and mixed a few similar things that looked like tabasco sauce and red, spicy sauce from a tiny bottle into the drink and smiled across the table at me.

We had discovered that this particular beach-front restaurant had no vegetarian options for me and she assured me that after she finished eating and drinking her hang-over remedy, she was more than happy to accompany me to the fancy hotel on the cliff above that likely had something on the menu I would like to eat.

I reminded myself that Mafer is a lot younger than me, which she is. And I felt touched that this young woman with her hangover after spending a delightful and very late evening with her girlfriends, was looking forward to a morning with me.

On my end, I had a lot of energy and was ready to walk the streets of her development and look for real estate opportunities, but Mafer’s tired eyes told me this was not the day to take her walking. Besides her hangover, Mafer was busy being licked thoroughly on her neck and and between her breasts by her little chihuahua dog. Mafer appeared to be thoroughly happy.

I mentioned that if I could find a man to treat me like that dog, life would be good.

Mafer laughed and half-closed her eyes as she savored the tongue licking like the sensuous woman she is.

So, as I sat on the beach and watched with some humor as she imbibed her so-called hangover remedy, I noticed a friend of mine on the beach.

He is one of the Dr. Jack Kruse people here, healing from his EMF sensitivities. And he truly is healing. He still finds it hard to be in a car with people who have their cell phones on. It makes him feel sick.

So, he spends a lot of time on the beach.

Sometimes he makes mandalas out of the rocks he finds.

Today I waved when I saw him and he came over and said hello to us both.

Then he turned around and walked away, wearing a man-version of a tan-through swimsuit.

The thing was, I didn’t realize these suits could become see-through until that moment when I observed every detail of his butt cheeks.

I found it both sweet, and cute. He wasn’t trying to moon me.

That kind of naked, is absolutely fine with me.

It appeals to my sense of humor too, which is a bonus.

Later he texted me he had bought dog food for one of the stray dogs that had adopted him, and still later after that, that he had taken it to the vet when it was suffering from too many fights, and then even later, that he had had to pay to have it put to sleep.

You gotta love butt cheeks and people like that. There is a lot of kindness and beauty there.

Which brings me back to this morning on the beach.

I passed “H” without saying anything, went to my favorite spot that he had not chosen that morning, and started chatting with God and writing to you in my head. The writing-to-you part is quite frustrating as it happens frequently like that when I am far from my phone and computer.

Just so you know, I think I write you some brilliant things at those times. It is just…just that…well, it never gets onto the paper I need. So you and I have to both make due with what comes later. Ahhh… continuing…

Life is like that. We must just accept these things.

So, I sat in my favorite place. By now, I had closed my eyes and was deep into dialoguing with you and God, which, actually, are quite related if you are God…But let’s not go there today. At least not yet.

That is when I nearly jumped out of my skin and off my rock when I heard the words, “Hi there!”

Startled, I looked over my shoulder to see H standing in all his young glory, like a beautiful angel, smiling at me. He was wearing his shorts. He had blond, wavy hair cropped just above his shoulders and his blue eyes were framed against the early morning blue sky, with white, puffy clouds floating behind his glorious locks.

If he would have suddenly unfurled some wings, it wouldn’t have surprised me.

But he didn’t.

It seemed to me that he had stopped over to make sure I wasn’t troubled by his early morning naked sunbathing.

He started to say something about testicles and the benefits of sunlight on sperm count and fertility when I realized, I was facing one of the Dr. Kruse followers along with someone who was enthusiastic about Bitcoin and similar things to me.

I assured him all was well and also mentioned, possibly from my Matriarchal energy, that the local people here might be a tiny bit uncomfortable if they came upon him on the beach. And even though I respected him and his quest to improve his sperm count and fertility, perhaps I could suggest a more secluded beach here in El Zonte, where I had come across another young European man who went there for early morning naked swims in the sea?

He listened to my suggestion and as he left, I had the realization that I might be starting a trend towards a nude beach here in El Zonte, and did I really want that?

It was just a brief distraction and I didn’t let it take away from my meditation time. I can get serious about things and this was one of them.

I thought about my week and what I had to say to God. I realized I had mentioned a few months ago that I want to be loved.

Well, that really wasn’t good enough.

What I really wanted was to FEEL loved.

That was a much, much better thing to ask for.

Yes.

“Ok God.”

“Terra here and I am changing my request.”

“I don’t want to be loved, I want to FEEL loved.”

Like any magic spell or good prayer, the words matter and I wanted to be clear.

Meanwhile, my mind wandered, I observed the waves crashing in white foamy crescendos against the rocky cliff in the distance and visions of H and his naked back along with my friend and his see-through bathing suit floated through my awareness. I said something in my mind.

The something, I just learned today in the restaurant when my waiter pretended not to have my favorite picante sauce for my omelette, was a broma.

A broma is a joke and something I was thinking about was funny not just to me, but to God. I felt powerful ripples of energy pulsing around me and I realized, God was laughing.

I said something to God about God’s sense of humor and the words that came to me were: “takes one to know one.”

“It takes one to know one” photo Tara took of me, on a hike in El Zonte

However, God and his/her sense of humor and my mind writing stories in my head, were not going to distract me from my quest, which is to grow my soul and live some version of a meaningful life.

I had left off telling God I wanted to FEEL loved.

And as I considered that, I remembered that I am a version of God. A little prayer. And that even though the current book I am reading on Hermetic philosophy compared humans to worms on the bottom of the sea in terms of spiritual development, God had made this worm version of me and liked me just fine.

And if God made me the way I am, then technically, I am a version of God. Not GOD. Not the whole shebang. I wouldn’t be here if that was the case. I would dissolve back into it all and somehow, not lose the unique version of snowflake-me in the process.

But right now, I am far from worrying about any of that. God is way over my pay-grade and tends to make me feel faint if I get too close, so I prefer to keep my distance like a human-version of a worm at the bottom of the sea, and remember that this worm is beloved by God. This worm, is beautiful in God’s eyes.

That I AM….

And suddenly that little mantra that kicked my ass years ago made a tiny bit of sense.

I AM…

If I AM…I don’t have to feel something outside of me loving me. I don’t have to want to be loved.

I AM

Love

It is still sinking in.

I walked further down the beach and snuggled into some rocks that resembled a giant vulva where I toned some sounds that wanted to come out of me.

I sat on the sparkling, wet black sand in my tan-through bikini, all by myself amidst giant boulders and stared at the sparkling sea, and I felt the exquisite beauty of my existence and that truly, I AM, and God made me.

Then I packed up my computer, came to this restaurant, and faced a waiter who decided it was a good day to Broma me.

I guess it is.

Because for sure, God has a sense of humor.

And so do I.

Until next week…