We matter

Can you feel that? What does it actually mean? An ongoing exploration of God, love, and butterfly unfoldment...

“What disturbs, and then nourishes, has everything we need…

…Inside everyone is a great shout of joy, waiting to be born”

—David Whyte, “The Winter of Listening”

You matter… Here are some thoughts on what that means.

Two weeks ago, I sat with Alex as he guided me. “Feel your body Terra. Feel your cells. Feel how your organs and everything is working for you to be here and you don’t have to do anything. Feel how the universe wants you to be here. You matter Terra. You don’t have to do anything.”

My homework was to continue to practice feeling that.

Since then, I have sat on the beach and felt my cells and my body gifting my soul with a place here. I have sat and felt how the universe wants me here. I have tentatively touched how my life, and I, Terra, am wanted here. How I and my existence have meaning.

To feel something is much different than to read about it, or to hear it, or to believe it. To feel something is to resonate with it. Whether you are reading or listening to these words, maybe pause a moment, to feel your own body and cells supporting you. Feel your own place in the universe. Notice if you can get a tiny whiff of the perfume that is you, wafting through the world as an expression of something that is wanted here. No matter what you have done or been through. Completely independent of that.

You matter.

You really do.

It is not the easiest thing to feel and embrace.

It was over 10 years ago when I studied with Lisa Romano. I practiced looking in a mirror, into my own eyes, and telling myself I was worthy. I mattered.

Lisa’s main slogan that stands out for me is this:

“You are enough.”

That is a version of how much you and I matter.

It isn’t always easy to feel that I am enough.

Sometimes I want to change the situation in front of me. Sometimes I want to connect more deeply with people I love, and change what is in the way. I want to live in a state of connection and love.

And when I don’t feel it?

Do I matter?

Am I enough?

Sometimes I don’t know.

But this isn’t about knowing things, because that comes from the mind and you and I are much, much more than our minds. We are souls. We are an expression of God. And I truly, truly believe (and sometimes can feel…which is most important) that we, and all of this experience matters.

That doesn’t mean I understand it.

I live in my own version of a fish tank.

I cannot see the full intention of this human experience.

I know I don’t want to go to war with demonic energy. I know I am called not to judge it. And I know that this in itself, is part of my life struggle and journey.

How do I live in integrity, love myself, and accept what is? How do I live in accordance with my own version of divine law without becoming entangled in frequencies that do not feel good to me?

I am not sure.

But this practice of embracing that I matter, despite anything, feels quite important to me right now. So I have decided to write about it here, as perhaps it may be important and helpful to you too.

It is easy to feel like I messed up. It is easy to judge myself and wish to have done something differently. Often, one thing I judge is my anger.

When I was younger, my mother would leave me alone to have my tantrums. She was doing her best. I understand.

And I believe I learned at that time, that anger, my anger, doesn’t matter. In fact, it isn’t welcome.

So when it arises, I try to box it up, or change it, or fix it. And there is a fragrance that arises. A false fragrance. That whispers to me that if I am angry, or upset people, or do anything that feels like I have been taught or told is “messing up”, I don’t matter.

The remedy is to fix myself. Or to please other people.

“This is how you matter, Terra.”

That is what I have been taught.

But it isn’t true.

I matter simply because I exist and God made me. Or I am a part of God. All of that is honestly beyond my comprehension except I have had the experience of feeling that I am God’s prayer. And so how could God’s prayer not matter?

You are God’s prayer too.

So no matter what you have done or how you feel right now, how could you not matter?

I don’t care what the world has told you.

Owning that I matter is an ongoing practice for me. I am still learning. Sometimes, I am surprised by the process.

Last night, I joined my friend, Louis’s on-line breathwork offering.

I met Louis last year in Costa Rica. He is a young man in his late 20s who is on a vast, heart-centered journey to live fully and to offer his gifts.

One gift he offered to me was a hug late at night when I was struggling.

The hug said, “You matter.”

I needed the medicine.

Later, Louis offered me a private breathwork session. It was so lovely. Breathwork, when taught with compassion and gentleness, is another way I am able to enter states where I find it easier to get insight, feel things in my body, and talk to God and subtle beings that love and support me.

I know Louis’s session was powerful in Costa Rica. So I am grateful to join his on-line group now when I can.

Last night, I was recently back from a trip that challenged me deeply.

I didn’t have a clear prayer for God.

I have been busy, landing again here in my new casita in El Salvador, and also numb and overwhelmed by some of my recent experiences.

Does that make me weak?

Does that make my words poor guidance for you?

Maybe.

And maybe I am expressing the edge of things, which we all hit. These edges are growth opportunities.

I have been and am in one now.

I was trying to do some guided writing before Louis’s class started. I had less time than I like, but I did it anyway.

The words that came were helpful. I read them after my session and could see how resonant they were for me.

But the main thing I want to share with you was what happened in that time with Louis and the two other women in the group that evening.

Louis has studied a type of breathwork called Breathwave. It felt more subtle than other techniques. I followed along and wondered if I was simply relaxing for an hour. I didn’t have a prayer spelled out. I didn’t even know what to ask God exactly except I was struggling, it was the full moon, and I wanted to crawl out of my skin again.

I also was contemplating this week and my offering for you. I felt inadequate. I felt messy and nothing clear was coming to write about.

It was Tuesday night and I knew I would be crafting something Wednesday. But I wanted it to be good somehow, not just random words from a messy place from a woman in a slight state of shock wanting to crawl out of her skin.

That didn’t feel helpful.

And that was all I had last night. So I didn’t write to you then. I waited. I wrote for guidance and I breathed with Louis.

It was relaxing and soon we approached the end of our session. The music was soothing. My breath did feel like it was flowing in waves, in and out my mouth, from my pelvis up through my chest. But an altered state where God would actually do something? I wasn’t sure if the gentle technique was going to help.

But that is the thing isn’t it?

We have also been taught in so many ways that things have to be hard to have meaning or a powerful effect.

And that is simply not true.

Things can be easy if we allow them to be.

Sometimes, the most gentle work also goes the most deep. It is the way God seeps into our soul.

Trying to hammer at something often just causes the energy to tighten up, you know what I mean?

So, God is subtle and sneaky with the best of intentions.

God sneaked right into me.

Louis suggested we hold our breath at the end and I did it the way I had learned in other classes. I started with the hard way. I exhaled all my air and stopped breathing. I did that until I reached a challenging edge and realized Louis was not timing anything. This was not an experience to achieve something. Not in a regular human way.

So when things started to feel uncomfortable, I let myself breathe and I inhaled deeply. And I held my breath again.

That is when God dove in to work magic in me. God, the field of love that is not a man or a woman, or simply an energy….God who is beyond my comprehension, filled up my cells with breath, prana, love, or energy.

I felt my cells expand like tiny bubbles.

I felt full.

I felt how I mattered, despite and regardless of anything.

Recent experiences began to flow through my mind.

The time I was recently angry again and wished I wasn’t.

The times on my trip that challenged me deeply.

And it was all separate from my cells, which were full of divine energy.

Simply being me was enough. All those other things were separate in a way. Experiences really.

My cells bubbling with energy were alive and full of love.

There was enough air to breathe.

There was enough of everything for me and I had a place here.

I, the soul-frequency of me, was alive and I mattered.

It was a feeling-kind-of-thing.

My hope is that you too, can catch a felt sense of that. Maybe you already do?

I know it really hit me deeply when Alex mentioned how much people in general struggle with actually feeling that they matter.

It seems true.

It seems like the reason why that motto of Lisa’s, “You are enough,” is so powerful and resonates with so many people.

It is not easy to feel or to see sometimes, that you matter.

The world may provide different messages.

Your mind or family may tell you differently.

But that doesn’t make them true.

You matter.

You matter deeply.

I will include a link to Louis upcoming on-line breathwork class in case you want to try it out for yourself. And there are many techniques and paths. Trust yourself. Trust how you feel and where you are drawn.

Then, I am going to take a risk and a leap this week.

I am going to include a recording I made of a poem/discussion I had with God in Costa Rica and I am going to put it behind a paywall.

First, because I want to learn to allow money and energy to flow to me and through me.

Second, because it is messy.

It is vulnerable.

I have three paid subscribers and two of them don’t read this and I believe, paid me because they know and like me.

The other one I don’t know.

So it feels less risky.

Then, I realize that vulnerability and diving into topics deeply can trigger people.

I was thinking this morning about Jesus talking to God in the desert and how many people, who heard the conversation happening, might have been inclined to suggest he get some therapy. Such suggestions come, I believe, from a fear of truly feeling what one hears.

I don’t want a bunch of people offering me suggestions or therapy.

This is simply an exploration and a heart-felt, emotion-filled chat with God.

I imagine you have them too, or you might if you allow yourself to go into things that are under the surface frequencies of what we call “regular” life and dive into your own quest and journey.

So, don’t feel like you missed out if you are a free subscriber.

You have the meat of my offering.

No need to worry.

I am here for you.

And for me.

And for you, I will include what I wrote at the end of my breathwork session. Blessings dear one, on your own, unique journey:

I matter

Cells fill with light

with breath

with air

with energy

with Prana

God.

God fills me

God permeates me

and I matter

I matter when I’m angry

I matter when people mistreat me

—when they cross my boundaries

purposely

accidentally

when the world around me

shouts

you don’t exist

we don’t care

we are asleep

lost

alone

afraid

unaware

weak

or

a n g r y

All that is separate from

me

from the energy

and the light that fills up

every cell fully

I matter

simple

simplicity

I matter when I’m angry

I matter when I feel weak

or shaky

Maybe there is uncertainty?

“I matter” permeates me

When I feel, “How could this be?”

My cells vibrate

fill with energy

The truth sets me free

I matter

and

God Loves Me

I don’t have to know what

to do

what to write

where to be

I don’t have to pick apart my

past

I don’t have to figure it out

transform things

see the true reality

I don’t have to get it right

or be more pretty

And I can feel any and all those

things and they are separate

from me

I matter

filled with energy

even if I’m tired

and flat as a

pancake

I matter

That, and only that, is reality

Everything else is…

…a dream

The audio recording will come behind a paywall in a second post after this one today…It is too hard to do it here and leave everything else the way I want it, which is for free.

XO, Butterfly