I want to be quiet for a bit

There are no mistakes, only experiences

photo from my walk in the park, Christmas Day 2024, San Salvador, El Salvador

It is the day after Christmas and I know you will receive this after New Year’s.

You see, I am writing ahead.

I feel a bit tearful about that. I have a tendency to question myself and my decisions and where I feel drawn. I have good reasons for that.

A few years ago I rented a place in Costa Rica up in the mountains where I intended to finish the book I really intend to finish now in the next few months. My inner compass and inner guidance said yes to that decision.

At the time, I was back at my parents. I had sold everything and been traveling looking for where to land in the world and hadn’t found the “IT.” I have no regrets. That quest led to my younger son joining me for two months of travel and that time with him means more to me than I can express.

I wasn’t and hadn’t been making mistakes.

But back at my parents, in the midst of the family field for months, with no idea of where to go, I was starting to fall apart a bit.

That’s when I called a friend in tears, and soon after had booked this little place I expected to be somewhat like the tiny place I found in Ireland near the ocean that I didn’t rent. A place perfect to take a breath.

I got there and found it didn’t feel as I expected. I called another friend in tears again and almost left. But I didn’t. And in the end I didn’t finish my book at that time. I don’t believe I was ready yet.

Instead, after a few weeks, I found my way to Awake.cr where I spent four months immersed in many things that were transformational for me. I found a second home in some respects.

So none of that was a mistake.

A few days ago I had breakfast with my friend, Sitara, who I still have a tendency to call Bridgett in my head, which was her name when we first met in Sedona and our kids were in a Montessori Charter school together. That was many years ago and every few years our paths cross and we touch in. I was divorced and she became divorced as well. Both our ex-husbands passed away unexpectedly. She is from South Africa and is a transpersonal psychologist and a fan of yoga, but not the kind people practice in general. A different kind of yoga that involves energy and lots of meditation. She texted me she would be in El Salvador for a week which led to us meeting here for breakfast at Soya.

She spoke of a few months in silent meditation retreat and also of days she spent in the dark while people brought her food. Another friend met me the same day, had been to the same place in Mexico, and spoke of the same thing.

I think they both sat in darkness for five days.

I have become a sun worshiper here. I get up to see him rise. I try to watch him set. I soak in the light and worship the moon as well and her gentle coolness.

A few days before Christmas they were in the sky together in the early morning and I stood between, feeling grateful for all of it.

I learned in El Salvador, people celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. That is because they know Christ is Coming and they are super excited. The fireworks started to errupt around the the city soon after dark.

I went to bed at 10 pm and a little before midnight woke up again. The neighbor next door was shooting off huge fireworks about every ten minutes and as the moment of Christmas day approached, he went all in.

I felt it all to be astonishing and sweet. On Christmas day, they all head to the beach to rest. I can see why.

I filmed it and sent the videos as a Merry Christmas wish to some friends and then went back to bed.

Christmas morning I got an email from my sister, who was preparing to host four very elderly sometimes child like adults. She had ordered special silverware when they got grouchy about using hers and she realized it had to do with their arthritis. She emailed that they all needed hearing aids, she said six, and that between the four of them there would only be two…she had to cut the meat for one of them and the turkey she left at another elderly friends house in a fridge wasn’t going to be brined because she couldn’t get to it. The lady went to bed at 8pm.

“What was I doing for Christmas?” she asked. At least, I think she wished me a happy Christmas and apologized for her email, which actually left me quite content as I snuggled in bed and contemplated the Christmas I had planned. Which consisted of the last day of my juice cleanse and taking an uber for a long wander through trails in Bicentenario Park in the city center.

My Christmas is a walk in the park I laughed to myself. And I emailed her back. She is a trooper, my sister. Some of them had bladder issues as well and I won’t go there.

Later that day, Sitara aka Bridgett, sent me a text. Would I enjoy attending her meditation retreat for New Years Eve?

And suddenly, I found myself considering it.

I have written about my recent lessons in the Magadaline Mansion. Awake.cr is having a lovely New Years event and I had considered going to it. But it will be highly energetic this year, with lots of bands, and they had no rooms.

So, I planned to stay here in the Mansion. To keep working on the book that at times slows down for me as I struggle through the way I used to write, the way I used to see things, and try to craft it into some sense from my perspective now. Sometimes we tussle in the mud together a bit, these chapters and I.

A ten day silent meditation retreat?

I looked at my calendar and saw it overlapped with a Max and Stacy Bitcoin Event I am attending. I would have to miss the last day.

I texted Sitara/Bridgett again.

No problem she said.

So after returning from the park, and assuring myself that my inner compass continued to give me a strong “yes” to the whole thing, I went on line and found a ticket. One of those easy tickets where I don’t have to get up tooooo eaarly to catch the flight and I get home early enough to unpack.

But I would be going to a Bitcoin event the very next day, at a resort, with alcohol drinking, giant steak eating golfers after spending 10, ok….less than 10 as I wouldn’t stay to the end….days in the mountains at a silent meditation retreat, in the deluxe room which had its own composting toilet, eating vegan food (which if it doesn’t include enough protein and fat, can leave me feeling hungry).

Was that really going to work for me?

Silent retreat, to tan through bikini with the Bitcoiners.

Oh GOD! I started questioning my compass again.

I would miss out on days of editing which would set me back by about 10-20 chapters.

Now, since I am self publishing, no one is holding a deadline over my head and I am quite serious when I decide to accomplish something. I don’t need the club over my head. I am happy to put one there for myself.

Then there would be two Thursdays I wanted to send you a post, and how was I going to accomplish that whilst sitting in silent meditation? My last post took me an entire day to write.

“That is just not going to work at all,” said my head.

Finally, there was the retreat center. All of this was flowing with quite a bit of ease. There were people arriving at the same time I could share the four hour taxi ride with, which is both long and costly.

And I was ready to hit the button to purchase the only private room they had left (which feels quite important). But I sent a text and asked if I could get a discount since I was leaving their all inclusive venue a day and a half early.

She continued to respond to my other questions and not that one.

She sent me a taxi I could contact for the drive back to the airport.

She told me I could stop at Uvita on the way and it would add an hour to the trip.

I asked about the discount again and she said nothing.

The third time I asked she said she was waiting for a response from management. Which was probably true. But by now I was annoyed she didn’t just tell me that. Or tell me simply, “No.” I really just wanted a responsive person to answer my question and at times, people seem to struggle with this.

For instance, I am back in the Magdeline Mansion after my traumatic exit and the two men who I was told would have left are still here until Friday. I didn’t find out until I texted and asked what was going on?

This morning I realized some people are afraid that people will get mad and that scares them. So they avoid responses that may make people upset.

That makes them sweet and at times, challenging to communicate with.

I decided I would just go to bed and it was irritating me enough that I was considering cancelling my plans. I mean, it would be a four hour taxi ride each way, vegan food that might leave me hungry, a composting toilet (and I haven’t gotten comfortable with them yet no matter how much some of my friends rave about them with a crazed look in their eyes as the tell me vehemently that they are highly necessary to save the planet).

I was in the 24 hour window with that ticket. Maybe I would just cancel it?

Of course…the whole time, my inner compass kept saying yes to going.

And the thing is, it is always correct. So far, at least. That doesn’t mean I won’t continue to question it.

Because that retreat cabin in the mountains of Costa Rica wasn’t at all what I expected and it was dang hard for a few weeks until it led me to Awake.

And coming up to the mansion was the same. I have no regrets. I think it was time for me to move to a new place and immerse myself in some different energy as I complete this book. But geeze, the transition again, wasn’t what I expected and this has been less of an oasis than it sometimes appears.

So, I wondered what it might have up its sleeve this time?

With cup of cacao in hand and my morning microdose under my belt, I pulled out my journal to write for some guidance.

This too, like my compass, doesn’t tend to lead me astray and I only listen to subtle beings that don’t actually tell me what to do. They seem wiser.

Dear One, we are glad you are here in communion with us this holiday season for it is an energetically transformational time on the planet. We wish to draw your attention to this. You wonder about the many events and foresee this trip as challenging. And it may be so my darling. Yet something called you to say yes. What was that something? Take a moment my Darling Child to pause here and feel it.

So I did.

I feel like I want to go to be quiet. I want to be quiet. To pause for a bit. I don’t know if it will be what I expect or if it will be worth all the time & effort and it sounds so very nice to have a little pause and to be quiet. Just to be quiet. There is so much pain I see. And anxiety. In my friend. In my family.

Their response:

That’s then your answer Dearest. And you knew it all along. We simply facilitated it. We love you my Darling. There are no mistakes only experiences. (emphases added by me)

So, now I have written one post to you I will schedule to go out while I am gone, hopefully in a state of bliss and not too hungry.

And I imagine I will write another as well and all of this doesn’t have to be as hard as my mind and psyche sometimes like to make it. Because today, it is only 8:09AM.

Dorothy, clicking her heels together after learning she had the answer the whole time…signing off again.

Remember my friends: There are no mistakes only experiences. And New Years is not just about January 1st now is it?

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