Is it fun for you?
a key question when embarking on the New Year and various resolutions
I was thinking of that question this morning and how key I find it as a rudder to steer my ship in life.
I imagine what most people would say or think: “Well Terra, you know, life is not just about fun. Sometimes we have to work for things.”
And then my response: “And why can’t work be fun?”
Sometimes I have done and do hard things. Things I imagine most people would not consider fun. Things like taking an ice bath. Why take an ice bath? How can that be “fun”?
Or the past thirteen years I have spent diving into the study of what it means to fully live as a human such as workshops on trauma and recovery, communication practices, attachment styles, and intergenerational patterns that are passed down…both the good and the so-called “bad.”
Has that been fun?
I remember playing tennis with my boyfriend’s mom in high school. I was never on any team at school, but I wouldn’t miss an opportunity to play with her despite losing every. single. time. She had a way of saying things to me that felt like nourishment for my soul while she gave me a lesson and a workout at the same time.
Or the cute guy I played chess with who lived next door to my Grandma who also beat me every. single. time. I loved trying to win. One of those memories that has stayed with me for life is the time I had only a king left and managed to get a stalemate.
Was that fun?
And I have to say, “Yes. Yes. All those things have been fun. At times they have been excruciating. At times they have been highly disturbing. At times I have felt like my ship had absolutely no rudder at all and that I was dang alone in the world and couldn’t figure out at all why I was here. And it was fun. It was fun to explore things, to work through things, and to grow from things.
“Fun” is not always what we have been taught.
I imagine most people think of fun as drinking a lot of wine, or going on a vacation to lie on a beach somewhere and escape from what we humans like to call: “The Rat Race.”
That says a lot doesn’t it?
Do you want your life to be about how you can win a race against a lot of other rats?
And need I remind you that rats are surprisingly smart?
I still find it hard to find them cute because of the tails.
But they are smart from what I have been told despite being despised by many.
They have been blamed for The Plague back in the day…but it wasn’t the rats, it was the fleas, and the fleas were more of a problem because they traveled on ships sailed by people…and…and…and…
I think you see where I am going with this.
Maybe.
Who would want to race a bunch of rats even if one knows they are simply coated in a lot of people’s projections of distain?
The question remains. Would I want to race them (no)? Would I want a job that involves competing with a lot of people to simply survive long enough without being eaten so I can repeat the same thing the next day (no again)? Plus there are the fleas…
All this has come to me for a couple of reasons.
Reason #1: You did not get a weekly post from me a few days ago on Thursday. (Or Thursday for me, as I send them to you every week at 9am on a Thursday…But the time and day correspond to where I am in the world and where I am is currently in a constant state of flux. But they have been sent consistently now for almost two years. Maybe it has already been two years? I am not sure and I know I was close to that milestone. Partly because Substack sends me a weekly email congratulating me on my consistency. Substack likes to tell me that when it comes to consistency, I am, or was, in the top 1% of writers on their platform.
I was enjoying those emails and also bothered by them. Partly because there was a week now and then when I wasn’t so sure I had anything valuable to say, or I had a lot of things on my plate and writing felt more forced than fluid. But I knew that if I didn’t write anything, I wouldn’t get that email…
And that thought bothered me as I did not come here to write to be rewarded by algorithmic praise. In fact, years ago, as a new teacher, I read a book called Punished by Rewards. I wholeheartedly agreed with it. I wasn’t about to bribe my class of young six year olds with charts on the wall showing their behavioral status to everyone in the classroom. I also cringed at sugar-laden cupcakes young mothers wished to douse the young minds with during lunch breaks.
In third grade, I did have a teacher with a puppet called Mr. Smiley who gave out candy sometimes, and the memory is a good one. But I think it was more about the teacher who cared about me and made me laugh and the friendly puppet than the candy.
So those Substack emails have started to feel like a little thorn in the sole of my Earthrunner sandal. The over achiever in me has a slight addiction to them while the rest of me is annoyed by my sense of outsourcing my personal sovereignty and ignoring my inner compass for an algorithmic pat on the back.
All that changed the week before Christmas. I am currently in Australia where I have flitted to after a couple weeks in Cambodia. A new friend invited me and suggested I could regroup a bit, do some writing, and join her and her family for Christmas. It was a pretty easy decision to say yes. My ship was happy to dock for a bit.
Now in Brisbane, I decided to write my weekly post early as I wasn’t so sure how much time I would have to write at her parent’s house over Christmas. It was fun to put it together as I did have something to say and enjoyed crafting it and adding photos. Then I went ahead to schedule it…I always have to change the automatic settings (such as: “for paid subscribers only”). My intention has almost always been to put things out for everyone.
But, I was too quick and instead of also checking the box to “schedule” when you would receive it, I clicked the box that said “send.”
“Whoosh” said my computer.
“Oh no!” I gasped. (It was Friday and I had just sent my weekly post the day before). Now everyone was getting two posts in one week. And that is not what I do. What I do has been to be very, very consistent…once a week.
I couldn’t unsend it. But I decided to go ahead and put a note at the top explaining myself and send it again, on Thursday the following week which is what I meant to do in the first place. But Thursday came and I realized it never went out. The Substack Algorithm didn’t send it. Maybe it would have if I had changed the title and repurposed it?… But I didn’t want to do that.
So now I have gotten an email from them telling me that I have two days left to keep up my consistent record.
Which has got me thinking more deeply about all of this.
It really comes down to one important thing. Do I want to steer my own ship, or do I want to listen to some company, program, or source outside myself with its own agenda that has nothing to do with my well being and everything to do with their bottom line.
And even though a people pleasing part of me that seeks validation enjoys hearing what a great job I am doing…and how pleased they are with my ship-steering…and how if I just keep listening to them I will be just fine…and tells me to just be consistent for one more week… The sovereign part of me has started to object.
I know you get it.
So I decided to let it go.
There was something about it all that was taking away my fun. And in the end, how I steer my ship is up to me, thank you very much. I choose to steer my own ship.
Of course there are other things. Things I have been reading about Substack that makes me question if it is the same platform it was when I came here (thank you again Christopher Cook, for the post on the topic linked above). Things that have made me toy a bit with the idea of starting to teach myself more about Nostr (a technology that supports freedom of speech and communication among other things) and perhaps shift towards what I feel more aligned with.
But for now it is still working for me.
For now.
Because Substack no longer has phone support either. And that is something I deeply value and not just for myself. I value it for you. Some of you do pay for this and I want you to be able to call someone and get help if you have an issue with your account.
Phone support feels to me like care and connection. It matters to me a lot. Life is more fun when I can call for help and get an actual human being.
That is the first small thing that got me thinking about Fun, which I have stretched into a LOT of words. But the main and hugely important point of it all, is that I don’t mind writing and struggling with things at times. Art is like that. Life is like that. I imagine the caterpillar puts some effort out eating all those leaves and going through the process of becoming a butterfly. Things can be hard, and fun at the same time.
But my fun was starting to deflate as I realized I was beginning to feel manipulated and more like an object than a valued human being offering something creative.
So I let Thursday go by and didn’t send a thing. I could have and it would have been easy. I could have sent a photo, or a short audio clip about something. But I didn’t. Instead, I stood up for what I am calling Fun. I stood up for independence and for my inner compass.
When you get this, it will be the New Year. It is a time many people make resolutions and soon after, quit.
But you don’t have to make a resolution and quit. Not if you take the rudder of your ship and decide you are going to steer it your way, in your own time, as you see fit.
It doesn’t mean you won’t go through a storm or two, or that the weather will always be good. But the challenge of that can be fun as well if you manage to frame it as such while you are bailing out water and praying to God for support (which also matters and is a whole different level of “fun”).
Fun, like so many things I have been taught, is not at all what I was led to believe.
Fun is what makes me feel more alive, more connected, and sometimes, helps me liquify even when it is painful as shit.
Sometimes it is fun to try new things and mess up, or learn I don’t like them, or do something I wish I didn’t. It becomes fun when I learn to love myself through and despite it.
Sometimes, grumpiness is fun when at times, my own grumpiness amuses me a bit.
Now we come to the second thing that got me thinking about the topic of this post.
Recently, I have been noticing tension in my jaw.
I have been noticing this for many, many years now and wondered about it quite a bit. I have had it myofascially released. I have told shamanic practitioners about it in case they or their spirit animal could help me out. I have massaged it. I have asked myself why it is there (when I see no reason to be upset)? I have struggled with it, fought it, and wondered about it.
Recently, I decided it was time to get to the bottom of the situation.
So I started paying a lot of attention and doing some experiments.
Maybe there was a young part of me that was activated about something? Maybe I could try loving that part? (Tried it)
Maybe I could ask for help and simply release it (I tried making an energy disk to clear it and said a prayer more than once)?
Maybe it was about something Unconscious, and if it was Unconscious I wasn’t going to be able to see it or find it. (Note: I decided to leave “Unconscious” with a capital “U” simply because doing so makes me happy).
Maybe I would try another practitioner once again and see if they could sense anything and offer any wisdom (I made an appointment with someone named Sarita-Sol who has a retreat coming up I was considering. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to see how we worked together before making a commitment).
Now, all that may sound like a pain in the ass. It may sound like I need to be in a Rat Race somewhere so I don’t have so much time on my hands and would stop overthinking things.
Or it may sound like what it actually is, underneath the tension in my jaw and the inner resistance to something.
And what all that actually is is Fun, at least for me.
Because that is the process of inner transformation which I am whole heartedly here for.
I am not going to quit.
When something is fun, in a soul and life-enhancing way, there is no reason to quit.
As I made the tension in my jaw a little project for myself, I noticed I felt it sometimes when people around me were upset.
Some of the Aussies are pretty expressive. They honk at other cars and swerve a bit. They say things they believe to be true and obvious to everyone, such as things regarding American politics, or simply make jokes that have a bit of an edge.
My jaw responds to all of it.
So now, I am wondering if the tension is a bit more complex than I imagined at first?Maybe sometimes, it is simply a reaction to my environment because the truth is, like it or not, I am sensitive to it.
If someone is sad, or happy, or confused, I feel it.
If I am in a peaceful forest with birds singing, I often feel peaceful.
If a little dog trots by wagging its tail, I get happy tingles in my body.
And if I am around tense people who are feeling divisive or unhappy with the state of the world and strongly expressing their views about it? Well, I start to feel tense.
Exploring things in this way for me is what “Fun” can look like.
Currently, I do a four minute exercise video in the morning. It makes me smile every time. It is just enough and never gets to the “Burn” phase. I am smiling and giggling at the end. I do this as I have decided it is good for my longevity and my body but mostly I do it because it is exceedingly fun and makes me feel good.
Then I do a half hour practice of spinal activation, breathwork, and meditation that I learned at the Hariharalayla retreat center. When the founder, Jo-el, mentioned that such practices are like brushing your teeth and an energetic cleanse first thing in the morning is a good idea, I became interested.
He suggested everyone try it for 100 days.
I am doing that.
And if I miss a day for some reason, I will keep going anyway because it isn’t about an external goal. It is about how I feel.
As long as it feels interesting and useful, I am going to keep doing it. And I am not going to quit if I miss a day for some reason…such as traveling for many hours and not wanting to do alternate nostril breathing in an airport in Singapore.
When I find something I like better, or it feels like time for something different, I will do that.
Eat what makes your body feel good. Try things that enhance your life, even if they are hard, and don’t be afraid to switch things up.
I think Fun is a huge key to life.
In the midst of all the strife around us at this time, and all the uncertainty, we still can take the rudder of our own ship and steer it, no matter where we are.
I am reading posts from Keonne Rodriguez, one of the founders of Samourai Wallet who was recently imprisoned. You can read about the situation here.
It can’t be “fun” to be in prison, and especially to be sent there right before Christmas. And no matter what happens, no matter where you or I are, we have an inner rudder that can’t be taken away. And we can hold tight to it and steer our ship, the best we can, in every moment.
We can cry out and yell at God, or scream in wild abandon. And we can have fun doing it, even when we feel terrible.
Or we can melt into a heap and let go of the rudder and just quit.
But there is no fun in that now is there?
So I wish you a happy new year and that you love yourself the best you can, through thick and thin and that you wave from your ship at any rats you see, or hamsters running in a wheel doing their best and blow them a kiss.
Let’s get serious about our fun. Let’s do what feels in integrity. Let’s love ourselves no matter what and after that, let’s treat our hearts like they matter, and ourselves like we matter too.
If you want to get more exercise because you think it will feel good, why not find something to do that you enjoy? Then you will do it longer. Then it will make you happy to head for that walk, or the gym, or the dance class.
My chi gong teacher Beverly used to say, “if it’s not fun, it’s not worth doing.” Then we would dive into some intense work together. And dang, it was fun even when it wasn’t easy.
She told me that if she felt like wearing a mini skirt, she would. She didn’t care if most people wouldn’t do that in their 60s. If it made her happy and gave her joy, she was all in.
Every year she headed out to backpack alone through the mountains of Colorado while her husband waited for her in the campground. She did this naked.
She worked in her garden. Naked.
Beverly often made me laugh.
I imagine she couldn’t care less what any algorithm said.
So I am going to tell the part of me that loves some praise that we are doing just fine. That I want her to be free and that she matters more than anything to me. I am going to tell her to keep going and doing what she is passionate about. That life is worth living full-on as best she can, even when it isn’t easy.
Meanwhile, I am going to explore and enjoy this short adventure in Australia. I will post some photos which likely make Fun look like something that never involves challenge or struggle which isn’t always the case. But that’s ok. It’s not up to me how people see or interpret anything I post.
May we all lean into doing things that feel aligned with our souls and hearts. May we find humor in the most unexpected things.
—from a Butterfly who refuses to post every Thursday at 9am for any dang algorithm, and wants to keep staying consistent generally for now as it makes her happy.
—and with deep gratitude to my new friend who is hosting me in Australia, and gratitude for the warm welcome I have experienced in this county and all those who have invited me to sit with them and share a coffee or a Christmas dinner
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“From a Butterfly who refuses to post every Thursday at 9am for any dang algorithm” = standing ovation. 😂 Fun as “what makes me feel more alive” is the kind of resolution I can get behind.