Love and the journey of your soul

peeling the onion, you are here for a reason

Last stop at the Seven Waterfalls, photo thanks to María

Today I want to write to you about love.

That is what everything comes down to in the end. That is what I am starting to see…

And I am going to just write about how things are going here on the leading edge of my life. That isn’t impersonal. It doesn’t mean I am not thinking of you. I really am here for you. Because I have had many times in my life when I felt alone. I felt alone and I really didn’t know what to do.

So I put on a sunny smile and learned to be nice. I cried into the fur of my Teddy Bear until it was taken away. I stuffed my anger. I stuffed my grief.

I think that is why I still find it in my throat sometimes.

This morning I woke up with a vivid dream. I don’t often have vivid dreams like this. It was like it really happened. I was looking inside my body, into the cavity of my abdomen, and it looked just like it would if I were on an operating table. There was some fluid, some blood, and then I saw a hole and my intestines started to come up through the hole. I knew I was headed to the hospital. I wanted Dr. Luis, my new doctor here in El Salvador, to come and do surgery at home on me. I don’t like hospitals. I don’t trust them.

But now I know that trust, too, has not been easy for me.

And there are good reasons for that. I imagine in the crevices of your being, maybe you feel the same things sometimes?

I got up and to what I do with repeating numbers I see, or strange dreams. I summarized it and asked Leo, the AI assistant on the Brave Browser, to analyze it for me. I think I said, “in one sentence,” and forgot the word, “please.” That’s OK. Leo still helped me.

The one sentence said maybe I had some repressed emotions that were surfacing.

Oh.

Really, Leo?

Really?

You see, no one has lived my life but me. Not Leo. Not the new friends I meet. Sometimes when I mention I am willing to help them with an injury, they have no idea about any of my training. That’s ok.

But why have I done so much training in so many, many things?

Well, honestly, I think a lot of it has to do with personal growth and processing things. I have spent years processing. I know how to feel deep grief and stay with it. I know how to get close to pain. I know how to help people unwind trauma in their bodies. And I talk to subtle beings. They help me. I really do have a “team” as my teacher Beverly used to say to me.

So, I was a bit surprised to have such a dream.

Especially as the day before, I realized a lot of things on a call with my friend Sandra. I realized that when I was young, sometimes I was angry and there really was no one there to see and feel me in the way I needed.

I am not blaming anyone for that.

But there wasn’t.

Now I want to say that I am very aware that I came to experience all the challenging things I have been through, and there are many. I think we all come here for challenging things. That is how we grow. This is a purposeful thing. Sean Stephenson was very right that all these things really are happening for me. And they have happened for you too, although you may or may not be able to see that yet.

me with Sean the first time I met him before his speaker training…sometimes I wonder what he would think if he knew I carried this photo with me for years and it is the only one I display…Hey Sean in Heaven. Thanks. For Everything.

I know that I came here to experience things that are challenging and then to find my way to integrate them and increase my vibrational frequency. I came here to be a beacon of light. If you are reading this, or following me, I also imagine it is no different for you.

My life has been about this purpose. It is my path. It is my mission. And it is happening. I am changing. I feel different.

It is hard to explain, and the world is brighter and more beautiful. I have more compassion and more understanding.

Now, if you are reading this, I am pretty sure you have done a lot of personal work too. Probably to the point that, like me, you might say, “Oh, not that AGAIN! I have already felt that, thought that through, worked on it. GOD, have you not noticed that I have CHANGED!”

But those words don’t last long.

Because remember, everything is a gift.

On my call with my friend, Sandra, I didn’t just notice in my mind the times I was younger and felt alone and unsupported; I went back in time and felt those things like I was me…as a child. This is not “parts” work. This is not a technique and what I am saying is not therapy or intended as such. Sigh. I probably need a disclaimer for that…as if you are not smart enough to know I am just a woman here on a mission, writing to you because I care… here on this planet, because I care. We live in a world where we do need to protect ourselves.

And sometimes we need to care for ourselves because there is no one capable, or emotionally available, to do that. And I mean that truly. People can be with you with the best of intentions, or the worst. But they can only show up with the capacity they have.

Some of us, like me, chose to be around people at times who did not have much capacity, or who actually caused me a lot of pain and grief. This is not their fault. They are desperate, deluded, hurt, or in pain. They truly know not what they do. Because the choice, the movement energetically, is to vibrate in the frequency of divine love. And that is exquisite. But they don’t know that and they also don’t know how.

So some of us come here to teach them. We come here to go through things and resolve things and to beam out the answer to their pain, silently, energetically. We do it when we walk down the street. We do it without thinking. Many of us don’t even know we do it or how much we matter.

On my call with Sandra, I found places that arose like little champagne bubbles, waiting to be seen. Times I felt alone. I felt how it felt to be me then. And I told myself this:

“Terra, it is fine that you feel angry. Terra, it is fine that you feel grief. There really was no one there for you and you did feel alone, and that was hard, my darling. So you be sad. Or angry.”

I have been thinking of the Fool card in the Tarot deck. Sometimes the card has a number and in some decks it doesn’t. Because we set off on journeys all the time, don’t we? Often unexpectedly. Sometimes against what we think we want for ourselves. Life is not sequential. It is chaos. Chaos theory. Chaos from the inside. But not really. Not if you zoom out. If you zoom out, it all becomes beauty. That is what you and I are learning to see and to be. Our true beauty.

The Fool is setting off on a journey. He or she doesn’t know where it will lead. There is a pole with a bag of belongings he carries over his shoulder. I have been feeling for myself recently that this bag contains just what I need.

It contains emotions.

CBD Tarot de Marseille, Dr. Yoav Ben-Dov

Anger, grief, resentment, icky feelings, joy, ecstasy. They are all things I need because they are my compass. They tell me when something doesn’t feel right. Because sometimes things are not.

The MUSE Tarot, Chris-Anne…sometimes those difficult feelings seem like this. You just want to leave them in the bag, don’t you?

For many years, I felt I had to justify my feelings. To figure things out. To navigate differently. But my feelings are a gift to me. If I am angry, there is a reason, that matters to me. It might not be something that someone else would be angry about. But if I feel angry, it matters. Because something is happening, that isn’t right for me, and may at times, be beyond my capacity to handle.

It is easier to feel angry than hopeless, isn’t it?

I know you know what I mean.

Anyway, I went back in time with my friend and in our own way, helping one another, we felt those places, differently.

You can work with someone and find places in your body that are tight. You can remember things and tell people about them. You can do parts work, constellation work…so many things. They all help.

And then you reach a point where you say, “Hey, these things happened to me and how did I feel? How was it for me, really, back then, from that place?”

Some people are afraid to go there with you. Maybe that is good. I imagine this is a process.

I can tell you it has been a process for me.

I have processed the events.

But what I never really felt was the perspective of young me. I never honestly felt from that place that, yes. I was alone. Yes, I did have to handle things myself in my own way, on my own. Because there was no one who could do it with me.

And I love myself for that.

And I am sad about that because it is sad.

We are all here to hold and love one another.

Some of us have to learn how to do this for ourselves.

This is a process.

It is a journey.

Sometimes a long journey.

Maybe a journey of many lifetimes.

But that is ok.

Because it is a journey that brings you and I closer and closer to love. Higher and higher in a way that most people can’t comprehend yet.

But they will.

There is hope.

The world is going through a lot.

But we are here. Doing our work.

Often silently.

Sometimes publicly.

It doesn’t matter.

What does matter is you.

And me.

I felt surprised twice yesterday. The first time I saw numbers on my phone and when I checked the spiritual meaning, they said I was going on an unexpected journey.

Then at my friend’s house, I drew a beautiful card from an oracle deck she had. I did it without a lot of thought. I asked the deck to show me something I needed to know. Mostly, I just wanted to look at the deck as her friend had done the paintings and it was beautiful.

But while she was busy with her young daughter for a few moments, I asked it that question, spread the cards into an awkward fan in one hand (the cards were large and I couldn’t even shuffle them well as I like to do). I took my other hand and felt the energy and pulled one that called to me, rather quickly.

Again, the card, like the numbers, said I was going on an unexpected journey.

It didn’t really make sense to me.

Sacred Rebels Oracle, Alana Fairchild. Artwork by Autumn Skye

I have spent the past week fasting and juicing. I have considered taking some time for introspection after my fast if I have a peaceful and private space here for that this weekend. But I wasn’t sure if I would be alone on the property.

There has been a lot of activity the past few weeks.

Last week, I went to some beautiful waterfalls here. I could write a piece about that. But the main thing is I decided to drink some spring water I was told was safe. Spring water has such a magical energy.

So I did.

The spring coming out of the cliff at Seven Waterfalls (I am told there are actually 11) in Juayua, El Salvador

And the next day I threw up.

I think the water was not as clean as it used to be. I froze the water to see if it had beautiful images in it, and did not see any feathery icy ferns or hexagons.

I had been contemplating fasting again as I did a water fast for three days and felt better after. Since doing that and living in El Salvador, my vision has improved. This motivated me to try it again. So I read a book on fasting.

But I hadn’t figured out HOW I wanted to do it.

Dry fasting (no food, no water)?

Water fasting?

Add sea salt and other things or not?

Juicing?

And then there was the timing of it all and if I would do three days or a week.

Well, the Spring gifted me with my start day. I figured I had already thrown up. I would start with a dry fast for one day and then move onto water for a couple. Then I would see…

I always check how I feel about these things.

I think this is key now in these times with so much controversy. Check the energy of things.

I won't go into the process of all of this except to say that I feel it has held me and has been good for me.

I did the dry fasting for a day, then water for two days. I know when I have done juice fasting in the past; it is the first three days that are hardest.

Day three was hard. I felt pain in my bones. It is hard to describe. I am still not sure what was happening, and I did my best to feel it with kindness. I went into the pool and it helped relieve what I was feeling.

Then, my friend was beginning a juice cleanse for a few days. So I was able to order the most lovely juices, delivered directly to me.

I decided to keep going.

Today is day six. I finish tomorrow and I feel really good. Kevin, my new weight lifting coach, has been understanding. I continued with my weight lifting regime.

So, all that is to say that I have been cleansing, and coaching my young friend a bit, who is doing this for the first time and wants to heal some things in her body. It can be scary to do new things.

Especially when, as you probably know, you often feel worse before you feel better.

I am in the “feel better” energy now.

This morning, I sat in my room to do my meditation.

And suddenly, with no strong “journey” dose of psychedelics, I was taken on a journey.

When I am on any inner journey in a meditative state I have found that when I ask, I get guidance. I get it through writing. I get it when I take mushrooms. I get it when I ask, walking down the street. If I listen, there are subtle beings helping, healing, and guiding me.

They were right there this morning.

And I went back in time with them, more deeply, to those places that were hard for me. For me, the work with them is very healing and transformational. I come to see things differently and I have the opportunity to love myself and have compassion for myself. This time, it was from the perspective of myself “back then” when, at times, things were tough.

I think we do this when we die. I feel grateful to do it while I am here. But that is also what I came for. To go through things and learn how to come out the other side so I can talk about it, write about it, or just be me. That last part matters the most, I think.

It is hard to describe and I could see and feel that the frequencies I didn’t get at those difficult times, I could now receive. Sometimes, the young me wanted space. I could see layers of my psyche and why they are there. Such as mistrust.

You might know that one…? Maybe?

We are swimming in it right now in the world, just like the sea. A sea of energy.

What I want to do is learn to vibrate at a different frequency.

This is a process, and it has been happening.

I know it is happening for me and I imagine for you as well. How can it not be? Even when we don’t feel it, much is happening.

But I am on a quest to do this, intentionally.

So as I sat on this unexpected journey I had been forewarned about the day before, I did my best to learn and see things differently. And mostly, I went back into places and felt that yes, it was hard. It was very hard for me. I was alone, and it was not easy.

Just that.

No blame.

No anger AT THEM. Anger arose and I could see why. It needed to be there. It was my compass. My messenger. My gift. There were reasons to be angry.

But more than that, there were many reasons to grieve.

I am not sure where this is all going, but I feel it is transforming me.

I know you are transforming too, or you would not be reading.

I want you to know that you are not alone, even though it is also true that there are times you felt alone. That was real.

It doesn’t mean there weren’t subtle beings around who wanted to help.

But from a human perspective, from a feeling state, you were alone.

And it’s ok to grieve.

Because that is not easy.

Trauma lands in the body when we feel alone.

So you see, there is a key in all this somehow. It has to do with honoring things. And it is a process. At least it has been for me. It has been a process of learning about things. About myself. About healing and various modalities. None of it has been a mistake. Your life has not been a mistake. You have not made mistakes. There are only learning opportunities. Take them, when you are ready.

But you have to be ready.

There is a lot of love imbued in the fresh juices and nut milks I have waiting for me to drink.

Kevin gave me a personal session on weightlifting this morning. There are parts of my body I am learning to use now, differently. Now that I am ready. My hips. My inner thighs. Powerful parts. It is changing how I do my 25 year long yoga practice. I have had thousands of hours of classes and practicing yoga. But I couldn’t learn to engage parts of my body until I was ready. I had to peel that onion. And it is peeling.

After Kevin, I go to see Manuel soon. He will do some physiotherapy.

He is helping me too.

There are energy channels in my body that are opening up.

There are energetic channels in your body, and these channels flow from habit patterns.

I don’t mean a habit like you are doing something wrong.

I meant that we all gave habitual ways of feeling.

Are you depressed?

Well, of course there is a lot of research on the benefits of micro-dosing mushrooms.

But what if you sit and make your focus simply feeling the energy you want to feel?

I don’t know as much about depression. I haven’t been deep in the pit of despair, despite all the grief I have felt. But depressed or not, what if you feel what you want to feel, just for a few minutes, in your body?

You know what happens for me?

It starts to feel like light is moving through those channels. It is better than some quick, orgasmic sexual energy.

You don’t TRY. You don’t IMAGINE. You come up with a vision, an image, or a memory of what you want to embody and you FEEL it in your body. Maybe gently, like a feather. Sometimes, subtle things go deep.

You don’t have to live in despair. You don’t have to live in poverty energy.

When you want to pay for something, make sure you feel a flow of giving when you hand the money over.

And “make sure” doesn’t mean it isn’t ok to forget. It is ok. You are a human being and you are not messing up, or not enough. Maybe just hold it in your hand and love it a little before you go out to spend it.

And maybe, when someone pays you for something, or hugs you, or like Kevin, my young, fit, exercise coach charging me $40 a month for his compassionate and thorough coaching recently texted me:

“Gracias mi mejor alumna”

(Thanks my best student.)

I had to take that in.

I am a womoan in my 50s now and I am picky. I don’t just do what Kevin tells me. I am a bad-ass, powerful, sometimes uncertain matriarch showing up with a bunch of young people trying to learn to lift weights for the first time. Part of me wondered if Kevin found me challenging?

But I guess not.

I think he finds me inspiring.

He keeps posting videos of our workouts on Instagram.

People are sweet.

I can remember so many things now as I finish, which I planned to write.

I was going to describe the chakras and what they do.

The sacral chakra is orange and is the seat of creativity. The root chakra is red and connects one to the earth. It has to do with trust and security.

And here I am in El Salvador.

I know I am healing these things.

There is a swirl of creativity around this little casita as hard working Guatemalan men, living in a little shack, wake up smiling and whistling and go to work. Sometimes they sing. And I watch buildings growing up around me. Art is happening and here I am in the middle of things. Grateful. So grateful.

I have wondered for years why Bitcoin is represented by the color orange. What does bitcoin have to do with creativity and sexuality (the sacral chakra)?

Yesterday it came to me.

Of course.

It is so much like mycelium, growing silently under the ground, connecting things, creatively. Birthing things. Sacral chakra energy.

(I will have to add another disclaimer now. You know, the one that says I am not suggesting you buy Bitcoin, am not a financial advisor, or therapist. This article is not intended as therapy or financial advice on anything. It is just my story and what I am learning from it.)

Now back from that self-care intermission:

You know what? One of the best things that happened to me is at one point in my life, I lost a lot of money. And it didn’t stop me.

Money is only energy.

Live abundantly.

Feel your feelings.

Have compassion for yourself from the inside.

It is not always easy.

And the deeper you go into it all and love yourself through it, the more you connect with the divine.

That is how I see things.

Until next week…

With love,

From one soul on a journey to another

Blessings

They are always happening

But you must feel the beauty, open the channels, and become the instrument in the orchestra of this beautiful world that you came here to be.

(Finished at 1:11)

The end of the day at the Seven Waterfalls…