Part 2: What to do when you have a "Bad" day

Steps 3 & 4 (with a review of Steps 1 & 2...so you don't need read the previous post unless you want to)

Photo by Terra Brooke, Sunset in El Zonte: Grounding can help you recover from a “Bad” day

…continued from last week:

But back to my story. Bad days are messy. Or they can be. If you are having one, maybe it feels like the fault of something outside yourself. Some person or entity that has caused you so much pain. I am not saying that is not true. For sure, it often is. But it is not the whole truth. Because in some part of you, no matter what, you are free. There is an untouchable place in your soul that no one can manipulate or harm. Even when you are not happy. And often, if you are not happy, there is something inside you calling to be seen and cared for, by you and/or others who have the capacity.

Simply noticing what you want and what you need, can bring you back into alignment. It can be that easy.

I am feeling…

Right now, I need…

I have a right to be me.

I want…

I don’t want…

This doesn’t work for me…

These are things that matter to me:

These are all things to notice that can help bring you back to your inner alignment, truth and authenticity. If you do any of them, the person in front of you can relax a bit because you are not asking them to change. You are simply expressing what they already sense happening inside of you. Seriously, perhaps take a minute and feel the answers. Maybe write one of them down somewhere? If you simply feel the energy of the phrase, “I have a right to be me,” in your body, in a non-aggressive way, your energy will straighten out a bit.

During my “bad” day, I was not doing those things. And, I really didn’t get to a full-blown, pain-projecting version of me until later in the day. Later was after I heard the story of Guillermo and on top of already being tired and frustrated, I experienced a swirl of additional feelings.

Guillermo was kind, with a sparkle in his eye and a sweet smile, like a sunrise. In Spanish, a smile is aptly named, “sonrisa.” He worked for the city and was behind the desk we approached when our number was called. My driver and I left the air conditioned rows of plastic seats in the waiting area to talk to Señor Sonrisa. He kindly gave me his personal cell phone number in case I had more questions for him in the future.

Then, as we prepared to leave, Guillermo paused to tell us a story. I could feel the words as he spoke although I had to wait for my driver’s interpretation. Basically, in the past, Guillermo said that it was not safe to work in the records department of a city hall in El Salvador. The local gangs saw those workers as people who could “fix” things like property lines, and titles to deeds. Guillermo was one of those workers. The gangs here threatened him so he would do things for them, which included extorting money from him. He had to take out a loan to pay them.

Things were bad enough he decided he needed to get his family out of the country and Guillermo hired a man known as a “coyote” to get them across the border and into the United States. Whilst attempting to cross the border and apply for a special status given to people attempting to escape danger in their home country, they were apprehended and put into some kind of purgatory building where they remained locked up for over a year, until he could borrow more money to get them out and back to El Salvador. That left him $60K in debt, which for people who make as little as $300 a month, is a lot of money. Actually, for almost anyone I think, it is a lot of money. Guillermo is still paying it off.

I tried not to cry. There was a lot of love, care and pain in his words. In the end, it was uplifting and sweet, as he told us how happy he was that now El Salvador is so safe and how much he loves the President, Nayib Bukele, who has an over 90% approval rating from the local population.

Guillermo said goodbye to us and with the documents we requested in hand and my by this point, frazzled emotional state, we were finally done with city offices.

(Now, let’s pause for a moment to notice one thing I have done, and I have seen many other people do, while in the midst of an authentically “bad” day. And that is to attempt to bypass how you are feeling by noticing how many people have bad days that are “worse” than yours.

I am not telling you Guillermo’s story, or mine, so you can use them to minimize whatever is happening for you. Your experience matters. It is unique. Comparison doesn’t help. You matter and your day, and whatever is “off” about it is here to teach you something and for that to happen, you have to feel it and not go away from it by minimizing it).

Ok. Point made. Back to the story:

My driver told me we could still arrive at the lots I wanted to revisit by 6pm, before dark (and add another 1 1/2 hours to our 3 hour drive back to my hotel). I told him I had had enough.

He told me I was a difficult client, much more picky than the other person in the US who hires him to help purchase properties.

I believe, maybe by then, we were both projecting our pain a bit.

The car ride back felt uncomfortable. I explained my overall disappointment and blamed him for my bad day (as I said, it can happen to the best of us).

I told myself I was practicing my communication skills.

He decided to only charge me for gas and refused any more money for his over 12 hour day with me. This didn’t feel good either and so I topped off the night exhausted on my bed and shed a few tears.

Then I woke up unhappy and anxious. You can see how I arrived there.

So why does all that matter to you?

Well, I do feel we all have challenging days. This was the package of mine. What I want is for you to feel less alone when yours hits at some point and to maybe remember that like mine, “this too shall pass.” It is just a challenging day. If you want to feel better about it, you can look at it as an opportunity for personal growth. You know, a step on your life journey that might be a gift, looking back on it. Maybe.

You may have some unmet needs that might be worth checking for and asking yourself about. And maybe some pain that you may be tempted to send towards someone or some issue in your life, or numb with some other kind of coping strategy? Maybe the pain can be held and felt a bit more and given a little love? Maybe your sense that someone just needs some direction or advice from you is simply a coping strategy?

If you notice some of those things, there is a chink of hope because days never stay the same and even if it feels like what you feel will never end, simply noticing what is happening is a step towards shifting things. You notice that: This doesn’t feel right for me. You add a sprinkle of compassion for yourself and remember, this day is here to teach you something.

Which leads to step 3.

Step #3 Find what feels good and do that

What would be helpful for you? What would feel like care?

For me, I took a shower and I went to bed. I told myself that despite feeling overwhelmed and despondent, despite feeling like I had wasted a day and also was not met and seen as I wanted, all I could do was move forward. It didn’t feel like the next day would be better and I also knew rest would help.

What do you need?

Rest would feel good to me.

Reassess things

I woke up in the morning and reassessed things. I had scheduled an outing with my driver that he suggested in two more days. I looked on-line at the place up he planned to take me and decided it was not what I really wanted to do. I needed to slow down. And I needed a break. Our communication was not flowing well. It wasn’t working for me.

Notice what you like and what you don’t and see if you can do more of what you want to be doing.

I put on my yoga clothes and never actually made it to yoga. But that was OK. It felt good to have them on. I like yoga. My yoga clothes were an intention for my day. My new day. The next day.

I also realized I was scheduled to move into a new room. This seemed daunting after my previous bad day. So what would feel good? Breakfast. Breakfast first. With coffee. Check. Done. It helped.

At breakfast, I spoke with a fellow traveler about my previous day and she listened with compassion and care. She reminded me that such things passed and suggested it might have been related to the current phase of the moon. That helped. Find someone who can really hear and feel you and offers some empathy. Sometimes, that someone may be you.

After packing up my room and leaving my luggage outside the door (not as hard as it seemed at first), I grabbed my computer and headed to study my on-line Spanish class. I wanted to do that even more than yoga. Despite how terrible I feel at Spanish, I am tenaciously determined to learn.

Thank you to Alex, owner of Essencia Nativa, El Zonte, El Salvador

The people at the hotel have seen me hiding behind my computer screen with my headphones on, quietly practicing. They have also seen me fall back into speaking English with them over and over. So with kindness and a smile, one of them told me he doesn’t speak English when I asked him something. And he started helping me learn Spanish, patiently. I felt supported and I felt care from him. Two people in the restaurant did the same thing. And of course, they did speak English when I needed it.

My day, my next day, was feeling much better. I walked with my computer to another hotel where I signed up for twenty Spanish classes. Their website was not working well, so I camped out there until I had committed, officially, to one-on-one tutoring.

Still with no yoga practice under my belt, I met an architect I know on my way to the ATM to get money to pay for my Spanish classes. We set up a coffee date with a friend of his who can show me more lots in the area I was looking at the day before. Another friend told me about property near the city where I am staying, and like very much.

And things started to feel good again to me.

What can you do to support and care for yourself?

It was a new day and I did my best to do what I felt I needed to support myself.

I finished the day at a meetup group, still in my yoga clothes, still with no yoga actually practiced and that was fine. I took care of myself. I honored and did my best to feel what I needed. I let people help me. All those things seem key to having a “good” day. And I didn’t give myself a hard time for not getting everything done that I planned to do. Unexpected things happened and I went with that. I adjusted.

Step #4: This too shall pass

This is a key phrase to remember when you are in the midst of one of those days. Sometimes, days are just tough and you do your best in the midst of them. If you are having a so-called bad day, it doesn’t mean you have messed up on steps one, two, and three. It is so easy to look at things that way. It is part of the bad day thinking process, to fall into self-judgement. That kind of thinking does provide a sense of control because if you tell yourself you messed up, that means you can do things differently and then have a better experience. But days aren’t about messing or not messing up.

They are just days. Some are tough and some flow better than others. You can re-asses and navigate them without berating yourself.

Just remember, if you are having a tough one: this too shall pass. It is good to simply notice something is not feeling good. “Oh, I am having one of those tough days. Ok. Well, they happen sometimes. There are more days ahead. This too shall pass.” You know, that kind of thing.

Then see what you need and how you can offer yourself some care, even if that care is simply noticing your coping strategies and not judging yourself for them, but seeing them as the best tools you have at that moment.

“Without awareness there is no choice”—-John Barnes

Then you’ve got some choice. And some space for some different frequencies to appear.

Honoring your needs and preferences allows an inner alignment and integrity

I know my driver wanted to hear me say that he was right about everything. That I was so glad we left at 6am and that it was such a great day. But it wasn’t for me. And that’s ok. The truth was that the road issues with the properties I was considering purchasing still bothered me. Also, I would have felt much better with a breakfast “typico” from my hotel and some coffee in me, even if it didn’t fit the schedule. I will be more aware of that in the future and less willing to let myself be talked out of it.

I also realized my driver and I were not connecting as I needed to plan for adventures that suited me. So I checked on the next one on our schedule to see if it was what I really wanted to do, and it wasn’t. So I cancelled. That’s ok. Good even. I am more clear on what I am looking for. The “bad” day helped me with that. And he has good intentions and means well. I know that too. But I have to honor my needs and desires.

It is ok to change things, to cancel things, or whatever you need to do to honor your inner alignment and integrity.

I believe honoring what felt right for me allowed the next day to be better. It allowed for new possibilities to show up. It was a “no” to something that made space for other things to come in.

That is how days can be. That is integrity. That is care. And it came from a long, messy, tiring day that was not what I hoped it would be. That is life. It is ok when it happens. We learn from “bad” days and from “good” days too. In the end, all the days, no matter how they feel, are helping you and me to grow into expanded versions of ourselves. You can recover from the hard ones.

So, to recap on how to recover from a “bad” day:

Here are the tips for straightening out your energy and fostering inner alignment and integrity:

1) Notice something doesn’t feel right to you

You don’t need to minimize your experience by telling yourself other people have it worse, or things could be worse. You are having a tough day. That is real. That is enough to work with. It matters and you can grow from it. Isn’t that one reason we caterpillar/butterflies are here?

2) Bring some care and compassion to yourself, even if all this happens after the fact

I am feeling…

Right now, I need…

I have a right to be me.

I want…

I don’t want…

This doesn’t work for me…

These are things that matter to me:

3) Find what feels good and do that

What can you do to support and care for yourself?

4) This too shall pass

It is ok to change things, to cancel things, or whatever you need to do to honor your inner alignment and integrity.

And have fun. Life is a journey and you are enough, messy parts and all. We are all here, growing and learning.

Becoming a Butterfly is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.