Three Phrases to Make Your Life Easier
"That's interesting." "Not my stuff." "What can I learn from this?"
Have you ever found yourself seemingly stuck in feelings of irritation, anger, hopelessness or despair? If so, you are not alone.
“Welcome to being human…” — John McMullen, founder of The Holistic Coaching Institute
And being human does not mean that things will never change.
Are you stuck forever?
Now, certainly, it can feel that way. Some of these patterns in life repeat themselves and it can be upsetting when you begin to see it.
Things that start need to finish
At one point, Thomas Hubel, introduced me to the idea that energy must complete itself in order to become neutral again.
For instance, imagine you are living in an energetic field that is malleable. As you live your life with other humans, and interact with one another, the field forms into energetic shapes. When there is tension, resentment or some kind of disturbing event that has not been integrated with an energy of care, you walk around with a structure in your energy field that is like a tangled ball of yarn. I think we can inherit some of these structures as well, or pick them up from other people unconsciously. I will write more on that later. The main thing is, not to take this personally. Not to make yourself wrong or bad because you have the same types of painful things happen to you, in what seems like an escalator you can’t get off.
And the reason you can’t seem to get off is that these structures do seem to draw similar experiences to us. Just like that pink ball in the picture below. They are like a sign in our energy field that magnetizes similar situations.
(Don’t worry, I have a tool for you and I do believe that we evolve and grow, into more capable and beautiful versions of ourselves, through learning to integrate such things. In my opinion, what happens when they are integrated can help you. It helps your family line too. And it helps other people who will feel and see how you handle things…your evolution is contagious).
When you can hold situations differently, with some care and compassion, these little trauma tangles will melt away and that little pink ball above will melt back into light.
Now, if you’re like me, you might find this idea irritating and unfair. Perhaps something unpleasant has happened to you and you have seen the pattern repeating in your life. You don’t want a sign on your back. You may be thinking you didn’t put it there.
Here is my idea of how these signs become stuck:
Take the bullying example. If you were bullied, it would be easy to believe you are powerless and life is scary. And there you have it. There is a sign on your back that says, “I believe I am powerless and life is scary.” It is reasonable that sign is there. There is nothing wrong with you.
Also, you can see what type of experiences might come your way.
More bullies, right?
Now, again, if you are like me, you might be getting more irritated about this by now. I encourage you to keep reading. Hope and inspiration are coming.
Transformation is a process
I am sure we all agree that bullying is wrong and we wouldn’t point our finger in blame towards the child on the receiving end.
So, what is the advantage to recognizing the signs on your back and learning to remove them? Eventually you or this hypothetical bullied child, learn that you are not powerless. You learn to create healthy boundaries and environments. You learn life doesn’t have to be scary.
If you meet someone who has overcome great challenges and come out the other side, my experience is that it is common to hear them say they would not change the past. Talk to any recovered addict. The journey has brought more awareness, growth, and transformation.
So, the key is to find the signs and taking them off your back. The key is to become more aware and more empowered.
Personal growth has a map
So how do you do that?
It is pretty simple. First, all you have to do is take these two words seriously enough to actually use them.
Are you ready? Here they are:
“That’s Interesting”
Now, I have been on a life-long journey to figure out why certain patterns have repeated and how to navigate difficult situations. This quest has brought me to a rather long list of classes, practices, and spiritual teachers.
A few years ago, I was gushing out my pain and angst to Beverly Anderson, a psychic and Red Hat Chi Gong energy healer, when she smiled and had me stop.
“Terra,” she said, “just use these words: ‘that’s interesting’ when things happen in life and see what happens.”
It sounds easy and it wasn’t. Whenever we want to create a new habit, it takes practice and repetition.
At first, I would forget and remember later. I would visit Beverly again and start to gush about some current challenge and she would say with a smile, “Oh,….that’s interesting…”
Slowly, over time, this has become a habit and I feel myself saying it when other people are telling me about their life challenges as well as when my own arise.
You can change the way you feel
“Our most important means of preparation may be to work with our own perceptual universe as it applies to us. This includes the development of left hemisphere knowledge about right hemisphere processes.” — Bonnie Badenoch, author of Trauma and the Embodied Brain
If you think of your left brain as analytical and your right brain as intuitive and creative, the words, “That’s Interesting,” give your left brain a place to focus and open space for your right brain to creatively provide insight and transformation.
Otherwise, you can be caught in what has been referred to as the lizard part of your brain. Old emotional places that have not healed can be aggravated by present experiences and what may be a pebble can quickly feel like an emotional avalanche.
This is why, when you are in a certain triggered or activated state, as you know, it can be pretty hard to get out.
If you say these two words, it is like you zoom out a little bit and have more space.
Think of it like standing on Earth having an experience vs. flying up into the clouds and looking down, like the view you see from an airplane window. From an airplane, you can see the path of rivers, the patchwork of farmland. You can see patterns. This is what happens when you use these two words. There is a tiny bit more breathing room. The unconscious paper on your back begins to loosen.
I know it sounds simple, and my experience is that doing this can change your life.
Here’s an example
At one point, I learned about the term, “gaslighting.” Gaslighting is what someone does to manipulate you. They say something that, if you are not using the two golden “That’s Interesting” words, may take you into a state of questioning your experience and reality.
I believe that sometimes, people do this unconsciously when an event is too much for them to acknowledge and I imagine that sometimes they do it intentionally.
Recently, I was on the receiving end of what I believe was the first scenario. By that time, “That’s Interesting,” was an ingrained habit. So, as my feelings of frustration and discomfort arose, I became interested in what was happening.
“That’s Interesting,” gave my mind a job to act like a detective rather than working to justify my anger and resentment.
Once those two words changed my focus, I realized I was being gaslighted, which I had never caught in the moment before. This in itself was deeply empowering. I also saw that it was most likely unconscious on the part of the other person and was likely due to their incapacity to hold the severity and pain of the experience to which they referred.
Previous to this, all people who used gaslighting were seen by me as manipulative and narcissistic. This is what I had learned and read as I became familiar with the concept.
The key to compassion
Now, with these two words, I was able to bring more understanding and compassion to the situation. If I had not had them as an automatic response, I likely would have remained annoyed and frustrated.
I would have been caught in an emotional loop as every time I remembered the situation, I would re-aggravate those feelings. Instead, I have greater understanding, compassion, and awareness.
So, I really encourage you to experiment with this. If you want a few additional bonus phrases you can add on the phrase: “What can I learn from this?”
“What can I learn from this?”
You are giving your brain a job and you will be amazed to see what happens. You may get an answer right away or it may be what Thomas Hubel calls a “walking question” for a time. Either way, you will be in a position of interested investigator rather than powerless victim.
As you hold this exploration, your subconscious will be looking for answers.
Projecting and “Not my stuff”
Finally, as Beverly Anderson has also taught, you can remind yourself it is “not my stuff.”
Now, sure, we can learn from everything around us and sure, from a certain perspective, if anything is happening in your world, it is your stuff because it is part of your experience.
You may have heard of projecting, which means you see your issues coming from other people. Perhaps you notice and are frustrated by angry people when you, yourself, are angry and have simply learned to repress it. Maybe you weren’t allowed to be angry as a child or maybe you learned to avoid angry people and told yourself you would never be “like them.”
However, the gaslighting example above is a great time to use the words, “not my stuff.” Sometimes, people are projecting their own frustrations and issues your way.
This is like they are unconsciously holding a post it note out to you as an offer to stick on your back. They want you to take it. They want you to agree with what they are saying about a situation or about you because they want to avoid feeling something.
You can look at that post it note and say to yourself, “Wow, that’s interesting….” You zoom out a bit. “What can I learn from this?”
You notice what is happening and that it doesn’t feel right.
So you decline the post it note offer.
We have enough of our own stuff to work on without picking up other people’s post-it notes.
Incremental Learning
Now, maybe you have decided you are going to take these two words for a test run yourself. You’re feeling pumped up and motivated. Maybe you’re even feeling desperate to change.
Well, I am cheering you on.
I also want you to know about incremental or mastery learning, because this is the way to succeed.
Josh Waitzkin, in his book, The Art of Learning, talks of two types of learners. One type thinks “I am smart at this” and another thinks “I got it because I worked very hard at it.”
If the learners who have a pre-conceived notion of their capacity fail at a task, they become dismayed, think they aren’t good enough, and are less likely to try again.
Learners who associate success with hard work, will try again after failing.
Attitude is everything
Ultimate success does not correlate with intelligence, it correlates with attitude.
Now, we are talking about three sentences here. Do you remember them? If you don’t, as a mastery learner, you will look back and find them again and write them somewhere so you will be reminded.
Or, if you are dismayed that you can’t think of them now and start to embrace powerlessness and victimhood, you will probably stop right here (although I doubt it if you have read this far).
But, if you do succumb to defeat and decide it isn’t worth the effort, or there is a bowl of ice cream calling to you instead…well…
“That’s interesting…” isn’t it?
Any time you want to change or create a new habit, repetition is key as is allowing yourself to forget and trying again. If you miss a basketball shot, you don’t have to quit the game as long as you want to play.
Over time, with practice, it will become easier.
Remember, you are not alone. We are all becoming butterflies and I hope these few sentences support you because for sure, life is not always easy.
Here you go once more:
That’s interesting.
Not my stuff.
What can I learn from this?
That was interesting! Thanks!