Trust is not so easy when the world shifts around you

but that is The Way... in a shifting world we make plans, and it is good to hold them softly and allow Grace to lead the way

A raft trip in Costa Rica…supposedly the “easiest” way to get to the other side of the country

It is Wednesday morning and I am writing at the last minute again. I did write something else that I could work to craft and my sense is to let it go and to start anew.

This has been required of me lately.

Sometimes you need to let things go and start over

I am back in the US.

I remember walking on the beach in El Zonte, El Salvador, feeling my upcoming trip to the United States and sensing it might be hard, sensing it would not be the same as walking on a warm, tropical beach at sunrise.

Of course, that is not all El Zonte was. It had its challenges too. Let’s not sugar coat things here as that can get tedious so quickly.

It is easy to idealize things in the mind, which is not so useful as it leads to a false sense of things. It is more loving to include everything in life…the easy and the challenging

Then I arrived in the Los Angeles airport and I feel like I hit the ground running.

My plan was visit my parents and my uncle and shop for what I might need in El Salvador, for a much longer stretch of time than I expected.

Recently, I had a lovely-feeling life plan. I had learned about living a thinly tethered life in the world and decided to embrace what I had learned. I was in El Salvador and was applying for residency. But instead of purchasing a car and finding a long-term rental, I would spend the next year or two renting places around the world for a few months at a time.

El Salvador required I be there six months a year, but I was also told time spent in Guatemala would count towards the six months. So I added traveling to a lake in Guatemala. I planned to rent a place there for a few months and sign up for an intensive Spanish program, since my smattering of tutoring classes and Spanish apps have not been working for me as well as I would like.

Then I would have four months to spend in El Salvador, a country I liked. That was easy. I liked living in El Zonte. I could rent a room by the month and explore the country more.

I also met a couple traveling through El Zonte who owned a hotel and a farm in Austria on the edge of a lake near Italy. They said I could rent monthly from them.

So, I would go to Austria for a month and then back to Ireland to stay at my favorite place there, also available monthly.

Done.

This thin tethering thing was going to be great! I was lucky. I was following my dreams and although selling everything I owned and hopping on a plane to a foreign country with my life in a big suitcase was not always easy, it was generally feeling pretty good.

I got my residency and soon after, my attorney’s, now also my new friends, asked if they could come out with their daughter and take me out to lunch for my birthday.

That was when my balloon popped.

No matter how hard you try to control or plan, life will do surprising things. Can you relax and allow the currents to move in ways you can’t predict? Can you allow yourself to flow and alter course as needed…kind of like rafting?

I was drinking my favorite detox juice with them: fresh turmeric, ginger, pineapple juice, mint, no sugar, blended with ice. I sat, happily sipping away. I was also in the middle of a cleanse that week, so I was having detox juice for lunch.

My attorney looked across the table at me and told me she had some unexpected news. She had found that there were two laws on the books in El Salvador regarding residency and how long people with temporary residency status could be outside the country. Her friend from law school happened to be the head of the immigration department and so she called in a favor and asked for clarification on these blurry rules she recently became aware of.

I won’t go into the details and the main thing is that the requirement of my new residency now is that I remain in the country for nine months a year. Time in Guatemala or any other country does not count towards my residency. For now, unless the rules change, which they often do, I have to live boots-on-the-ground in El Salvador for 9 months a year, for three years. After that, I can apply for Permanent Residency and be technically free. Permanent Residency allows you to leave the country for up to two years at a time. You can also apply for citizenship soon after.

My attorney smiled and laughed a little. She didn’t know about my new plan for my life. She knew I liked El Salvador and was happy to be there. I imagine she thought a few extra months was probably not a big deal.

And it was a big deal to me.

I am not comfortable fitting into boxes anymore to please other people. I do follow laws and rules, but if I don’t like them, I do my best to find a situation that suits me better. Sometimes I leave a country.

Sometimes you have to sit in uncertainty and that is not always easy. It is part of life and resisting circumstances you don’t want doesn’t help. It is like trying to fight the currents in a river instead of feeling them and using them to your advantage.

So, I had to sit in uncertainty. I had planned to be gone for 2 1/2 months starting December 4th. I would have been in El Salvador for five months straight by then, four of them in a hotel room overlooking the sea. It was time for things to change.

I wasn’t ready to let go of the residency I worked so hard to get. There were the attorney fees, but also there was a lot of time and effort I put into obtaining the necessary paperwork.

For now, simply adjusting seemed best. I would go with the nine months and see how it felt. I would reconsider buying a car and renting a place. Perhaps for three years, those things would be helpful under these new circumstances. Permanent residency is something I would like. It felt worth making a few sacrifices for.

So, I shortened my trip away and changed a few flights. I started thinking about things I would need if I was going to live in El Salvador nine months a year and how I would get said things, by myself, into the country. Extra suitcases seem to be the way most people go.

Then I landed in LA and pretty much hit the ground running.

I jumped in to full-blown consumerism.

My cell phone quit working so I got a new one. I tried to get some film taken off my computer screen and found it had irreversibly adhered to the coating. The tropical heat may have had something to do with this. The computer was still under warranty, so it went in for repairs. I have it back now, with a new screen.

I bought luggage which involved rolling a lot of suitcases around a Nordstrom Rack store late at night and evaluating how many I could handle. I bought a scale to weigh each piece when I headed to the airport next. It was dark and late when I finished. My eyes were starting to develop a sheen that in the past has either meant I am processing things energetically or coming down with something. I was on the edge. I took extra supplements. I spent a lot of time at my parent’s tangerine tree eating fresh tangerines. The ground around it is speckled with tiny, orange-colored peelings, left by me. I think peeling tangerines is a form of stress release for me. Somehow, the tree magically, somehow still has a lot of tangerines. But I have a few weeks left.

I went to the dentist, I went to a naturopathic office I like and figured out what supplements I would take with me for six months and left with a large credit card receipt and a white paper bag of bottles.

I learned mice get into the engines of cars, especially when sitting outside for months, and decided, reluctantly, that I need to sell my car before I leave.

I missed Spanish lessons with Rogelio because I simply forgot and didn’t check my calendar.

I walked with my mom early almost every morning and drank my dad’s freshly-prepared coffee.

I went through the tubs of things I have stored in their shed and started collecting what I might need. My stuff is now spread through two rooms. It became a bit overwhelming.

Last night, I hauled home more clothing from the Prana outlet store. They still let me in even though the pass I had was expired. I figured it might be my last time there, so I spent a few hours trying on clothes and shopping.

There has been so much shopping.

And this is one of the reasons I am leaving. It feels like life is so much about things when I am here. And when it is not about shiny things, white teeth, sparkly cars, and money that people worry, rightfully, about not having enough of, it is about staying busy. Everyone here seems busy, including me.

Now, I could be upset. I mean, I had a plan that excited me, and over one detox smoothy, it all fell apart.

But that is what life does. It seems a bit natural to me and also like training. I feel I am here to learn things. To grow.

Sometimes, the experience of what you don’t want helps shine a light on what you do

Challenge is good for growth. Most people I have met have looked at me with a bit of awe, or a glimmer of a wish in their eye. They ask me if I did it on my own, this move? They ask me why I chose El Salvador? And I see something that looks like a little bit of a dream reawaken in them. A dream of what they might be wanting.

That is a good thing.

And change can be disconcerting.

Change can be disconcerting. That’s when it is good to ask for support and guidance

When things change fast, I do my best to feel my way. I talk to God or my soul, or guides. I ask. I feel my body. I listen to get a sense of what to do. Because what I do has to change as the world changes around me.

It is like a dance.

Feel the movements of what comes next and trust what you get

Here it is, Wednesday. It is 7:54 am. I am unsure if I will drive to my uncles, and on the way to Arizona, get treated for a cat allergy at the naturopathic doctor.

If I don’t go now and wait, I feel like my packing for El Salvador may feel rushed and busy.

If I do go now, his daughter will be there as well.

Sometimes the sands of life will keep shifting and that does not mean you are doing anything wrong

You see, yesterday, I called him, with a firm plan that I would drive out today for my visit. I scheduled the cat allergy treatment and everything (my parents have a cat and cats must be avoided for 24 hours after this energetic treatment…so having it done on the way to my uncle’s is perfect—he lives cat-free).

But then he mentioned his daughter was coming as well. He told me she could sleep on the floor since I would be arriving first (I know…definitely not going to happen) and that it would be fine for us both to be there. (And as I edit this now, I am sleeping in the bedroom that feels like a second home to me… My uncle convinced me and told me I could move later when my cousin arrives…so even my “definitely not going to happen” was held loosely, and led to a much-needed good nights sleep).

So once again, what I expected to happen was shifting quickly. I cancelled my appointment to get treated for the cat allergy.

Savor things

The next morning, I woke up and started to reach for my phone, to check my email and figure things out about my travels, but then I didn’t. I looked at the orange glow of the sunrise. I snuggled back in bed for a little while longer. And I went back to sleep.

Ask for help, you are not alone and you don’t have to figure it out by yourself…

When I did wake up, I sat on the edge of my bed and asked for help. I asked to be guided. I asked about when to go see my uncle, how best to flow with all these things…and then I sat down to write to you about pivoting.

Asking helped a lot. It was calming. I looked at my calendar again. I didn’t want to change any more plane tickets. I need to slow down. I didn’t want to drive back to California from Tucson and have only a few days to organize my things and sell my car.

So I will go now.

Trusting

I hope it will be ok and what I know is that it is OK with him, which is the most important thing. Maybe it will be nice to see my cousin too and have some special time with her? Life is like that. It is surprising. And it requires pivoting.

If you jump into the stream of living the most authentic life you can, it will require trusting and pivoting multiple times as the energy field around you is always changing

If I move with the currents of life, it might still be hard. But it is a lot easier than trying hard to stay in the same spot in the stream and scream that I want everything to stay the same and leave me and my life in the state my mind wants. It doesn’t work that way.

There is a bigger plan for your life than your mind can see

But there is help and it comes through asking for it, through feeling oneself and doing what feels most like love and care, and then trusting.

Grace will lead the way.

Ask and you shall receive

And now I am off. I have half an hour to pack and get ready.

Wish me luck.

And I wish you luck as well, as we are all in the stream on The Way to something, which may simply be about the journey itself and becoming…always Becoming…butterflies.