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Here is a disruptive, counter-intuitive act. Here is how you feel good.
It is a practice to feel good.
I am not talking about that Woo Woo kind of bypassing “I feel Sooooo good, Terra. It is all about being Oooooptimistic, Terra. Life is Goooood, Terra. In fact, Terra,” (please brace yourself for this one, as I often have to clutch the sides of the rollercoaster car in which I am sitting when someone doles this out to me), “it’s Allllll Goooood.”
Usually their words come in a slightly high pitched tone and their eyes are a little bit crazed, like they have opted for some unnatural medications, or a cocktail of various things to create their tenuous “spiritual” outlook.
And I get it.
It is hard to feel the other stuff. The stuff that doesn’t feel good.
But I don’t think that is actually the answer either.
Or, more accurately, I don’t feel the answer ends there.
It is helpful to feel what is going on in the moment. The subtle things. The little bit (or big bit) of tension in my jaw. Often, I don’t understand WHY it is there (but it is).
Or the judgement, or the fear.
Or whatever.
It helps to notice stuff like that.
But then the next step is to give it some CARE.
Sometimes, I tell myself my life feels like a broken record. I seem to revisit challenging situations. For instance, my right eye is twitching again and it hasn’t done that in years. I thought I was through with whatever caused that.
Last time I took some supplements and it went away. Of course, I changed a lot of things in my life too. Maybe it was a combination of things that my twitch needed?
I am not so sure supplements are all that it needs right now, but I have some magnesium, just in case.
It might be twitching due to a recent informative, but troubling book I read. Or that Dr. Kruse podcast I listened to.
It might be twitching due to uncertainty or feeling unsettled. Maybe it is reacting to the chem trails I keep noticing and don’t like?
Or maybe I am just not eating enough eggs? It seriously could be twitching due to a lack of eggs.
And I could go make some eggs, but that is not my plan.
My plan is to borrow my uncle’s car, which he generously lets me use, along with his house, his coffee maker, and the guest bathroom including bathtub.
My plan is to take the car and go to my favorite coffee shop called Ren, and sit outside and eat a red tamale, with green salsa, arugula salad with bright red cherry tomatoes and avocado slices, and a medium turmeric latte with coconut milk and honey.
If my eye twitch needs something in eggs, maybe happiness will also suffice?
Happiness is something I realize I have to cultivate.
Especially now.
Despite the festive atmosphere sometimes around me, I also feel that people are triggered. Sometimes those “people” are me.
My uncle is at a Meetup for breakfast. He invited me in an email before I arrived and I didn’t commit.
He didn’t invite me again; he simply headed out. “I’ll take my bike to the meeting, so don’t worry about going to your yoga class. You can use the car.”
Of course, when I headed to my yoga class, I realized I forgot to put on my glasses, which I am still technically required to wear for driving, since I haven’t gotten my vision retested (I am pretty sure it has been improving since I moved to El Salvador and started wearing glasses and contacts less, watching the sun rise and set more, and spending more time in general outside with my feet connected to the ground).
Then, as I decided to retrieve them, I noticed class started in five minutes and the drive took ten.
So, I turned the car around and came back to sit in the now quite house of my uncle.
Yoga was going to have to wait. What was I going to choose to do now?
It is not like I don’t have a list of things to accomplish and I did work on some of them for a bit.
But then I thought, “Terra, you are feeling squirmy and this needs to change.”
So I went and sat outside in the sun and started practicing things I want to feel more of in my body as I asked myself and those subtle beings I talk to a few questions about the state of the world, my part in it all, and how to change my frequency state.
I often feel stymied by the amount of pain and dysfunction on this planet. Despite my tenacious clinging to the phrase and embodied state I strive to achieve in which I can own that “only Love is real,” I struggle with my news feed.
I imagine you know what I mean.
It doesn’t have a lot of love in it recently.
So I plopped myself down outside, faced the sun, closed my eyes, and started practicing.
What does “fun” feel like? Can I feel that in my body?
How about “care”? Can I feel care in my body?
I kept going and then came inside to look on my calendar to check the daily reminder I have of things I want to practice feeling, as I was sure there were a few things I might have missed and I am a determined little liquifying caterpillar or emerging butterfly, depending on your perspective.
The “It’s Allllll Goooood” people, in my opinion, are avoiding the hard stuff and so I don’t think it’s possible to really feel the good feelings. But, since everything is subjective, I can’t say for sure and in the end, it’s really not my business to tune anyones instrument but my own. I can say, that in my experience, the more I can feel the painful stuff and hold it with care and love, the easier and deeper I feel beautiful things like awe, or joy. But like I said, that’s just me.
And when it comes to me, I want to feel things in my body. I want to live in a different state and as I thought of that tamale, and listened to the sound of hummingbirds dive bombing one another around my uncles three bird feeders, I reminded myself that the tamale was going to help.
It was going to help, not because I was going to cover up other feelings and try to escape them with food. It was going to help because I really love it. I planned to savor it.
Yesterday, my friend Sandra appeared on my screen frazzled. For some reason she couldn’t get her video going and I soon realized why.
“My tires were leaking and now my computer is broken and life just feels so….so…..” I don’t remember the word she used. It wasn’t “squirmy,” although that is what she was doing with her body as she scrunched up her face and squirmed a bit on my screen.
“My neighbor told me where to get the tires checked,” she continued.
“I had never even noticed the place and they do it for free,” she said, slightly exasperated.
“Well, that is lovely that your neighbor wanted to help. He sounds nice,” I responded.
“That was care,” she said, realization dawning on her face. She seemed a little frustrated she hadn’t noticed and she took a breath as she let the realization of the care she had received sink into her body as she took it in.
This is not a mental practice I am suggesting to you. To feel better, it requires actually feeling things, in ones physical body. Which is much different than simply noting them.
We reminded one another that care is still not necessarily something we have a habit of looking for, but we were working on cultivating it together. “You know Sandra, if we reframe all this, it is actually kind of a gift that you had your tire issue because then you got to feel how great it is to be supported.”
Sandra looked at me a little sideways. But she got it.
Part of all this was Sandra was experiencing life as something she has to do on her own.
I imagine you may know that feeling at some point in your life as well.
But I don’t want to just write about Sandra, as that is a way to avoid including what was happening with me, which is never helpful in the long run.
And eventually she said something that I took outside with me this morning to the little metal chair I was sitting on. It was something I wanted to feel more of, and it needed some practicing.
At first when we met, in addition to the tires, she was exasperated about her computer breaking. But later she said, with a lovely breath and a gentle smile on her face, “You know Terra, tomorrow, I GET to take my computer in to be fixed!”
That is called “re-framing” things.
Suddenly, her broken computer felt like going to the coffee shop for a Tamale.
It felt nice.
I remembered Sean Stephenson’s last words for the Zillionth time as the hummingbirds buzzed by my ears: “This is happening for me, not to me.”
“Ok Terra, you have been navigating a lot lately.” (For me, that means, considering what I will or will not say to the people in front of me, reading my news feed and picking out what I find true and helpful and what I do not, managing my inner state and not taking other people’s behavior personally).
My mind was a little resentful of all the navigating.
Then I thought of those hummingbirds.
What would life be like if they were not navigating it?
I saw one of them in my mind’s eye. A tiny bird, flopped on the ground, with no energy in its body.
That would not be useful at all. That would not be living.
So maybe “navigating” was just part of life and maybe, just maybe, it could, at times, be a tiny bit fun for me (my belly is tingling as I type that, which I take as my body confirming “yes” to me).
“How can I be proactive?” I asked myself. “How can I feel better in the midst of this world that seems fairly crazy frequently to me?”
“Well,” my mind reminded me, “You can practice.”
I remembered Sandra’s computer again and pretended it was mine. My computer could get fixed today! It felt dang good to feel that energy.
I did the same with other things. I felt fun in my body. I felt valuable. I felt my opinion mattering to others. I felt my book succeeding. I felt joy in completing it. “The process of completing my book is fun.” I felt those words in my body. “I am worthy of money.” “I am worthy of care.”
Then I came inside and I thought about all this.
The things I am practicing feeling really haven’t been felt a lot by many people in my family.
This is not their fault.
It is kind of absurd to expect people to do things they are unaware of and have never been exposed to.
So then, if I want to experience and embody certain things, I have to teach myself how to do it. I have to use whatever tools I can to vibrate my cells with the energy I want to feel more of. When Sandra sat and told me she was now feeling delighted she was going to get her computer fixed, I wanted to feel that kind of delight. I couldn’t in that moment. So I practiced later outside at my Uncle’s house. I practice feeling things.
Sometimes, it is a disruptive act to feel centered, hopeful, and good inside. The world out there is providing many, many reasons to wallow in misery. There are valid things happening that are troubling. And it is ok to be troubled. It is also ok to cultivate one’s sovereignty and feel other things as well. The disturbed feelings need love. And then there is more to include like your value, and your worthiness. To feel that rest matters and that you are worthy of that too. “I am worthy of taking my time.” “I am aging with grace.” “I appreciate my body.” Things like that.
Here are things on my calendar that I remembered to read and practice today.
(I will explain as I go)
You, you make lovin’ fun (It’s all I want to do)
I am worthy of respect.
I am worthy of care.
I am worthy of being seen.
I am worthy of being heard.
Feel the opposite of blaming myself, or trying to please people so they will like and value me.
Feel being valued, and being valued by my guides at this hotel.
Now I’ll explain:
“You, you make lovin’ fun” are lyrics from a Fleetwood Mac song Sandra mentioned one day.
Had I experienced that energy in my family when I grew up?
Grandpa used to criticize grandma over dinner, frequently.
Nope.
Mom and Dad? Well, they were still together and their relationship has lasted over sixty years. But had I seen “You, you make lovin’ fun” between them much in my life, especially growing up?
Nope.
My other grandmother and grandfather did express that kind of feeling when it came to me. And between them, there was more kindness than the other grandparents. But the words themselves, directed towards one another? Had I seen that?
Nope again.
So, you see, just feeling the energy of those words, in my body, so I can get a dose of it so to speak, is pretty disruptive when it comes to my family.
It is pretty disruptive in general in these times.
You, you make lovin’ fun
I feel how I feel with an imaginary someone feeling that way about me. (It feels nice).
(It’s all I want to do)
I feel the imaginary someone enjoying my company. That feels nice too.
I am cultivating a nice feeling in my body in response to an imaginary person in front of me.
The feeling in my body though, is not imaginary. I am experiencing it, physically and energetically.
Are people delighting in one another much around you? Maybe you are in a relationship where you are feeling those things, and feeling them frequently, and that is great. Please, keep going. Lots of us want to be exposed to the frequency of that so we can see how it’s done.
But most people, I believe, are struggling.
However we, as divine instruments, can choose what we play and what we resonate with.
I like feeling the energy in my body of being around someone who finds me fun to love and is having fun enjoying my company, even in my imagination.
And it doesn’t have to be romantic.
Ok.
Next phrase.
I am worthy of care.
Well, it always feels good to feel that.
I usually follow it by reminding myself to feel worthy of money, even though I don’t think that is written on my calendar anymore.
Because the truth is, if I don’t feel worthy of things, I certainly am not going to notice and foster them, even if they are pouring towards me like a gentle stream of golden light, or numbers on a balance sheet.
I have to feel worthy or I will sabotage things.
And why do that?
It doesn’t make me happy.
I am worthy of being seen.
This is a good one if you had parents who preferred you sit quietly and listen to them.
My parents still do this.
I am not going to change them.
But just because they do it does not mean I am not worthy of being seen or that my perspective or opinions don’t matter.
I am worthy of being seen.
When I feel that in my body, my parent’s coping mechanisms when I visit them bother me less and sometimes, on a good day, observing their coping mechanisms simply connects me to compassion in my heart and/or my sense of humor.
I am worthy of being heard.
I feel that for a moment as well. There is a lot of childhood stuff that needs some reprogramming. I don’t mean that unkindly. It is what it is. But the main thing, is that it feels good to feel those words in my body. So why not?
I imagine if I sat with the words of these phrases and felt grumpy about my upbringing and told myself people “should” (a dangerous word) have known better or done things differently, and made my feelings their fault, this whole practice would not be working as I intend.
So, if you try it out, maybe keep an eye out for that strategy as you would just be fostering the stuff that feels bad in your body rather than frequencies that are more life-enhancing.
And if you do notice grumpiness, anger, frustration, unworthiness, or powerlessness arise when you start a similar exercise, the first step is to bring some care to those feelings and hold them close to your heart. Then feel the good feeling you intended with whatever phrase you have.
It has never paid for me to intentionally bypass things.
Feel the opposite of blaming myself, and trying to please people so they will like and value me.
That ties right back into the stuff above.
As a kid, I wanted people to like me.
I still enjoy it now, but when they don’t, I am more likely to find it interesting or amusing.
This happened at an NPR booth recently where my uncle greeted someone he likes to listen to on the radio.
I think the guys in the booth could feel that I am suspicious of their news network. I wasn’t trying to feel suspicious on purpose, it is just that the chart that shows who owns all the news organizations was appearing in my mind as they were speaking (and pretty much one or two people own all of them, so they don’t seems that independent to me anymore).
Those two guys weren’t as friendly towards me as media people have been in El Salvador, which makes sense as I wasn’t exactly bubbling with enthusiasm either.
I didn’t take it personally. I just found it interesting and came to the conclusion I listed above. They were responding to my own feelings.
People sometimes are more sensitive than I think.
Feel the opposite of blaming myself, and trying to please people so they will like and value me.
Next:
Feel being valued, and being valued by my guides at this hotel.
Well, I added that phrase a few weeks ago. I don’t think I need the “at this hotel” part anymore and at the time, I was feeling some tension with a woman at the hotel where I was staying.
“Would you like me to clean your room?” she asked.
“Yes, please.”
“Would you like me to change your sheets?”
Me, to myself: “I am here for a week. Why is she asking me this? She seems averse to cleaning.”
“No, that’s ok. The sheets are fine.”
“Would you like me to clean the bathroom?” she continued…
(The whole conversation had started because I had asked for an extra roll of toilet paper, and I had to use google translate as she seemed to struggle with my Spanish and efforts to mime what a roll of toilet paper was).
“Yes, please.”
That’s when I added that phrase to my list.
Feel being valued, and being valued by my guides at this hotel.
I wasn’t feeling valued by her, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t worthy of it. And I knew my guides valued me as they are always encouraging and supportive. So why not take some time to feel that, rather than the lack of it?
Someone mentioned, “Maybe she is jealous of you Terra?”
Maybe.
I was sitting in the hotel garden working a lot on my writing and practicing yoga for a week and maybe that looked entitled to her? Honestly, I have no idea.
But people can get jealous of anything.
Which brings up a quote from my other teacher, Beverly, I often repeat to myself:
Not my stuff.
But that is how that last phrase got on my list a few weeks ago as I wasn’t feeling a frequency of care in my body, so I went ahead and offered it to myself and asked my guides for some of it as well.
Feel being valued
This is all to say that Becoming a Butterfly requires some Alchemy and for some reason, I felt inspired to give you a taste of it and to remind myself of how to do it and why it is so important for me.
Now its time for breakfast.
My eye isn’t twitching.
My uncle has just arrived back and wants to come with me.
I tell myself I am getting a bit chubby. I tell myself maybe I need to stop eating tamale’s.
But I don’t think they are a coping mechanism and I do think it is a huge practice to really feel this no matter what:
Appreciation and care for this beautiful body I get to use…that can savor things like tamales and the company of humorous uncles.
I love and value my body.
All of this is a practice.
Until next week…
Blessings on your journey.
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