What does it mean to be a Queen or King? Care and Respect. I wanted to feel them both coming to me...

Yet the external experience seems to require all the internal "self" things. Self-love. Self-care. Discernment. Honesty. Integrity. Compassion. Then add a dash of practice opportunities. Let's dive in

Pre-party photo thanks to Reynaldo

Let’s start with a pink rose.

There is a delicate pink rose next to me in a tiny glass jar I saved that used to hold a fresh Elixir Juice Company turmeric shot.

Reynaldo, the owner of this property, came with some of his new acquaintances to Mizata with me to advise me on future potential uses for land I purchased there. Reynaldo plans to purchase a dome from two of the men who build them in Guatemala and install it here near the stream on his El Zonte property as a haven of peace and quiet for the digital nomads and meditators who come.

The two men were going to stop by my property on their way home and let me know if they thought my land would be a good location for one of their high-end Glamping projects.

After exploring the property together, they offered to show me their resort in Guatemala and write up a proposal for me to do something similar on my land. After they left, Reynaldo and I prepared to drive back to El Zonte.

Carlos, (caretaker, cow herder, nursery-owner, and young father) and I on my Mizata Property, photo credit Reynaldo

On the way out of Mizata, we passed the small nursery owned by Carlos, the young man who grazes his cows on my land. As we called out a hello to Carlos through the car window, I wished I was ready to landscape and purchase some trees from him. I had mentioned it to him and then I realized it didn’t feel like the right time yet…

I was worried I might miss the rainy season and Reynaldo assured me that I didn’t have to hurry. Since Reynaldo used to work with the head landscaper at Disneyland and has made his El Zonte property into an artful oasis of greenery, I trusted he knew what he was telling me.

There were rows of rosebushes near the car and Reynaldo heard me exclaim my admiration tinged with a hint of regret that I was not buying anything. He asked Carlos how much they cost.

“$2.50,” he replied in Spanish.

So Reynaldo told me to go pick one out, to take back with me.

It was not easy to choose.

There were so many beautiful colors. A bright purple, a lilac, one that was orange with a dusting of red on the tips of the leaves... Reynaldo stayed in the car as I settled on the one at the end of the row, a soft pink.

We got back to El Zonte and Reynaldo asked Raul, the gardener here, to put it in a pot on my porch for me.

The next day, it remained sitting on my porch in the black fabric container its roots were nestled in. It was hot on the tile and I worried about it a bit.

I saw Raul and asked if he had found a pot for it?

Raul always answers me in a version of charades combined with rapid Spanish. I discerned there was no pot here for it after all, but he planned to go across the street to his house and get one of his for me.

Since Raul makes $15 a day for a lot of hard work, a gift of a pot felt very caring.

Soon, he appeared with a wire basket lined with grass clippings and planted the rose in its new nest. I looked at the finished product a little skeptically as the wire structure was not very tall. But I knew Raul was good at gardening.

He motioned for me get some water for it from my sink. One flower dangled on a partly bent stem. That is the one I picked that is so happy now, sitting next to me.

Later, he added bits of ice plant sprigs with purple flowers to the earth around it. “Más color,” said my generous artist-gardener (more color). I was grateful.

Which is why I am so touched by this little rose that smiles at me now, from its tiny jar on my desk.

I feel the energy of care, flowing to me in soft, pink petals. Care from Reynaldo who purchased a rose bush for me on an impulse. Care from Raul who provided a pot and planted it with his own loving additions.

Roses remind me of Mother Mary and Magdalene energy.

When my ex-husband passed away, I found a tiny white rose on the sidewalk in front of me. It felt like a message of comfort and care then as well.

Every morning, for a number of weeks now, I spend time feeling the energy of care softly flowing around my body. I remember my grandparent’s and use the feeling from them as a reference.

I also feel the frequency of fun. It tingles in my belly.

This is how I start my day.

I do that because I am learning that what I experience emotionally and physically is more of a choice than I used to think.

I consciously create these energetic channels by feeling them.

And these practices have been working.

Except when God challenges me.

And God always challenges me.

I think the point of the challenges are to increase my capacity and the strength of what I am doing. It is good to test things, if you know what I mean? So God sends these gifts to teach me. I know they are gifts and opportunities. And now I also know it is not about failing or about any kind of grade. I am learning through experiencing things. When they don’t go well, I am learning. When they go smoothly, I learn then as well.

And you, dear reader, I believe are just like me.

Those challenges in your life are not punishments.

You are not getting things right or wrong.

You are simply experiencing and growing, just like my little rose plant outside. And one of the most challenging things is to see yourself like that and to add a little ice plant to your pot out of love. You are worthy.

That whole success/likes/fame/important-to-other-people/valued outwardly is just a game. What matters is if you’re happy? And the interesting thing is that I am learning to be.

Does that mean that for my 22 years of married life where I questioned and struggled and tried so hard, I should give myself a grade of “C” for taking a long time to find my base and figure out how to express my needs?

No, it does not.

The plants that have to struggle the longest and hardest, and survive, have the deepest roots.

Just saying.

And yes, I am speaking to you and not just talking about me.

You may be suffering right now. Don’t forget that you are learning. There is no suffering that pays no dividends. I just don’t believe it is possible.

I find myself often contemplating Christ lately. Honestly, I have not come to terms with what I see and feel he experienced and why. But that he was able to say, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do,” in the midst of so much pain, feels like a tree that speaks with roots that go to a great depth. Even though I have not yet reached that capacity, the tree inspires me.

So, you see…however you feel right now is ok. You are learning. And for some reason you are listening to this or reading and I am telling you how to create channels of energy in your body that can exist despite your surroundings.

The Christ-tree certainly had an unstoppable compassion channel flowing, regardless of what was occurring physically. In fact, what was happening outwardly was used as an OPPORTUNITY for the tree/soul/saint/son-of-God or whatever you wish to call that particular version of divine energy, to grow roots that were very, very deep.

That really, really touches me. I feel tears. Tears that go beyond my understanding and capacity and there is beauty in them for sure.

So, now I am going to wander back into telling you some stories. Some stories that feel messy. Some things that feel like a win. But they are all wins in the end. That is what I am learning, slowly, to see.

You don’t need to put so much pressure on yourself to succeed. Of course you need a stable foundation in life. You need security. A tree needs those roots for heaven’s sake. Any tree. Unless we are talking air plants and let’s not go there or start talking about living off ether-energy as I don’t know how to do that yet.

Let’s stick with you and how we are a lot like trees.

Last night I joined a group of Bitcoin women on Zoom. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be a good fit as they met to focus on their businesses, and it sounded fun to join a group of women who were living more out-of-the-box like me. That is the story I told myself about what it would be like. One of them is a new friend of mine and I like her a lot.

I ordered the book they were going to read on marketing and creating leads although I am quite happy with my Substack growing organically and I trust God will get it to those who would find it helpful.

I know there are people who would tell me differently.

And for now, that is enough for me.

It is strange to tell you that I feel financially abundant. I think I can say that because I know I could be happy living in a tee pee. I am less worried about how much I have. I know it is enough. And I trust more.

I quickly found the group wasn’t going to work for me and I think that knowing (between the host and me) was mutual. There were probably three people there who would have enjoyed me being in it, regardless of the issue the host saw with me.

That issue has to do with the whole lead-thing.

I am not going to advertise. Not on Facebook and Instagram. I have an aversion to them. I don’t know why. I mean, I do in my mind. I could tell you lots of things. But it is enough that I have an aversion. The last thing I am going to do is market this blog there. Eeeewww… I feel revulsion just imagining it. The energy just doesn’t work, if you get what I mean.

So, the host mentioned she would send me information for another Bitcoin/women’s/zoom group I might enjoy and we finished the meeting.

Meanwhile, one of the members and I shared our information in the chat. We subscribed to each others things, and I told myself, that maybe that was the whole reason I was there for the one night.

I am not going to join the other group meeting.

I realize I want to be on my computer less, not more. And I meet people here at the beach all the time. The last two days, when I tucked myself far away in a hidden spot, people found me. They wanted to talk to me.

The right people and situations will show up for me. I trust that.

Which brings me back to my theme. You see, a true Queen…like the good Queen in a fairy tale…or a good fairy…they are trusting. They know that things will work out. They allow things. It is the so-called “bad” ones that want to control everything. The “bad” ones that struggle with jealousy and a need for power. The good queen is happy in a garden, or on the beach. She can be just fine camping. In fact, I am imagining that she doesn’t like marketing on Facebook either. She would be busy doing other things like enjoying the fly buzzing around her curtain. Things like that. Important things. (And they are important as they have to do with Awe and loving the creation of everything).

What keeps me from living like a good Queen are old strategies. So let me wind back into the stories I have… one of which was about when I offered a theme for class to my yoga students. Those themes would turn around and look me in the face. They would show up and test me.

If I was going to talk about peace, it was almost certain some not-peaceful things would arise in my life.

I saw this happening, along with my fellow theme-loving yoga teacher friend. It seemed to be tied into some kind of divine law.

I didn’t think too much about it. But I became careful about picking those themes.

Now, I feel that when I lean towards embodying something more and living in a new frequency state, whatever is in the way will arise in my life. And also, I will have opportunities to practice embodying the new energy.

(It helps to see these little tests as interesting opportunities. It also helps to see them as simple learning experiences and not situations you get “right” or “wrong.” They are gifts of grace. You can pretend you are in the Star Trek Holodeck and the divine experience here is simply offering you situations to learn things.)

I wasn’t really thinking ahead about what I was inviting in a few mornings ago when the idea came to me that it might be interesting to include the frequency of Respect along with Care in my morning create-new-channels-in-my-energy-body practice.

But right when I had the idea, I felt the strangeness in it.

What does care and respect at the same time feel like? Where was my reference point for that?

The energy of care from my grandparents felt like it resonated with a young, sweet version of me.

But respect?

I was looking for something that felt like more of an adult frequency.

I could feel when I was young and adults, such as parents, teachers, and other authority figures like police officers, demanded what they called “Respect” from me.

That wasn’t the frequency I wanted to cultivate in my body.

I sat with my images, questions, and memories, groping for some kind of feeling that felt like care and healthy respect at the same time. It was like looking for a note on the piano, or a chord that was new and unfamiliar to me.

For a brief moment, I felt something I can only call a version of what I wanted to experience that felt nice, and also easy… I got a sense the subtle beings I ask for help from were letting me know that was what I was looking for.

Soon after, I got up and went about my day.

I think I had explored this for perhaps two days when God sent a six year old to the holodeck to teach me.

This little girl had learned to “play” with her friends by ordering them around. She was in the pool with me and was attempting the same strategy.

I wasn’t enjoying it at all.

Now, in addition to being a mother, I have also taught six year olds for a few years in my past and I like them. They are still playful and willing to try out new things. In my class, I had them meditating, going on imaginary journeys, and acting out things the way that didn’t feel good to anyone, so we could all agree on what did. It was fun. At least it was fun for me. And since I had seventeen parent volunteers in my class that first year, something I was doing was working for a lot of us. Not everything. Life is like that. You can always look back and see what was not as you would wish. But that doesn’t mean you were wrong or got a ““C”. It means you did what you did then, and now you might do things a little differently. And some things you would do again and again because they worked great. That is learning. That is the whole Butterfly thing…male and female…badass and delicate all at the same time.

Here in the pool, many years later, the little six year old in front of me wasn’t a student in my class. Her mother was nearby and like other mothers I have seen, did not object to this type of play. I believe in her eyes, I was doing well with her daughter as she had already told me the little girl was slow to talk to new people. And she was certainly talking to me.

The little girl (who spoke at least three languages) looked over at her mother and asked her how to say, “old lady” in English. Her mother responded without a second thought and the daughter immediately began to refer to me with those words.

It did not feel good to me. Yet, I also saw the innocence in it all. She was behaving the way she had learned from her friends. I knew this was a practice opportunity for me. But I wasn’t quite sure how to handle it.

A few moments later, she announced she was “The Queen.”

That is when it happened.

That is when something registered that was new, and a gift for me.

Because when she said it, I wondered about Queenly energy? What did that feel like?

And I was back in my morning meditation practice looking for a frequency.

Care.

It would have care in it.

And respect.

Except the kind of Queen I would want to be or interact with, would already be caring and wise. The respect for her would come naturally.

I started to teach the little girl about Queen energy and from then on, things improved.

I also told her when I was not enjoying something and demonstrated that I was willing and content to spend time on my own in the pool, simply swimming. She was enjoying playing with me so adjustments were made, sometimes with a little resistance (resistance to change seems to be a fairly normal thing).

She wanted to keep playing with me.

But eventually I was ready to do some other things and as I was heading to my house she came over to say goodbye. She told her mother my eyes looked like her grandmother’s. And I could feel that she liked this grandmother. There was no unkind “old lady” frequency in the words. She liked me. I had taught her and she had helped me learn about Queen energy. And at the same time, I got to experience it.

But don’t think all that was not challenging. It was. At the same time, I considered it an interesting learning opportunity and since I am judging the outcome of such opportunities less, they are less troubling for me.

Now I had a reference for serene, Queenly frequencies I could explore as I wondered about the combination of care and respect, when it comes to energy.

The third scene I experienced this week that gave me a sample of that divine energy I am learning to embody happened quite unexpectedly at a party at Bitcoin Mansion.

This is slightly funny as I type this as I realize I am discussing care and respect, combined with a feeling of royalty and here I am taking you to a Mansion with me.

I had never been to this Mansion before and I was quite excited to be invited. An acquaintance organized a high-end retreat for people who wanted to come to El Salvador to learn more about the country. He invited local guests to join all of them on the anniversary of El Salvador adopting Bitcoin.

The invitation requested that one arrive “dressy.”

I have enjoyed dressing up since I was six years old, which is an age that seems to be a theme today. I will dress up in anything for fun. That invitation was simply an excuse for a shopping opportunity.

I found a dress and wrap at a stall at the Telluride Mushroom Festival that I loved. I would have tried harder to talk myself out of purchasing them as I am still in a living-mostly-out-of-suitcases situation. But I had been invited to a Mansion. Hmmm…

The decision was pretty easy.

The evening arrived and I put on my new outfit. My friend, Mafer, who is in her early 20s and is a fashion designer, had asked me to send her photos of me in my new outfit. So I asked Reynaldo if he would take a few pictures of me to send her before I left.

In addition to being a property developer and landscape artist, Reynaldo is an enthusiastic and adept photographer.

My taxi was 45 minutes late, and Reynaldo used the time to alternate between the two large cameras dangling from his neck while he exclaimed about my outfit and the stunning scenery here. I was definitely having fun and feeling a lot of care coming my way.

(Except for the late taxi, but I wasn’t going to focus on that…and that is key…that is the choice piece. You see, I could have focused on the late taxi and I could have fostered frequencies of frustration in my body. But I am starting to learn that I can choose how I feel. It is not about ignoring the energy of frustration. It is simply about cultivating and feeding what I want. So when frustration appears, I add a dose of delight and my state shifts. I don’t shove frustration away or bypass it, but it morphs itself to make some room. I use some alchemy. That is what I have been practicing. So instead of being grumpy, I embraced the fun of being the subject of a photo shoot…which is another opportunity to love myself as I age and to embody beauty.)

The taxi eventually came and a few minutes later, I arrived at the Mansion and almost immediately saw one of my favorite YouTubers, who makes videos about Bitcoin. My outfit and I posed with him and his girlfriend, who he refers to frequently in his videos as “Producer Pam.”

Producer Pam (who my friend Mafer told me she knows from fashion design school), me and Luke Mikic

The evening had started smashingly.

I greeted some people I recognized and then took some photos of the stunning location and scenery.

Bitcoin Mansion, El Salvador

At one point, I found myself standing alone. I glanced at the people around me who were sitting in small groups. The old me would have tried to go fit into one of them. But that would have felt just like it sounds. It would have felt like “trying” so I wouldn’t be alone. So I wouldn’t stand out, or feel unloved or unworthy. I didn’t want to go “try” to be with people to avoid feeling those things. I made a choice to behave differently. What sounded fun to me? Well, walking around looking at things and exploring felt better than anything else I could see.

My “fun” energy channels have had weeks of morning practice to allow them to flow more freely and it was working. I was pushing an edge to start to wander alone. I could feel the part of me, the old part of me, that would be in the, “I-am-standing-out-like-a-sore-thumb-and-no-one-wants-to-be-with-me,” disempowering frequencies of self-consciousness and victim-hood. But I didn’t feed that feeling. I fed the part of me that was hunting for fun and adventure by following that impulse instead.

There were people there who had been hired to entertain guests like me. As I started wandering, they spied me and hooked me like the fish I was. The bait was a multicolored light on the ground.

“What is that?” I asked.

“Want to try it out?” a smiling young woman replied. “You just stand on it and we make a video while it spins and send it to your phone.”

This was their job and I seemed to be the only available person for the activity at the moment. They were more than happy to use me to grease the wheels and get things going.

“Sure,” I said.

I looked over and saw a young cyber security expert I had just met a few minutes before.

“Want to be in this video with me?” I asked.

I don’t know why he said yes, but he did. Soon, we were both spinning in a circle with a camera on some kind of a moving tripod circling us while music played and a machine blew bubbles towards us.

I danced and wondered what he was thinking as it was rather close on the small platform…

The whole thing was done in less than a minute and I looked at him slightly worried and joked that he would now never forget me.

He told me he would have remembered me anyway. That felt very sweet.

I kept watching the video on repeat and laughing as it really struck me as funny. Both of us had said “yes” to something and peals of laughter fit the experience perfectly.

The videographers were suddenly in demand and a line started to form with other willing guests. They saw an opportunity with me and decided to send me on to instigate the guest’s participation in other free activities.

I was directed to a door up some stairs and told I could have my photo taken “for free” and receive a printed copy.

I figured I didn’t have anything to lose, so I headed on to the next adventure and soon had a printed and airdropped copy of my memento photo.

I told myself my morning practice was really paying off. I could have tried to go fit into some group of people out of insecurity and instead I had a new photo and dance video. Score a win for me.

Soon, the speakers were ready and I made my way towards the chairs in front of the stage, that were already full to capacity.

Michael Ruiz and his partner, who started Sovereignty Studios and hosted the event

Max Keiser, Bitcoin advisor to President Bukele along with his wife, Stacy

But I spied a small bench off to the side with a space next to someone. I had to crawl over a few people to get to the empty spot, and it seemed worth the effort to me as I didn’t want to stand in the back for what I imagined might be more than an hour.

A tall, handsome man dressed in black scooted over for me. Based on how he looked and felt, I decided he was either a superhero or a spy. In between speakers, I asked him what he did and he told me he worked for the government and was sent to these types of events to keep a pulse on things.

At that point, I put him into a likely “relative-of-the-President” category and had let go of my spy theory.

Later, after “friending” him on X, I saw this photo. I don’t think my intuition was that far off. They look like they could be related to me (although I don’t think they are), and they certainly know each other.

@HerbertEsmahan

I figured if I was sitting next to someone in the government, I had an opportunity to offer up my new idea for this country. The idea came to me after my week at the Telluride Mushroom Festival.

I thought that if El Salvador was going to lead the way with Bitcoin and medical freedom legislation, it would be really great if they offered legalized psilocybin and other psychedelics to people. I imagined the country as a haven for heroin addicts to come take ibogaine safely, for people to microdose to treat depression, and to do deep personal work in retreat centers that met standards for safety and integrity.

I told him my idea and he asked me if I knew Dr. Jack Kruse and the medical freedom legislation that was being crafted for the country. (I knew of both things).

The next speaker came on the stage and neither of us was listening anymore. I told him about the Mushroom Festival, my study of addiction and recovery, and psychedelics.

And he listened to me intently.

Now, looking back, I would say he listened with care and respect for me. He looked at me like I was Queenly in the best way. He seemed to really see me.

If I picked one moment at the party that meant the most to me, it was that and the following:

He responded thoughtfully to my suggestion.

“Well, I think something like that would fit with the medical freedom legislation that they are working on. But Terra, we have to go at the speed of the people in this country. We have to respect what they are ready for. I think this could work if it was done with medical oversight. Something like that.”

I heard him. But more than that, I felt the energy of his words when he said this:

we have to go at the speed of the people in this country

He was really thinking about what was best for the people who lived here. It was royal energy. And he was showing it to me.

Respect and care.

They feel like mature frequencies when they are combined. This time they came from the masculine, so I will call them Kingly.

Now let’s talk about Rockstar and circle back to getting old.

If I want to feel the energy of respect combined with care, in a nonviolent frequency, then there are a lot of things for me to learn to embody.

First, I have to be honest and ask for what I want and need.

It seems so easy.

But after years of tip toeing around people and their feelings, this is still a learning process for me.

When I practice with Sandra, it feels best when I say what I want and feel as clearly and simply as I can. The moment I start to justify my feelings or evaluate why I don’t want to do something, the more the energy of it all starts to get messy. The soup thickens around me.

But if I say something simple like, “I don’t want to come anymore,” and I mean it, without judgement or blame, it feels nice. If feels Queenly.

If I say, “I don’t want to come anymore because…,” I step into a minefield. I speak from my viewpoint of things, which is valid and never all encompassing.

So, this is one of my new practices. The practice is to feel what I want and need and speak it, in as few words, without blame, as I can.

“I am going to go find a table” (when the person speaking to me at the counter in the restaurant starts to feel like he is attacking me).

Simple.

Clean.

Queenly.

When my workout with Kevin is no longer what it used to be, it is ok for me to simply decide, “I don’t want to go anymore.”

I don’t have to fix him.

I don’t have to change him or ask why he is no longer showing up and coaching me the way he used to.

I don’t have to blame him or any situation I imagine I see.

I can simply feel what I want and if I am getting it. If I am not, then, “I don’t want to go anymore.” And I don’t have to.

It can be that easy.

I met Rockstar at an event called Nostr in Costa Rica. Nostr seems as profoundly powerful in its world-changing potential to me as Bitcoin.

I heard about Nostr randomly on a shuttle bus (except I don’t think it was random at all). Some young men told me about an upcoming event at the retreat center in Uvita I had just left. Something inside told me to attend. If I was a magnet, I would have been sliding across the earth towards the event even if I tried to stay stationary.

Through divine Grace, guidance, or because of God’s bigger plan, I found a way to attend the sold-out event that included speakers like Rockstar and Jack Dorsey.

I met developers that inspired me so much with their drive to create technology to support people in living life more like a mycelial network than ever before.

Nostr means “notes and other stuff” and it is a way for people to own and custody their own personal information. It is a way to assure freedom of speech.

At one point, I was graced to wander along a jungle path on the grounds of the retreat center with Rockstar, who I had grown to admire over the few days I had known him. He asked me about myself.

Then he called me “Matriarch”. Not, “a matriarch.” No, he called me, “Matriarch,” like it was my name.

I felt insulted and annoyed.

One of my goals over the past few years is to learn to age gracefully and to love and embrace my beauty through the whole process.

But this was too much.

I fought back and criticized him for choosing to call himself “Rockstar.”

I pointed out that it sounded a bit egotistical.

My reactivity to his comment was strong.

Undaunted, as a Kingly agent of change, he observed my response and said, “You think that sounds old don’t you?”

“Yes it does!” I snapped.

Sure I was at this retreat center. And sure I was in my 50s and older than almost everyone around me. But I didn’t feel old. I felt beautiful. I was swimming naked in the river. I was ecstatic dancing at Dance Church on Sundays.

I had no idea why I had obtained the Grace to attend this event, which felt energetically tremendously important to me and world-changing despite it being mostly under-the-radar for many people at the time.

I had told him I felt lucky to be there. I had told him I didn’t know why I was there, but it had felt like I was called.

He told me he had been watching me. He told me he saw me like a butterfly, flittering here and there talking to people. He told me that I was making a difference. That my little chats with people mattered. That my energy mattered. That I was wise and powerful and like it or not, I was the Matriarch at the event and he was calling me out.

He was calling me a Queen.

He told me I was wise.

That all the classes and life experiences I had had left me with knowledge that people, younger people, cared to hear.

Then he asked about the book I hadn’t published. He told me he wouldn’t speak to me again unless I put it out by December.

Later in the year, he checked on me.

It still isn’t published. But I am writing here. And he knows. He has responded to me a few times when I texted despite December passing.

And in that moment as we strolled through the trees, and I had to swallow my pride and my reactivity, I realized that he was right. It was absurd to show up and pretend I had nothing to offer. Wisdom comes from living. I had done a lot of living. More than many people there. Sometimes, I could see them more than they could see themselves, just like Rockstar was seeing me as a glorious Matriarch. He wasn’t calling me old. But he was including the years and experiences I had under my belt. He was honoring me.

So, my little musing during my meditation about what it would feel like to feel care and respect directed my way? Well, that was big ask.

True respect does not come from fear. It comes from a place of trust. It comes from feeling better around a person and more relaxed than one usually feels. It comes from a place of Queenly or Kingly power in a way that is not usually seen.

And to be that, receive that, and offer that, one has to be true to oneself.

I have to say what I want and need with no excuses. With no blame.

I have to love myself relentlessly despite what anyone says, does, or throws my way.

I have to allow myself to walk away from people or hold them to a higher standard sometimes and not force myself to continue to relate to them and justify it as a “practice opportunity.”

At one point, during that call with the group of Bitcoin-loving business women the host asked a question for everyone to answer to finish our time together.

“What do you feel is your greatest obstacle right now?”

And it was funny.

It was funny as I could feel that truly, I did not fit in this group and that life has transformed tremendously for me over these past few years.

I have faced obstacles.

The Holodeck can at times be overwhelming.

And my honest answer to that question was, “Nothing.”

I am happy learning to be a Queen. But just because it is a process doesn’t feel like an obstacle.

Life feels like an adventure now to me. Most of the time I find it interesting.

I have met Rockstar, and people who advise the President here.

I have swum naked in my 50s.

I saw a woman yesterday on the beach. I always feel a tiny bit uncomfortable when I see her. Our communication has never gone smoothly and it feels like she does not like me.

That does not mean her feelings have anything to do with me. Just that I believe she views me through the soup surrounding her and through that soup, she finds me irritating.

She was on the beach I like to go to, that is almost always empty.

When she saw me coming, she started to leave.

“How are you?” I asked. “Are things going well?”

“I am not attached to how things are going,” she replied.

Hmmm….

Ok.

I don’t think I am either, but I imagine she sees things differently. To me, she sounded unhappy. I am not attached to being unhappy and I am sometimes. Sometimes things are tough and I will write about them or ask people I admire to advise me.

But her response left me with nothing to say in return.

And that’s ok.

That is another opportunity to practice what I am learning.

I have told God and the universe I want to experience more care and respect coming towards me. And it is.

Except for times it is not.

And would that ruffle a true Queen?

Would she blame the person in front of her for projecting their feelings or seeing her in a way that feels wrong somehow?

Or would she take a breath, love who she is, remember Christ who said, “Father forgive them, they know not what they do,” and realize that Queens, or Kings, or anyone, will never be seen or liked by everyone. They, I, will never be fully understood by anyone, including myself.

The most I can do, the most you can do, is to love ourselves relentlessly. To honor our feelings and what we want and need without blaming anyone. To go on the Holodeck and engage with whatever shows up, with curiosity. Sometimes, it might be a beach, with huge waves that crash up in frothy foam over ten feet high as we marvel at their power and beauty.

Sometimes it might be a six year old who calls us names and the names morph into care and beauty.

Sometimes, it is a Holodeck that changes so much, there is nothing to do but feel one’s roots and find a stable point somewhere to gaze (even if it is internally) and focus until there is some stability in the field again.

We are all on this journey.

And combining respect with care internally and then externally…well that is going to be a process for me.

Maybe before I reach 60?

and it is 12:12 as I complete things here for you, so…for us both:

There are a few guided audios I made for my paid subscribers to assist in feeling and growing frequency states in one’s body here and here.

Here are some quotes from my guided writing that feel relevant to this topic, that I hope you may find useful:

See it as their pain. It is not yours… The response is to not push back and simply hold your center, your truth, and own your authority my darling.

—from Guided Writing

This is a planet of learning and you came here to learn and experience it…

Sometimes…when you feel you have not reached a standard your mind wishes to achieve, you feel you have failed.

But these are some of your greatest moments Dear One. They are not mistakes. They allow you reference points. They are experiences my darling from which you grow simply by experiencing them.

…They show you the way…You find the way by feeling it. By trying things. By doing your best and by what you call, “responding badly.”

When you react to someone my darling, there is a reason for it. You are learning my dear and you cannot learn if people do not show up to challenge you.

These are the gifts they bring…

Do not see your responses or so-called choices as right or wrong. See them as experiences and learn from them my darling.

As you are.

—from Guided Writing