When you feel nervous, it might not be a bad thing. Let's talk about being naked, receiving love, and diving into an altered state again

The morning before I take more mushrooms, this time on my own

Photo by Brad, Westview Studio, Costa Rica

I have been checking my inner compass, which means putting my hands out in front of me and feeling the energy of two choices. I put a choice in each hand and check. Does my energy feel pulled towards one of them? How strong is the pull?

This time the first of my two choices is to enjoy my last fully open, unscheduled day at this retreat center. Maybe do some yoga by the river, some open eyed mediation, get a nice meal, and savor the beauty? This choice is edgy in it’s own way as part of me always feels I need to accomplish something. My mind tells me I could be editing some drafts. It tells me I could feel more deeply into recent messages from God. I could figure out my life. You know. The mind has so many seemingly incredibly imperative choices. Anything but simply settle and just be for a day. Anything but that.

Yesterday I purchased more mushrooms from Clem. I have a family member with cancer who seemed to dip a toe into the water of a potential journey when I mentioned it. And choosing such a gift is a process sometimes, in countries where psychedelic journeys are categorized as heroin or crack and pharmaceutical drugs with all their side effects are considered the “safe” path.

The world is so confusing at times. Or confusion is there to be navigated. One way for me is to use my inner compass. I will get back to that soon and what the option was that I had sitting in my other hand.

But first, let’s talk about Brad.

Brad is a photographer I hired, at the suggestion of my new guide, Alex. Alex just started writing on Substack after I introduced him to the platform. He has courses, funnels, a big following…all things I have avoided. I first met him in a coffee shop. I noticed the tattoo of a tree on his arm with a big heart in the middle. I noticed dark brown kind eyes, with a humorous depth and twinkle that spoke of much more than the obvious. I didn’t know it in that moment, but I had just discovered my next mentor. I hired him a few weeks later to work with me one on one.

Alex describes what I signed up for as: Unleashing and Mastering Your Creative Power. His first suggestion was that I hire a professional photographer for a photo shoot and to use the images with what I create. He felt it would be more inspiring. Then he told me about a photographer named Brad. The same Brad I wrote about last week who played singing bowls to my mandala.

Some of these things I know I am repeating in these different drafts-that-may-become-posts and I think that is ok. I like to be reminded of things. I like it when things overlap a bit like the vesica piscis when two circles come together.

I knew the photo shoot would be good for me. I knew it would be edgy. To stand in my best version of my authenticity and express it for a man behind a camera and not get caught in how I think I look, how I have been programmed to think I should look…to really go to places and feel, authentically feel things and show him that authenticity. Then put those photos at the top of these posts. Well, it was edgy.

I took my clothes off for some of the photos. He hugged me while I was naked and he was dressed. He seemed stunned by how it was going, this photo shoot.

I looked at the photos later. He was right, they were stunning. And I am 57 and aging. It is not a hidden thing. I told him I wanted to learn and really embrace the beauty, inward and outward, of every moment of my life. I wanted to be freed from what I had been taught. That some kinds of beauty were good. The beauty of babies, or puppies. The beauty of a tender, green, unfurling shoot or blade of grass. A mushroom sprouting up. Young women, photo shopped in magazines.

I wanted to own and feel the beauty of my physical container every step of the way. And now, at 57 years old, more people are younger than me than older. I am still getting used to that. I am easing into owning what Alex tells me I am: an elder. A wise woman who has some life experience to share, maybe even some insight for people that desire it and are ready to hear what I might offer.

So Brad took stunning photos of me and I allowed myself to feel. To really feel God, a tree, the ocean, my joy or grief….as he took them.

One was a view from the back. A large vulture was in front of me spreading it’s wings. I think the wingspan was around 5 or 6 feet. I knew the vulture was not there by chance. I spread my arms as I sat naked on a living rock in the middle of a dancing waterfall and Brad’s camera clicked. He was an artist and art was happening.

Then he sent me the photos. He texted me a couple and I was in shock. It just couldn’t be me, but it was. But it didn’t feel like me.

Then he sent the rest of them. 175 photos. I was excited to see the one with the vulture. I knew how magical it felt to be sitting on a rock naked, looking at it, dancing with it, while he was taking pictures. I could feel his excitement to capture such an amazing moment.

Then all the pictures came and I saw it.

And my mind, my mind that has been wired and shaped like clay, looked at this beautiful photo and said, “Terra, the skin on your back is getting saggy.” Well, yes, yes it is. That is natural isn’t it? Why is that also not beauty? To Brad, younger than me, I think it was just fine. I don’t think he even considered it as he certainly didn’t photo shop it into young, taught, smoothness. But for me, it is still a little hard to accept, embrace, and feel, really feel, beautiful about it.

Now let’s get back to that other hand. You know the one. The one with the other choice in it.

After my photo session with Brad the day before, I was seriously considering my first choice, of just enjoying a beautiful day at the retreat center and savoring it.

My second choice was to take more mushrooms.

Why would I do this? The last ones I took, combined with my unconscious over-imbibing of cacao had really kicked my ass. They had been a gift and it was a lot.

I had asked God to show me what love was, and I got a big, powerful answer.

But now, now I know that this is a multi-faceted quest I am on when it comes to love.

I am looking to put my work out more, maybe complete my book. And for that to really happen, I need to learn to receive. I need to learn to trust (and when not to), to take love in. To allow myself to be valued and seen as beautiful by some…but first to really be able to do this for myself. I need to learn to love sagging skin, and sparkling eyes, and photos that feel so amazing they can’t be of me. How can they be me?

I wanted to be able to see what might be in the way of me receiving love and fully taking it in. I wanted to see myself with less judgement.

So I met with Clem. The energy in my hands suggested I go with the mushroom option. Clem stopped by my casita and snuggled up on my bed to discuss it with me. My bed serves two purposes as the only other furniture in my casita is a small desk with chair and a stool at a small kitchen counter. So, my bed is a Turkish couch for guests when it is not serving me as a place to rest.

First, Clem leaned back against a pillow, extended her legs, and told me a story. (Petite Clem fits easily on my bed). I won’t repeat her personal story but it involved her own journey with mushrooms and how it related to unconditional love. She cried when she told it. It was about something I didn’t feel I could have done myself. But she did it. She did it because the mushrooms had taught her something.

I wanted to do something like that. Clem felt I was ready again. So…

Clem and I picked two different varieties together from a list she had that looked a lot like a magical menu of transformational potions. This time we picked two beautiful cardboard packets, with mushroom infused chocolate squares hidden within like little/big, loving, ass-kicking, mind-blowing gifts. One is called Golden Teacher and the other is called Mazatec. The outside of each package was embossed in beautiful metallic letters, one gold and the other red. Somehow, I think these two varieties may work together to help me love myself more. I think they may allow me to really receive in a variety of ways and take in abundance, acceptance, and care. Giving is easier for me. Just how I have been wired. But I know I need to learn to receive.

I always struggle to include the support of my ancestors, when I am in workshops or ceremonies where there is the invitation to include them. I have relatives I love very much, who have been there for me when I really needed them. But my ancestral field in general challenges me. I have worked on my resistance to no avail. People have explained why I “should” find it useful and “should” never helps things to change.

There is energy there I am told, that is a gift. Well, I have been very averse to receive it.

So, off I go…to eat a good breakfast. I think I will have an omelette as I am hungry and perhaps it will feed my brain, which was sore after my last little “trip.” Then I shall get some fresh juices and snacks to have in the fridge and I will gather my courage and sit with two squares of chocolate in my little room.

Mazatec is said to be “an introduction to an ancestral spiritual experience” and Golden Teachers are “a well-know classic” that mark the middle way. I hope they hold hands together and guide me in this with a lot of gentleness and kindness. It is not easy to be beautiful sometimes, to be loved, to see myself as love-worthy, or love-ly. It is very hard to allow myself to be paid for my gifts.

(We’ll be exploring that soon in some posts around money and financial abundance, so buckle your seat belts for that upcoming ride).

Brad is here for an Authentic Relating class. He said he would come check on me on his break. Even when I feel alone, and I am physically alone, I really am not.

And I shall see what the mushrooms and God can teach me about receiving love, and trust, and embracing my beauty…all aspects of it.

I imagine I may have to face what is in the way of all of that.

Well, that makes the omelette sound even more important. At least I will be fed first. I will get myself some juices to have in the fridge. Some snacks. Some fresh ginger, lemon, and turmeric shots to help my body digest these mushroom gifts. And thinking about this now, it feels a lot like self-care and love doesn’t it? So I guess my journey today has already started…

Here is the actual photo that triggered my judgement of the skin on my back…no paywall yet but only those of you who read this far get to see it.

Please don’t judge me for my judgement. This is a process and I am embracing it.

Part of healing self-judgment for me, has been allowing myself a naked photo shoot…with Brad. And then fucking posting it.

Photo by Brad, Westview Studio, Costa Rica

And this week, my new friend Jacqueline, from Post Post Modern, uploaded a podcast interview where I was her guest. Demi, the rockstar writer from The Starfire Codes started recommending my blog.

I saw the podcast on YouTube the minute Jacqueline posted it (it showed up in my feed by chance—and yes, I know there is no chance in that) and my mind immediately criticized my interview skills. Why didn’t I look in the camera on my computer? Why did I talk for 2 hours and 10 minutes and go off topic so much and leave Jacqueline with so much to edit? Jacqueline looked so beautiful. So together. Why did I say “like” so much? How could I go through Toastmasters and make a few videos years ago and forget all of that?

And you know what? It is fine. Wonderful even. Jacqueline is an artist and she made something incredible. The mushrooms, now taken, are doing their work. I feel gifted. Despite all my so-called “mistakes” it is authentic. It was my best in the moment and despite my mind’s judgements and self-criticism, people are enjoying it. God and Jacqueline are letting me know. Comments are coming in that are very touching. My mind will have to deal with it.

So another edge of mine…is stretched. And I am going to love myself through all of it.