You can shift overwhelm to excitement; some states are simply habits

Caterpillars can liquify ways of being that no longer serve...and emerge as butterflies. But liquefaction and transformation can take some intention and practice.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Fun.

We all want to have fun, don’t we?

Or delight.

Who doesn’t want to feel delighted?

“So, why wasn’t I?” I asked myself.

Meaning: why wasn’t I having fun and feeling delighted?

It didn’t make sense.

I had a great call with one of my financial advisors. It was a typical call where we spent the hour talking about other things than my finances. Things that interest both of us. And then when we are long overdue to finish, he always makes sure we go over what is on the agenda. Despite the fact that he gets up at 4am, has a lot of other meetings, and makes sure to allocate time for his two young children.

Four times a year, he makes time to discuss important things with me.

This time, he told me about his recent two week walk on the Camino de Santiago with his brother and father and how he felt changed by it.

I told him I decided to take this year to travel and see places that I had thought of visiting “sometime”, but somehow felt too daunting, far away, expensive, or exotic.

“You know David, people look at me and think I’m lucky. But it isn’t easy for me to travel like this. It makes me nervous. I face a lot of uncertainty.”

I said a few more things and then David stopped me.

“I just want to pause for a moment here Terra, as you said something about people thinking you are lucky. You are lucky Terra.”

I looked back at him.

Sure, he was right.

I am incredibly “lucky” I can do this.

And it is dang hard.

I listed things I have gone through in my mind silently the next day that David does not know about. I thought of him, with a wife and two children he is clearly raising with a lot of intention and care. A father and brother who it appears got along with him. “Lucky” seems like one of those comparison words that comes with the other side of the coin: “Unlucky.” If I am “Lucky” then other people have to be “Unlucky.” And that all comes from a viewpoint that emerges from seeing things from the outside, rather than through one’s personal experience.

David may have a lot of things that have been hard in his life that I don’t know about. That is likely. That is a pretty good guess regardless of who I meet. That is why I don’t usually look at others and decide if they seem lucky or unlucky to me. And probably why I prefer people not do so with me.

I have been preparing for my journey. In a few days I will set off on my own, with a couple of suitcases and a LOT of supplements and herbs so I will feel ready for anything that might come my way.

The planning had been feeling hard.

I had booked a train and bus and then a hotel. It took an afternoon to figure that out.

Then I learned I needed a car sooner than I thought and that the place I ultimately wanted to go was available only at the same time as the hotel I already booked. So I canceled it all. I won’t get the train ticket refunded. I checked. I will pick up my car at the Heathrow airport and start my journey in London, which is something I hoped to avoid. I didn’t want to drive in the city. But I told myself I can do it. To get where I want to go, I will take a breath, calm my nerves if there are any, and sally forth, city or no city.

I am leaving my uncles where I have a new routine that I have snuggled quite happily into and which is expanding to include an afternoon sunset walk on the bike path and eating omelettes I make with him. My uncle loves my omelettes and when I told him I was coming to visit, he said he couldn’t wait to see me.

It is hard to leave a situation like that.

But I am and I chose to, and I can. So I’m lucky, right?

Since I wasn’t feeling that, I wondered what was wrong with me?

What does it mean to be lucky anyway?

I am not working in a factory.

In fact, I began listing things in my head that would feel like a very “unlucky” life.

Anything that involved working inside under fluorescent lights falls into this category as that kind of lighting really makes me feel unwell. Forty to sixty hours of it a week would feel the opposite of lucky. I could be working in a factory, I told myself. It was not a happy train of thought.

But then there was that Eckhart Tolle video I watched. You know, those little YouTube clips he has? He reminded everyone that no matter what you do, life is going to CHALLENGE you.

No one gets a free pass when it comes to CHALLENGES, or as I prefer to call them: “practice opportunities in the dojo of life.”

So what about this trip and my resistance? How was my situation a practice opportunity in the dojo of life?

As I child, I grew up about forty five minutes from the beach in inland San Diego county.

But it was rare that I went there before I could drive. I have an innate love of water. My mother has an affinity for the desert. Mom said she didn’t like cleaning up all the sand and so our family trip to the beach was usually a single annual event.

So, one would think that I would anticipate those trips to the beach with a lot of joy.

But did I?

Well, I was certainly excited to go.

However, every time, the night before, I would lie on my top bunk bed with visions of JAWS, the great white shark from a movie that was popular in my childhood, eating me while I frolicked in the waves.

I struggled to fall into blissful slumber.

And despite never meeting JAWS on our annual beach excursions, I had the same fear and sleepless night every time those coveted trips to the beach approached.

(Just so you know, I never saw the movie. It seemed too scary and I had an aversion to horror movies. It was the previews in the theaters and the ads that got me. Back then, I don’t think anyone could avoid seeing images of Steven Spielberg’s terrifying mechanical shark in need of braces).

As I realized I hadn’t been actually feeling “lucky” as I planned this potentially year-long excursion, I wondered why?

I wasn’t feeling lost.

And this time, I wasn’t traveling to find a place to live. El Salvador is still the best I have found and sure, if another place that has a sense of community I would enjoy emerges on this trip, I might consider buying a small place to use as a base. But I am not traveling on a quest to find that. Not like I have been. This time, I planned to travel to sacred sites and places I was curious about, while I have the time and capacity. I figured if I am going to pay rent, I can do that on the move, so why not?

And there is a seemingly good reason that I think comes from my mind and the young part of me afraid of JAWS in answer to the question, “Why not?” A reason that says, “Take the easy path, Terra. Why don’t you just buy a condo? Stay in El Salvador. Hang out with the mitochondriacs on the beach and go to all those Bitcoin conferences? You’ve got a routine there. You’ve got Juan to drive you places. You can get a place near the park Terra. You can keep doing those three day juice cleanses that they deliver to you for almost FREE. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? TRAVEL IS HARD. YOU ARE GOING ALONE TERRA. WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS? YOU HAVE TO DRIVE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD IN ENGLAND!” (My mind does get a bit loud sometimes).

…"Plus, Terra,” (it wasn’t done yet), “you don’t have a plan for all this. You know you dislike uncertainty. You will have to keep figuring things out as you go…”

That was the kind of dialogue I had been swimming in when I decided to book a few things which I called stepping stones and wrote about last week. The dialogue was fresh and still active when David reminded me that in his eyes, and in most people’s, I am lucky.

And if I am not feeling it, the next obvious conclusion that my mind is happy to fall into is that there is something that must be wrong with me.

I was contemplating those things as I canceled the initial plans I had made and booked a rental car at the airport, which I planned to drive straight to the spring I have wanted to visit since I first heard about it.

It is a magical place called the Chalice Well wrapped in gossamer stories of King Arthur, Christian saints, and feminine energy.

The spring, a rusty red color due to the particular minerals it holds, flows from the womb of the earth birthing sacred water into fields of green grass and apple trees.

That’s where I’m starting.

They don’t allow technology in the house where I am staying on the grounds.

Which is why I am writing my post early.

I want to take advantage of setting aside other obligations and electronic devices and savor the spring before and after it is open to the public.

If I am suffering from jet lag, that’s where I plan to be. Bundled up under the stars or the chem trails in the cold. I have an umbrella too. Nothing will stop me.

That is how deep my desire has been to see this spring. It is a pilgrimage of sorts for me.

And I am going!!!!! Finally, after years of thinking about it, I am actually going!

That is when I felt a little something different.

It was a quiet thing which ran through my body like a tiny orgasmic current of energy.

I felt the fun and delight of my upcoming meeting with her in my body.

The other feelings and worries are simply habits. Habits of my mind that say in order to be safe, I need to plan for everything. Since that is impossible, my mind is happy to hold onto the steering wheel of my life and wallow in worry. It is also happy to keep me busy over planning. It loves a sense of staying in control of things, futile as it may be.

My mind tells me I need a stepping stone for everything. Every “next” hotel, flight, and country is something I should have already figured out it tells me. (My mind is a great fan of “should-ing” on me.)

When I realized what was happening, I started practicing feeling things in my body differently.

There is no reason to let my mind run the show.

Why worry?

If I look at things like Eckhart Tolle, there will be obstacles or practice opportunities no matter what I do.

If I look at things like another teacher I recently listened to does, I can learn to live in a frequency of joy and the Matrix of the world will change around me to match. Things will start to flow with ease.

Either way, why not do my best and simply let myself feel happy?

I don’t think I resonate with the word, “lucky”. Which is what I was trying to tell David.

I don’t think the world is lucky or unlucky.

It is a place of practice opportunities and soul evolution and I’m good with that.

If I told David of things that have happened to me, which I consider gifts now, he would probably have changed his mind about calling me lucky.

And then I would tell him I am.

Because I learned from those things. They are part of what I came here to experience and transform. That’s what I believe.

But I don’t think my current situation is actually lucky. It seems more to do with a state of readiness, courage despite fear (I think they go together as how can you have one without the other?), and an ever growing sense that I live in a field of love that truly does care for me.

So, yeah!!!! I am flying to Heathrow on Tuesday, on an overnight flight and on Wednesday, if God does not send me any practice opportunities that slow me down, I will be gazing into the water of the Chalice Well saying, “Hello my darling Spring. I have been waiting for a long time to meet you. I am here. I have come. Can we be friends? Thank you for waiting for me.”

Then I, technology free, will sit next to her and simply stare into her depths.

That sounds delightful, incredible, and like Grace.

All because I have said, “Yes,” to things. I have taken some risks. And I have learned I will be ok. My state of being is less about what is outside of me and more of an inside job.

I don’t have to let JAWS overtake my mind. If JAWS shows up, I can notice, offer that part of myself that feels a bit overwhelmed and uncertain some care, and remember and notice as well, that this is exactly what I want to be doing. That this trip is as close to “happy” as going to Disneyland used to be for me. (And we won’t talk about the current state of things there now, or about Walt…I am talking about the magic and delight of what it felt like there, years ago, for me.)

What if you and I practice how we want to feel and in that way, break these patterns in life that seem to play on repeat?

The first step is to simply notice them.

No need to be hard on yourself.

Sometimes, Courage, like anything else, is a process.

It’s ok to be afraid.

And it is great to feel wonderful feelings.

They are in there somewhere if you dig in deep. Sometimes they are under the carpet. Sometimes you have to sniff around a little bit.

Lots of things can make them hard to find.

But they are there and you know why I am certain of that?

Because they are Godly.

They come from love.

And if you have been reading me for a bit you know that what I see so far as the only thing that is truly real, is love energy.

So it’s there.

In you.

And in me.

Just sniff around a bit.

Sometimes, you have to access them from memory. Or from your imagination.

But if you feel them in your body, they are singing through you like a musical note, and that, is quite a beautiful thing.

Sometimes, when you find them, they may be disruptive. They may be things like, “I’m worthy.” And when you feel that, sometimes, you find that the old, familiar situation you are in that your mind is used to…well, it has to change. Then you dig up some courage and bring care to the fear, and you do what you have to do. Because if you are worthy, then love may say that you have to leave or change a situation in your life. That’s not always easy.

But…

and this sounds really crazy as I can’t imagine doing it in some of the harder moments of my life…

what if changing this could be fun too?

I will think of you at the spring.

I will drop in a wish for a blessing to head your way, whatever you would like that to be…

Blessings on your journey.

You are so lucky.

Or maybe, you are simply loved, like everybody. Like me, and David.

"There are certain geographical spots or centres where the veil is ‘thinner’ than elsewhere [that] are considered suitable for becoming spiritual and healing oases, through which Light can pass down into our human atmosphere more easily than is the case elsewhere. Such spots are nearly always situated near a spring, well or fresh running water. Chalice Well is once such centre and part of its heritage is to be able to act like a sounding board, ie whatever is thought or done there, it becomes magnified and can be carried further" Wellesley Tudor Pole

—quote from the website for The Chalice Well

Disclaimer:

The opinions and information presented on this blog are solely the author’s and do not constitute professional advice in any field, including psychology, metaphysics, finance, or psychedelics. The author is not a licensed therapist, counselor, financial advisor, or medical professional, and any advice or guidance provided is based on personal research and experience. Readers should consult qualified professionals in each respective field for personalized guidance.

By reading and using information on this blog, you acknowledge that you understand and accept these limitations, and agree to hold the author harmless for any consequences arising from your actions or decisions based on the blog’s content.

Specifically

• Any discussions of psychological or metaphysical topics are based on the author’s personal exploration and understanding, and should not be taken as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling.

• Nothing spoken of is intended as financial advice and recommendations are not provided. Readers should consult qualified financial advisors before making investment or financial decisions.

• Discussions of psychedelics and their potential uses are based on the author’s research and personal experience, and should not be taken as medical advice or a substitute for professional medical treatment.

By continuing to read and use this blog, you acknowledge that you understand and agree to these terms.