God help me. If I want to be loved, I have to learn to receive.

So why, God, are you sending me things I don't like? Hmmm?... Teach me, please...

Secret Beach, Costa Rica, photo credit of Brad, @westviewstudiocr

Me receiving love is a work in progress. I am a work in progress. I imagine it will always be so and it feels good to say that before I jump in with you here again. Because I am writing from the edge of what I am working to embody and haven’t fully managed yet. That is not the most comfortable place.

It is much more comfortable to write from my ego and to be an “expert” on things. To tell you what I think you should do and ignore whatever in me is screaming for my attention.

But I am not really good at that. I kind of like to explore those screaming places now. I have found they often have gifts for me, even if the process of looking into them makes some people uncomfortable.

Those uncomfortable people might tell you that it’s fine to feel emotions and express them.

Perfectly fine.

As long as the emotions are joy, contentment, care, happiness, or peace.

You know what I mean.

But if they are jealousy, envy, resentment, anger, unworthiness, self-pity, or grief….

Well, those are LOW frequency and less-than-evolved aren’t they? If you discover any of those in yourself, it might be better to make yourself a cup of tea. The last thing most people do is NAME them.

However, at this point in my life, I have learned to do that. I have learned to feel what arises and explore what I discover, with curiosity.

Recently I hired a new coach, Alex Buta. I am not going to call him a teacher, because I have sworn I will not follow any teachers ever again. I am going to discern things for myself now thank-you-very-much.

However, I respect Alex. I know he has something to teach me. I can feel his capacity.

Initially I hired him to help me figure out things I want to offer, in a joyful way, and monetize them.

I know I need to learn to receive. I need to learn to receive care from others, support, kindness, love, and financial abundance. Money is simply energy. I have avoided having it flow to me through directly charging people for things. Jobs with salaries are fine. I got paid for teaching children and I loved it so much, I would have done it for free. But the check that was deposited automatically into the shared bank account of my new husband and I? I had no problem with that. I never saw the statements. It was almost like not dealing with money at all.

But directly charging people for my intuitive services is hard for me. It is hard for me to not take on a sense of responsibility for how it goes for them, which sucks me right into codependent tendencies and taking responsibility for their feelings. Since that all leads to misery, I believe my subconscious has thwarted my efforts in that direction quite effectively.

I imagine I would be fine being paid for house cleaning.

And actually, I did a lot of that too. I stayed home with our two children and homeschooled them off and on, made lesson plans that I could have used for thirty children just as easily as one or two, cleaned, shopped, cooked, and stayed as fit as I could while struggling with incredible co-dependency and a lack of self-worth.

I didn’t technically get paid for that unless you consider my divorce. That was when after 22 years of marriage, my ex-husband, unwillingly divided our assets in half with me.

I suffered from financial anxiety during our marriage. He would track what I spent on groceries and criticize me for it. I felt worried about spending. I felt worried there was not enough. I suffered the same anxiety after we separated. It wasn’t really about the money. It was about the energy of fear around my sense of security and a lack of self worth and confidence in my own value.

So, that is what I am working on now, with Alex. It is time to be free of those things and time to really learn to receive the kind of trust, care and abundance that feels joyful, loving, and fun.

So, the edge I am currently working with is around learning to receive, which is really about love. But how can I receive love if I struggle so much with allowing people to pay me?

You see, after three sessions with Alex, I had a plan. I had a list of paid offerings and could feel how it would be fun to offer them. I had the price I would charge that would feel like enough for me to be happy to do it. I was ready except for one thing. The one thing that had stopped me from succeeding so many times in the past. That little glitch around enjoying and allowing people to pay me. That little glitch of feeling worthy and trusting that whatever I was doing, was enough.

I mentioned it to Alex and he seemed undaunted.

Session three is when we both felt what I call: The Block. The Block is the part of me that is tense and doesn’t want to allow care, or abundance to flow into the delicate tendrils of my energy field. The protective, rigid, stubborn, untrusting place.

Alex said something about what we were creating together. That is when I felt the familiar energy in my jaw tighten. I could feel the resistance in my body. He could feel it too. He mentioned that he thought we needed to work on that before moving forward. He told me nothing I did would be successful until I took care of it.

And I knew he was right. I wholeheartedly agreed. I had been asking multiple teachers and mentors over the years about this energetic place I could feel that was hindering me. I had tried to do things in the past despite it, and they had never worked.

I had designed websites, set up treatment rooms for clients, decorated with crystals and bottles of healing oils. I had written a book, and re-written it. I had done other things, none of which had worked because in the end, it was torture for me to market myself and charge people for my services.

It was incredibly uncomfortable to speak with confidence and tell them what I felt and saw, no matter how many times I got confirmation that my intuitive “hits” or treatments were spot on. I didn’t trust myself and I didn’t feel worthy. Now I had someone sitting with me who could feel it too and was ready to help.

We set aside our next session to focus on it.

I showed up excited and ready. Alex told me that he had a special technique to transform such things that he had been taught by subtle beings. I needed a technique. I hoped this one would work.

All I can say is that at the end of our session, Alex told me he had never worked with a client like me. He mostly listened. He facilitated me feeling and exploring what I am calling “the block” and he didn’t judge me when I cried or described feelings that most people would prefer I avoid and instead make a cup of tea.

He helpfully summarized our session. There were three energetic experiences I went through in relation to this “block” of energy. There is a place where I feel alone, but also protected. There is no receiving there. I am in a bubble. Some of you know what I am talking about.

Then there is a place where my resistance and anger reside. My mistrust. My underlying fear and disbelief that any care could actually come with simple joy and no obligation or manipulation. Maybe you know that kind of place too? I feel it in my jaw frequently and no matter how much I have attempted to include these energies, be with them, love them, and care for myself while I feel them, they feel like nothing shifts. I know this is not healthy.

Then there is a third place, that Alex suggested I feel. It was a place he mentioned I attempt to experience where there was no block. He called it Soul Energy. I was able to touch it a little. When I did, I felt expansive. I felt free and spacious and wonderful. In that energy frequency, it felt easy to receive anything abundant. There, money was simply love coming to me. And that was fine.

Alex’s original idea I think was to feel The Block and then feel the frequency state where it didn’t exist. My job would be to learn to embody that block-free frequency. But once I started exploring things and traveling through those three energetic states, Alex let go of the possibility of a quick fix.

I hired him for another month and put my business ideas on the back burner. This block is soul work for me and I really want to shift it. I didn’t feel like the times before when I had tried things and given up.

I know that for me to really let more love into my life, I have to shift the energy in the way. I also have to learn to offer things and allow people to pay me for them. The two things are related. I need to make sure my car has tires on it before I drive.

Now, when you decide you want to explore something, or work on something in yourself, I really believe the energetic field of the divine responds.

There are a few surprising things God offered to me this week.

Actually, it seems more accurate to say that there were two very blatant ways God toyed with me, out of love.

A few days ago, I decided to go swimming with fins I had brought back with me from the States. I asked the lifeguards where to go into the water as safety was of primary importance to me. Soon after, I found myself caught in a riptide and I was struggling. The four young lifeguards chatted on the beach next to the water. As I thrashed around and tried to relax as I was thrown around like a rag doll, my mind found space to wonder why they weren’t helping me? (Clearly my mind has an outstanding capacity to wonder about things while I face dire situations…I guess it is not as worried as I think it should be. I see I am judging it too.)

After I made it close enough to shore to stand up and remove my fins, I felt angry. Those fit young men didn’t even try to rescue me. Why not? One of them headed my way and tried to speak to me as I exited the water. I sputtered with fear and rage as I stalked towards him holding my yellow and blue flippers. I managed not to swear directly at him. Plus, I knew he didn’t speak English and it wouldn’t really work to spew my anger in a sticky dank mess all over his subtle body. It was tempting though. But swearing at people is just not my style. Now the ocean was another thing. I directed my comments towards the rip tide my mind had named, The Washing Machine, and I am sure he got the idea that things had not gone well.

My swim in the Washing Machine also prompted me to send my son the phone number of my friend, Suez, in case something happened to me. I also made sure he knew where the deed to the property I own here is stored.

Suez told me she knew the man who oversaw the lifeguards here and suggested we let him know what had happened. I thought that was a great idea. Those lifeguards needed to rescue people and not just stand chatting on the beach! I was working with a coach on how to receive and this is the experience God gave me? Really?!!!!

But then I learned a few more things from her. I learned that these lifeguards, unlike those in California, don’t have flotation devices to take along when they rescue people. I considered that without the proper equipment, it might be pretty unsafe for them to jump into a riptide with just anyone, especially if the person that needed help felt like they were drowning. Drowning people will push anything down so they can breathe. It isn’t personal. The fear simply takes over.

Suez also told me that the best people to rescue me in the future are surfers. They know how to read the waves and they have their flotation device with them, ready to go.

I had been avoiding swimming near surfers. I was afraid of their hard boards plowing through the water towards me with sharp fins underneath. Now I will reconsider. A good distance is wise, but swimming within view of them might not be a bad idea.

And those lifeguards who might have actually been poorly equipped and afraid to rescue me? Or maybe they simply thought I was confident and competent enough with my fins to survive The Washing Machine? Well, I am going to look into getting some floatation devices for them to use on this beach. That is a donation I would feel good about making for many reasons.

I pictured that scene in my mind, like a bird would, flying overhead. Terra is trying to learn to receive. She enters the water in her red bikini with her fins after requesting information on where to swim safely. She doesn’t notice (or ignores) the fact that people are not actually swimming much and it is really choppy and windy. She gets caught in The Washing Machine while four young lifeguards look on. She does not feel like she is being offered the care she wishes to receive.

Then Terra is angry, tired, and grumpy.

The next day, Terra learns more about lifeguarding and swimming and feels a bit more compassion. Terra has the impulse to do some giving.

Ok.

That is something isn’t it?

I think the giving thing with the sprinkle of compassion is a start and greases the wheels to receiving. And sometimes, not getting what I want can help me to feel more clearly what I do really want to feel. That’s helpful for calling it in and welcoming it when it is available.

Here is the second thing that happened soon after Alex and I prioritized working on The Block.

The next morning, after surviving The Washing Machine, I headed to Puro Surf to do some volunteer work with Autistic kids. There is a program here called Surftismo I heard about when I first arrived. I used to volunteer with people with a variety of disabilities on the ski slopes in Colorado, so this was right up my alley.

I showed up full of enthusiasm despite my lack of conversational Spanish and they gave me a red swim shirt to wear over my red bikini. It was a fun day. I and another volunteer, Tono, were paired up with a student in his early teens. Tono is a great surfer, speaks English, and used to be on TV shows here for people who like extreme sports. He is highly effusive and very funny. The three of us had an excellent time together. We hopped up and down the pool with our hands on each other’s shoulders like a bunch of celebrants at a wedding dance. Our student stood on a skateboard and we assisted him with some turns around the concrete patio. Then we got him into the ocean. Here I let Tono take over more as I was still feeling a bit afraid of the pull of the current and don’t know much about surfing. But I helped our student get on the board and cheered him on wholeheartedly. We also ran a few races together on the beach and then I hauled a surfboard up a lot of stairs to put it away and turned in my red shirt. Surftismo had taken lots of pictures and videos, I assumed for marketing, and I had smiled for the camera and posed accordingly.

Volunteering had gone well.

Later that night the guy who runs the program texted me a few group photos.

Well, that was nice.

Then he texted me a picture of a boogie board and asked me for money to buy it for the program.

That didn’t feel good to me at all.

Eventually, when he sent me his personal bank account information and suggested I send a donation to him there, I decided I was out. I felt a bit like I had the day before when I stomped out of the water away from The Washing Machine.

I was done with Surftismo. No more volunteering for me. He hadn’t appreciated anything. To him, I was simply an expat he could hit up for money. I thought of the other people I knew who were there volunteering. There were a lot of them. Some of them were new friends of mine. I was pretty sure they hadn’t gotten a text like me. I was the outsider who for whatever reason, he felt he could try to bleed.

Well I was done. Out. Finished. I loved the kids and the volunteering, but I was not a commodity. If he couldn’t see that, then his organization would not benefit from my energy.

At this point I am going to remind you about my quest, which is to learn to receive and remove whatever block I have to the flow of love, abundance, care, and money.

(I just thought we should do that as it is easy to get caught up in the energy of the story in which I was busy feeling the opposite of those things).

I wallowed in angry feelings for one day.

I swam around in resentment and wondered what I could learn from yet another situation where I was getting the opposite of what I had asked to learn about how to be loved and receive.

Then the next morning arrived. I was sitting on the beach on a shady step above some volcanic rocks, gazing out to sea. It was a peaceful place where I could talk to God whilst practicing my own form of open or closed eyed meditation.

That is when one of the techniques I have written to you about came to me and I decided to try it.

I thought, “Terra, this isn’t about the person or the organization. This is about energy. You do not want to interact with energy that sees you as a commodity that can be parasitic. Just say no to the parasitic energy.”

So I closed my eyes and I felt the energy I didn’t like. Not the guy running the program. The energy. The feeling of the thing. And out loud (as no one was nearby and it felt good to do it this way), I said simply, “No.” I didn’t yell it. I just said it firmly like you would to a young child trying to take a piece of cake off the table before dinner.

I did it a few times and then I went back to savoring the beauty of the beach.

Now, it is easy to think that something like that doesn’t do anything. That it just can’t matter that much to feel and imagine the energy of what you don’t want and say no it it. I mean, this is all unseen. But I did it anyway. By now I know better.

That night my phone beeped again. Surftismo was texting. I inwardly rolled my eyes and thought, “What now?”

The guy had sent me more photos. This time the photos were of me doing all the things I told you about. Helping the student. Running with him on the beach. Hopping in the pool like a caterpillar with friends and laughing.

He had seen me. It felt like he was honoring my value as a volunteer.

I gave myself some time to allow myself to feel which took some effort because of The Block. Then I thanked him. I also texted him that I felt it would better if he moved his requests for money into actual fundraisers. I let him put my suggestion through his own version of Google Translate as I was still resentful enough not to bother going through the process of translating my text into Spanish for him.

He texted one word back: “ok.”

So, maybe I will volunteer with them again?

But what I want you to see and for me to really get is what happened after I sat on the beach and invisibly said “no” to THE ENERGY of something that didn’t feel good to me.

Suddenly, the parasitic energy directed towards me turned into some gratitude.

That feels like a win.

That is what I want to receive.

And so, those were the challenging things from this week. But there is also a lot more love coming my way in the most unexpected packages.

My landlord, who owns a sold-out restaurant downstairs told me I was welcome to come any night they are open for dinner. I don’t need a reservation like everyone else as long as it is just me and I can sit at the counter (which is my favorite place to sit). Then he delivered a fresh piece of carrot cake to my room, which he had warmed ahead time.

Guti, the photographer who asked me to make some videos for his healing light product, also asked me for some feedback on his website. I encouraged him to share his story around why he created the light. It is a good story about his own healing journey and the passion he has put into making this product he so fervently believes can help people, just as it has helped him.

He offered to pick me up from getting my hair and makeup done in the salon so I didn’t have to have my taxi wait, and when we finished filming together, he dropped me at a mall when I said I needed to find somewhere to eat.

I am ready to shop for a car now and I noticed his when we were driving. It was nice. I asked him for the model and make. It is a 2013 turbo diesel Hyundai that he bought new. He told me it felt nice because he has taken care of it. It gets over 40 miles per gallon and seats up to seven people. The clearance underneath made me drool.

Me with Guti, talking about how to shoot the next scene with his product, photo credit of Rodrigo Gutiérrez, Guti’s brother (my affiliate coupon code for mitolux.com TERRAMITO10OFF )

This morning I asked Guti if he might consider selling it to me? He said he might be willing. That feels like a win. That would be a lot to receive. Today I walked around town to see if I could find a place to park my future car, off the street.

Alex, from Essencia Nativa, offered me a spot on his empty lot. That felt really good to me.

And the truth is, that most of the time, people smile at me. Some of the locals call me by name as I stroll to the beach in the early morning. It is beautiful here. I have friends now. The Glamping is going well.

I often feel loved and I am loving myself more.

The money from my future offerings will come. I do need to learn to charge for some things and I will. Mostly, I need to remember to zoom out and remember God is teaching me, just as I have asked.

It feels good to pay Alex, my coach, well. If I buy flotation devices for those young lifeguards, that will feel good to me too.

I will keep encouraging Guti to tell people his story so they can really feel what he is offering with his healing light product. Authenticity. That is what we all need.

Guti also texted me and asked if I would like an affiliate link to share with people. God is teaching me something around the gift and ease of that too. I would recommend his product anyway because I really like it. Now he will pay me for doing so. So he is offering me money for something I would do for free. That feels amazing.

I think it is necessary to be able to receive when I want to feel loved. Otherwise I am stuck in simply wanting. I want to actually drink tea and feel care headed my way. And I don’t want to bypass anything.

And I hope, somehow, that you too may be learning to receive and that in some way, these little explorations and stories support you. I hope this week, some love gets through any chinks in armor you may have and fills any cracks in with golden light. Then the cracks, like a kintsugi pot, are simply part of what makes you beautiful and strong. The pot that is you, and me, is ready to allow some frequencies in, that maybe didn’t feel trustable or available in the past. It happens through discernment and noticing what you don’t want, which also opens space for what you do. And maybe sometimes, a little compassion and alchemy happens in the process to loosen up those resistant places. Maybe.

This is still a process for me.