Let's talk about victim energy

You are not alone. God doesn't make sacrifices. There has always been support.

unexpected stop on the shuttle ride home, above Lake Coatepeque, with my new, wise friend and traveling companion, Mira

The title of this post came to me as I sat on the steps outside my casita, as I worked to practice what I just received in my guided writing.

Where had I felt like a victim in my life? What energy was there, waiting to be seen, held, explored and loved?

What were the emotions I thought I had worked through, evolved beyond, and didn’t need…still waiting for me to feel and heed?

And even more, what were the false beliefs that I had that were holding me back?

False belief #1:

I am alone. And because I am alone, I have done something wrong. God doesn’t love me.

Let’s talk about this one because in my opinion, it affects us all. I don’t care how great or terrible your family was. At some point in your life, you have faced something that caused you to feel alone. To feel you had to hold your experience on your own. Where you faced someone or a situation and knew that you were absolutely not met or seen.

It was a risk to start writing on Substack. I remember someone saying to me: “Terra, you just have to put things out there and let people take it in however they do. Don’t expect them to receive it the way you send it out. They won’t.”

And of course you can’t receive this exactly as I send it. You are both the same and different from me. You are your own beautiful snowflake. You are God’s prayer too, here on the Earth, unique in your beauty and your needs. What you are ready to hear or see is also unique to you.

I may say something here, and you will take it in in some way that is not at all what I imagined I sent. But if it resonates for you, if it serves you, if you grow from it or feel more love or care for yourself or others in some way, then regardless of what I think or see, energetically, a message was received.

And I keep writing.

Because I am here for that.

I have to realize that I am seen. Deeply seen. That comes in different ways. Sometimes through connection with human beings. Sometimes through nature, which is alive to me. Sometimes, many times, through my connection with subtle beings.

I am in the middle of my own movie, and everything is being orchestrated for me.

So, let me tell you a bit about where I am at in this moment, as I am hopeful that it may be of service to you. And writing to you, and learning to let go of control of how I am received, is a true gift for me. Your time reading is also energy. And I am truly touched that despite what I tell myself about the length of my posts or the messiness of the content, what I offer is being received.

Thank you.

Thank you for reading.

We are on this journey, you and I, together. Today, I am going to hold your hand, and parts of myself, and attempt to help you see that you are not alone. That you have never been. That you are loved and that there are no mistakes.

And if that is all true…

There is also no victim energy.

False belief #2 somewhere in the collective field that has also been in me:

God sacrifices people he loves.

…God does not sacrifice his/her beautiful creations my darling, of which you are one. You think you came here to help alleviate suffering. Do you not yet see that the Way, the only Way, is to do so for and within yourself?

—a message from Guided writing

How many of us are affected by the story and image of Jesus on the cross. Jesus depicted with a face of misery. Jesus as a sacrificial lamb for us “sinners” who somehow atoned for our badness through his suffering.

What?

Does that make sense?

Well, in some way, I think I believed it. Because I think at times, I have felt alone and sorry for myself. I achieved a stiff upper lip. I have a tremendous amount of capacity in various ways. I was told that when they drugged me up in the hospital without my consent a few years ago and tried to put me in a CT machine, I fought off eight men.

Don’t make me angry.

I may feel alone and I will stand up tenaciously if you push me against a wall.

And that place in me that has felt alone and unloved at times? Well, as I sat on my steps this morning I realized that yes, that place in me is still angry.

And there is victim energy in it.

How did this all start you may wonder? These musings about Jesus on the Cross and victim energy? Well, as I contemplated Jesus, I felt again the compassion he achieved. Amidst so much pain, he loved those people in front of him.

Wounded, nailed to a cross…choosing that experience…so he could authentically say: “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” Well, that is a huge achievement. That is a courageous threshold to cross. I don’t think we all need to do it that way. Just like these words and how you take them in, we all get where we are led through different and varied experiences. But that one is simply incredible to me and I am taking it in in my own way, and learning from it, and looking at it as the gift it is for me.

“Terra, can you love them where they are at?”

“Terra, can you have compassion for their journey, regardless of the pain they have caused you?”

“Terra, can you love yourself?”

(You see what I mean?)

Did Jesus die for me? Did he die for the sins of anybody? Or did he go through that because he chose to come here and achieve a frequency of love that could vibrate compassion, despite physical misery and abusive energy?

Those frequencies are reference points for all of us. They are gifts.

Your life and your journey are a gift. What you learn and how you grow gifts everybody. But that’s not why you do it. You do it because it feels good to grow. It feels good to offer yourself creatively into the world. It doesn’t matter one whit whether or not you feel received. That is victim energy.

These energetic contemplations and practices began with two things for me.

I will describe the scenes.

I am in a room where I am sleeping. It is one of the nicest rooms in which I have ever stayed. It reminds me tremendously of a castle from a fairy tale with thick walls, a comfy four poster bed, red carpet on a flagstone floor (this one had terracotta tile with a carpet), and chairs and tables that are made of leather and are soft and comforting. It is cold here and in the corner is a fireplace designed to emanate heat. It took two nights for me to figure out how to get the fire started (tiny resin filled sticks of wood are what they use here as kindling) and tonight I am successful. The fire is crackling and spitting happily in the corner.

My spacious room has big windows and I have closed the curtains to help mitigate the ever-present outdoor lights I find so many places. The house has a signed and numbered print of a famous artist that is suited in quality for a museum. There are many paintings.

Lush gardens surround me. In the morning, a friendly woman prepares breakfast and I go early, so she can teach me how she creates lovely kitchen magic in yet another new country.

So, I am outwardly in nirvana. I should be happy.

But I am not.

I am frustrated.

There is someone I am around that drains my energy and I have been exploring this. I look at such things as learning opportunities. I have asked myself if it is best to continue to practice navigating the situation, or to leave? I have tried different techniques to see if I can be around them without feeling drained and tired. So far, I am failing.

But this night, with the fire crackling, my music playing, and a deck of Tarot cards I brought along, I feel happy.

No one wants my attention.

There is no obligatory sex energy (which is part of my past and associated with fireplaces and “romantic” bedrooms). There is just me. The fire is all mine and at this point in my life, I do my best to avoid any repetition of obligatory sexual energy.

In fact, I have noticed a delightful feeling in my pelvis and lower belly lately that I attribute to creative, sexual energy. And no one is necessary. It is happening for me, alone in my room, as I quietly contemplate the Equinox in the early morning, or tonight…wonder about my energy and why I have been so drained lately.

I am not masturbating. I am not “working” to do anything. I am not trying. I am simply noticing that currently, the energy in parts of my body feels more alive. More awake and happy. Maybe this has to do with the practices I have been suggesting to you lately that I do myself…of simply sitting and feeling frequencies of fun or care in my body?

I decide to pick up my tarot deck and ask it to offer some insight for me.

My Tarot technique is unconventional. But so am I.

I usually shuffle the deck in my hands and wait until it spits some cards, or a card out, that relates to whatever I am contemplating.

In a way, my guided writing is like that. I wonder…picture things…hold my musings…and wait, listen, and ask to receive. Then I write the words that come to me.

Tonight one card falls out. I am hopeful.

This energy drain has been stumping me for a few weeks now.

The deck is unconventional. Again, like me. But I know this card. In this deck, it is called the 5 of Emotions. In more traditional decks, it would be the 5 of cups. I have attempted to use more traditional decks. I purchased the CBD Tarot de Marseille and a study book to go with it. But I didn’t get very far.

The deck I used to use every morning whilst studying with my Chi Gong teacher, Beverly, was The Witches Tarot. I have the image of the 5 of cups card from that deck memorized.

Now this new deck seems to call to me.

I looked at the card and the image.

This was my answer?

This is what they were sending me in relation to my current struggle and quest to learn to deal with a person who drained my energy?

I gazed at the image: A woman dressed in black with a tear on her cheek, amidst ice, isolated and alone.

The Muse Tarot, Chris-Anne

What did it mean?

I resorted to reading the description. It didn’t help.

I decided to wait and see if I got more insight if I simply sat with the image in my awareness for a time.

The next night I was still contemplating. I decided to resort to a technique.

I asked the deck to provide some more cards to help me.

This is a technique I had read about, not one I “used” typically. But I felt there was a message in this card for me and I wanted to understand it.

The energy drain I was feeling with the person I was with was becoming quite frustrating.

Two more cards fell out as I shuffled. One was of a figure looking at someone on a hill above them. The second was called The Hermit. I took the two cards to mean that I was asking for information outside myself (5. The Hierophant), when in fact, the answer was inside me (9. The Hermit).

The Muse Tarot, Chris-Anne

I looked again at the 5 of Emotions. Where was I feeling like this? The figure was holding a globe over her heart. Water was flowing in front of her. Perhaps I simply needed to feel what was arising and let it flow through me?

The following night, I was back in my room. A new fire was blazing with the remaining wood, and a young woman with dark brown, soft eyes gazed at the three cards with me.

“She is alone in all of them,” she said, wisely. “Look Terra. Here the figure on the hill has her face covered. All these cards feel lonely to me.”

Ahhhh….

Well….

Hmmm….

Yes.

I was suffering with this energy drain. And it was not the first time I felt myself in a situation where I was struggling and where I felt alone in my effort to manage and navigate everything.

This night the young woman was going to stay with me.

At one point, she sat across from me in a large, soft leather chair.

The difficult person had become more troubling for us both. It felt safer for her to stay with me.

I felt protective.

She looked like a cat in a warm spot.

She had made a decision to stay in my room when I offered. She was interested in learning more about me.

I found myself sharing with her, as I had done only once before with a similarly-aged young woman almost two years ago now. I shared all the things I had not included in my unpublished book and what had happened to me in what I now call in my mind, “The Divorce Years.”

She looked at me like I was wise. She listened to me talk about people in my life and how I saw them now as a gift. And we spoke of her own family and energies that play out, often so painfully.

In my mind and also through my inner compass, I had assessed our current situation and felt that the two of us were safe. If someone tried to enter, I knew I was stronger than most people think.

The young woman said yes to using the extra toothbrush I had with me and was soon asleep.

I planned to evaluate the situation in the morning and figure out the best way to leave and where to go. I hoped to do this from a more rested state.

But it was going to be one of those nights.

One of those nights when there would be no sleep.

I know I can function like this. I learned it during The Divorce Years where often, I would lie awake at times.

I think this night, I was awake as I felt a sense of protective energy in me. I was on guard, whether my mind wanted to be or not.

By 5am I figured there would be no sleep and I might as well start researching leaving the place we were staying. Everything told me to go back to El Zonte.

Around 5:30 am I texted a friend who practices yoga and meditates a lot. I was right. She was up and responded with a shuttle service she used.

By 7am, her friend had responded to me. He had no availability on the shuttles his company ran, but he called around and found one for us. We had a 10 am reservation.

My friend woke up and announced she had slept well for the first time on our trip.

Previously, when she had mentioned her struggle sleeping in her room below what I will now call “the challenging person”, I attributed it to EMF (electromagnetic energy…wifi/cellphones/ etc…). There were Sonos Speakers in the room and from past experience, I knew they could be troubling.

But now I saw things differently.

It was the person that was keeping her awake…not the speakers.

At least, that is how it appears to me now.

She and I left the castle in an Uber. Her Spanish-speaking capacity was a wonderful gift for me. We obtained an omelette to go along with two Chai teas and were soon on the shuttle, headed, I thought, on a four hour ride back to El Zonte.

My luggage was daunting as I hadn’t packed for shuttling, but she was more than willing to help me.

I had purchased rocks you see, along with cacao paste and various groceries. All had been packed that morning.

Two of the rocks were obsidian, from the volcanoes in the area. One was an oval shape with silver sparkles that looked like stars. Then there was a piece of blue volcanic glass that moved like liquid light in my hand as I rotated it and looked into its depths. The next day, we were back at the same tienda and I found a pyramid in black obsidian that called to me. Pyrite seemed like a good idea too. Beverly, my chi gong teacher, had taught me how helpful it is to balance one’s energy.

My love of stones and shopping had impacted my luggage and I had to unzip and expand my suitcase while packing.

I got all my purchases into as few bags as possible and hauled them into an Uber that showed up and looked more the size of a golf cart than a car. But the driver managed to seat belt my expanded black suitcase into the back seat and my friend shoved herself into the car next to it.

It was a little bit of a struggle to figure out where the shuttle was, so by the time we boarded, breakfast in hand, I felt a sense of relief.

There were no drink holders and the seats in some places appeared a bit rickety.

But we managed.

We were on our way home and I was clear that the person who was challenging me was best left in the rear view mirror. For the time being.

Mira

I would see them again. But I had time to decide how I would deal with things after what I hoped would be a good night’s sleep.

Let us now visit the second scene.

In this scene, I have just voiced a boundary. It is the second time in my life I have used energy in this way. The first was when I said these words:

“I want a divorce.”

At the time, they came out of my mouth and bypassed my brain. They were a response to whatever my husband had just said to me.

And they were true.

There was no going back.

It was a cliff jumping moment for me.

This time, the energy was the same.

It is funny as I can feel that now. It is a frequency that comes with the words.

This time they also were spoken without forethought. My soul responded to something. My mind would catch up later.

These words were equally brief.

My friend was sitting next to me. We had finished eating a beautiful organic meal. We were at our own table as I had removed myself from the draining person and then called over to her and offered to have her join me. She had responded gratefully.

We sat together gazing at a stunning view of a verdant green valley. Volcanic peaks sailed into the sky in the distance. Trails of mist hugged the greenery in places. A cool breeze caressed us and she shared some of her story with me.

A part of it I had asked her to save until I was done eating. It had something to do with the difficult person and I could feel that it was best I allowed myself to rest and enjoy my meal before she shared it with me.

But I had now finished my meal and seen the issue that she was dealing with. It was very troubling to me. I looked at her wise, 21 year old brown eyes, and felt protective.

The person we were discussing came over then and pointed an ever-present camera in our faces.

That is when the words came.

“No more photos,” I said.

That was it.

Three words.

But they packed a lot of energy.

The same energy the words I had said to my husband twelve years before carried.

“I want a divorce.”

“No more photos.”

Funny how words are so much more than they may seem.

The challenging person retreated.

Later, we all left together. There were four of us in total.

Challenging Person was driving.

The anger was palpable in the car.

My friend, the young-but-wise-soul, sat next to me quite contented. The boundary I had set felt just fine to her.

Meanwhile, the angry driver and triggered person on the receiving end was bothering me tremendously.

Soon, we were all wandering the streets in the city.

Angry man was in the lead.

Wise young-ling strolled calmly next to me.

“Are you doing Ok?” I asked as I wondered how she could be so calm and happy while I was not.

“Oh yes,” she responded. “You did great. You set such a good boundary. Everything feels fine now.”

Angry Man is continuing to march in front of us, blame and silent fury emanating from him with every hurried step.

“But…aren’t you uncomfortable?” I asked, as I puffed along behind the bull marching through the city.

“No, not at all,” she responded serenely. “That (and she glanced at the bull) has nothing to do with me.”

I paused then.

I had told her on the mountain some phrases that have helped me a lot. Phrases I use often that I have learned. Some from Beverly. Some from Sean.

Here they are:

This is happening for me not too me. (Sean Stephenson)

That’s interesting. (Beverly)

Not my stuff. (Beverly)

What can I learn from this? (Beverly)

I was trying to use them. I was trying to do those things.

And when I checked on how I was doing, I realized I was scared. The angry man-bull up ahead was scaring me badly.

No, I wasn’t in fear of my life. But angry men frighten me. I could feel the fear in my body.

Now, that is something else I have learned to do and I consider it a helpful thing.

Pause and check how you are doing.

How are you doing?

There was fear in me.

I have learned something else from my past years with a teacher I prefer to leave unnamed lest you are inclined to follow him…but this is also part of Internal Family Systems therapy I believe. And Family Systems therapy came from a therapist working with a family and deciding that individuals are similar in their dynamics. The therapist decided to look at people more like parts of a family.

That can all get complex and more complex than I feel is necessary.

The useful thing for me is to notice how old my emotions feel, and how old I feel, when I experience them.

This has become almost automatic for me now after practicing it for so many years.

How old do you feel, as you feel that?

I knew the answer without asking the question as it truly has become almost automatic for me (and it can for you too if you simply are curious and start practicing).

In this case, I felt quite young walking behind the angry bull.

I was scared.

I felt my internal desire to fix things. To do SOMETHING, ANYTHING, so the bull would stop feeling so angry.

My young friend strolled next to me and I observed her.

“Ahhh yes Terra. Here you are in another learning opportunity.”

She definitely was holding a frequency I wished to embody.

…you Dearest, as you walk feeling the fear in your body…ask yourself…what does it need? Then my darling, you do your best to provide that energy. It needs to be seen, felt comforted? It needs love, compassion? It needs patience? It needs a place to simply Dearest, be felt and seen? There is a place in you that has felt alone. Bereft. Cut off from the Divine. This place needs to be seen for what it is. Without judgement. The five of cups is a step. In a Journey. You are not stuck there. You hold it Dearest, with awareness. And you take in the frequencies that are present. Your wise young friend next to you offering advice, perspective, and the frequency you wish to embody…

-a message from Guided Writing

It was later that night that we were in my room, in the first scene.

On the shuttle, I kept wondering about it all and what I could do about feeling drained and frightened around certain people and why their reactions bothered me?Why were boundaries still tough? How come I was scared, and she was serene?

Then there was that card. That troublesome card. What did it mean? Was I moping? What was I missing?

After our four hour shuttle ride turned out to be nine hours long, and my young friend and I had told the driver we were not willing for him to pick up any new riders (thank goodness for her strong heart and Spanish skills)…and after we had driven around what felt like a zig zag route through El Salvador, through traffic, through a storm (where I tried to just not look outside at what we were navigating), and I had managed to get a $10 refund, I was home, unpacked, in bed, and ready to sleep on it all.

By chance, I had rescheduled the call I had cancelled a few days before with my friend, Sandra, for the next day.

At 10am I sat and looked at her. She was coughing. The Equinox was not going well for her she said. She didn’t like that winter was coming.

And as I discussed recent events, I could see the other 5 of cups card from my older deck I used to use in my mind. I could see the moping, victim energy in it.

I really wanted to figure it out and move on.

This morning I wrote for guidance. The guidance I got was to find those places in myself that had felt alone and afraid and explore them.

So I parked myself outside on the steps next to my house, closed my eyes, and dove right in.

I am tenacious.

I am determined.

And I was going to figure this thing out and move beyond this fearful response in my system. I was not going to let go of my determination to “get this” figured out.

And I went back in.

I went back in to two challenging experiences in my past when I felt quite alone.

I can’t tell you exactly what I did other than I explored them. I was curious about them and my responses.

Be curious.

“Oh, that’s a surprise. I’m not just scared. I’m angry.”

“Oh, I have told myself I was all alone and that was really hard. But I CHOSE THIS. THIS EXPERIENCE HAS BEEN A GIFT.”

(Yes, that part needs capital letters…because as I sat for whatever time I was there…and I think it was 1 to 1 1/2 hours at least…I realized that I did choose all of this. I came here on purpose and I came here very aware and interested in having these experiences. And the thing I could also see is that I have absolutely never been alone with any of it. I have been supported subtly and not subtly many, many times… The subtle part is always there. That card with the cups…? Well, some are spilled, but some are full. It was time to notice the full ones. It was time to stop moping. It was time to have compassion for myself, sure. To see that those situations were hard (they were). And to know that I chose to go through them. So that makes them gifts. Because not only did I choose them, but I was supported the whole time.

Now, that may easily sound like a bunch of delusional words. I really, really feel experience is everything. You can read this, think of your own painful situations and tell me (reasonably and maybe correctly, that I am full of … “xxx”). That is fine. You truly may be correct.

Or you may wonder about your own experiences a bit?

You may feel a sigh of resignation.

“Not that AGAIN. I have worked on it. I am done with it.”

(That was me.)

But if any of this is landing in you in some way, then maybe sit down, ask your own version of trustable subtle beings, God, ancestors, or your higher self to dive in with you, and go explore where you have felt like a victim.

Then love what you find.

I mean that.

I didn’t write a lot about it and it is a big part of all of this.

Love what you find.

I have to love the young, scared version of me that was suffering behind the bull walking on the sidewalk up ahead.

That was my experience.

For my young friend, THERE WAS NO BULL.

Do you see what I am getting at.

I have to love what is.

I have to be brutally honest with myself.

I have to see that yes, I have been angry, for various reasons.

Then I love that.

Then I feel what else is there.

Grief? Oh yes.

Aloneness, just like the card I drew.

For sure.

I have felt just like that.

But that doesn’t make it true.

What I am sitting with is this:

I chose this.

I wanted to come for these experiences.

Every single one of them is and can be, a gift.

And I have never been alone.

I have been supported through all of it.

That is not to condone abusive energy. That is not to make people’s behavior “OK” so you can just suffer with it. It is intended to empower me and I hope you in some way.

Recently I have been told (last night at a party and today) that I am always “so happy.” And the person saying it is telling me they like to see me because of it.

But am I always “so happy”?

No, of course not.

Sometimes I am scared as “xxx”.

The thing is, I am learning to see that too, as a gift.

I mean it.

As a gift.

And that is kind of a happy thing, isn’t it?

****When I returned home, I noticed Raul had repotted my rose for me while I was gone. Something about that brought tears to my eyes. Nice ones. I am not alone. Not now. Not ever. Maybe that is a necessary step in learning to forgive.

****I still have to come up with some general disclaimer and this is it for now: none of this is therapy, or therapeutic advice. I am not a therapist. I am simply a writer, sharing my experiences. Please take care of yourself as you see fit. Get professional help if you feel you need it. And trust yourself, no matter what.