What does it take to live a meaningful life?

And moments from this past week in El Salvador... a new doctor, a dentist, and a photo from the beach

Photo by Castor, El Zonte Beach

I know.

If you decided to open this, you probably would love to hear the recipe.

I know I have been looking for it for many years.

What does it take to live a meaningful life, really?

Movies and TV teach us that money, looks, fame, and beauty matter a lot. It helps to be “smart” whatever that means. But if you are smart, it needs to be seen. I mean, how can your life have meaning if no one knows you lived or did anything, right? What if you do things and they don’t go as well as you hoped? What if your marriage didn’t work out or your kids struggle? Perhaps you don’t have a lot of money, despite how hard you work to succeed?

Does your life have meaning?

Then there are those people who seem to achieve all those things and often seem less than happy.

So, what is the key to living a meaningful life?

Well, I am here today to tell you what I feel gives life, yours and mine, meaning, whilst I weave in a few stories from El Salvador and this past week. These stories feel like threads that have a lot to do with living a life of meaning.

You see, despite what you and I have learned from society, I don’t believe we ever “get there.”

You know…you get to that moment where you breathe a sigh of relief and know all you have been through makes sense and you feel complete? There is a sense of meaning to it all. You finish and can stop trying so hard.

I don’t believe life is about getting anywhere, although I used to. I believe you and I are always in the process of something, and that is fine.

It is like we live in an ocean filled with currents of energy and it is always changing. Your environment will change no matter what you do and you will change and affect it as well.

And that, THAT in itself, gives your life a lot of meaning.

You are affecting things all the time and they are affecting you.

What you do amid those currents and how you learn to dance in this changing world is what your life is all about. It has meaning. Right now.

You are feeling something as you listen or read this. And the musical tone that is the energy of your soul is doing something.

It means something.

I don’t care if anyone sees it. I believe you and your energy are affecting things. I see it all the time. I see it when that photographer took the photo of me above, when I wasn’t looking.

It matters.

You matter.

Recently, I was almost late to meet my friend Suez, who was giving me a ride to the city.

The rains have come to El Salvador, and that means the tiny creek beside my casita is flowing. It has become a beautiful thing.

The water is clear, and I realized there is now a tiny waterfall dancing its way down the silver stones into a fairy pool. I saw this new little beauty when I sat on a bench a few yards from my casita, with my cup of cacao for my morning version of mediation. Sometimes, this means I close my eyes and see what happens. I did some of that. I prayed a bit. I observed my mind and saw how interesting it was. I talked to God. And I opened my eyes to the waterfall and the breeze playing through the green leaves of the foliage. It was a sensual thing. I closed my eyes again and felt the same breeze caressing my skin, gently. I sipped some more cacao.

All of that was absolutely soaked in meaning.

I wasn’t trying to be Eckhart Tolle and be present. But I also couldn’t help but savor all those things.

I wondered about my mind wandering as I would go into an alternative reality and play out full scenarios where I forgot where I was, here in this one. Then I wondered which reality is more real? (We always assume it is this one, and the other is simply a mind “wandering” uselessly). Which led me to observing the creativity of my mind.

You and I are dancing on so many varied levels of energy. Who is to say that your “daydreams” are less real than when you jolt back into awareness of “reality?”

What if, for a moment, we assume it is all real and that it all has meaning?

I don’t know what I am doing with my life. Really. Probably, I truly never have. And I still feel I can say something about what gives it meaning.

Perhaps that is because I am 57 and a guy on X named Rockstar told me to embrace being the matriarch he saw as me.

He also noted that I didn’t like the word when he used it. “It sounds old to you, doesn’t it?” he said.

I affirmed that, yes, it certainly did. It sounded old and slightly insulting, although I knew he meant it much differently. He was commenting on the wisdom that comes with age and perhaps other things. Besides, I can’t ignore that I now sport flowing silver locks. Rockstar also pointed out that he had observed me floating around and talking to many people, and affecting them more than they knew. I had asked him and his venture capital Google friend about one young computer genius I met that had recently stopped working for Rockstar’s company. He was a lovely guy. I think Rockstar saw something in me then.

Based on what he does in the world, his sense of my value means a lot to me.

So, I might as well embrace it and do my best with my stage of life.

That doesn’t mean I have to be old, though.

I am going to show the world how full of life and magic life at any age can be. How fun and entertaining it can be at times! I will never retire or feel satisfied driving around a golf cart, no matter what the condition of my body.

Joy and energy.

That is what I love.

And those two things together, when I can resonate in them, give my life a lot of meaning.

I plan to dust off my book and rewrite it and Kora, a writer here on Substack from künstlerroaming, who I found had also stayed in El Zonte, edited a few chapters for me recently. He did this for free, which felt incredibly supportive.

I haven’t started rewriting yet. The task is daunting. But I will eventually dive in and when I read that first chapter for the first time in a few years, I will have some comments to explore as well.

It also feels important to honor the timing of this journey. When I dive into my book, I plan to go deep.

Right now, I am busy settling back into El Zonte and El Salvador after visiting family for two weeks.

So, I will allow Kora Kwok’s comments to sit and leave them as “unopened” emails for a time, until I feel ready.

This week is busy.

I had an appointment with a doctor and a dentist.

And, after receiving the unexpected gift of some editing, I got another gift that showed up in WhatsApp on my phone.

One of the first things I did when I returned from the US, was to walk on the beach. Low tide was around noon and it was hot. There were tiny pools of water that burned my feet as I crossed an expanse of lava rock. But on the sand, when I walked close to the edge of the water, all was well and I was happy.

There are locals here who photograph the surfers and make their living in this way. Some of them know me.

That first morning back, a photographer named Castor sent the photo above to me as a gift, for free. He titled it: Breathtaking Woman.

Now, I found that incredibly kind (and I took in the energy of his gift and title, which has been a practice for me).

If I am going to be a Matriarch, I might as well be Breathtaking too. Why not, right? That has a lot more meaning than being Over-the-Hill, or Old now, doesn’t it?

But, more than the kindness of the act of photographing and sharing it with me, was the feeling I got of really looking at how he captured me walking on the beach. I could see how relaxed my hands were. I really do feel a lot of grace and gratitude as I walk on the sand. I contemplate life. I feel things. And that, that in itself, has a lot of meaning. I believe the energy I was feeling affected this sweet man who saw me and took a photo that he named “Breathtaking”.

The whole point of this is that I think so much has to do with energy. Besides helping me practice my Spanish, he texted this to me about it:

I love the picture too, you got my attention. Energy flows where attention goes!!🌊

Energy does flow.

You are an energetic being. You have an electrical charge.

Whatever you do is doing something, and that has meaning. People feel it. They feel you.

You will grow from your experiences. That has meaning too. It all matters. It may not happen as fast as you want. It may or may not be obvious to you in this moment, yet it is happening.

So, I took a moment in the morning to tell myself it was fine to take my time with my day and not to pressure myself into rushing into my book project the moment I returned.

I let myself feel how many things I want to do. I wanted to spend some time contemplating and meditating in the morning. I wanted to walk on the beach. And then I had an appointment with a doctor in the city.

Now, I don’t go to doctors. Not normally. And my experiences with traditional medicine have often been less than helpful and once left me with a case of PTSD. So, I told my son, who is my executor, that I want no conventional medical treatment unless absolutely necessary. I included something to that effect in my will, which I rewrote after my unpleasant hospital visit.

I imagine, after that little tirade, that you are now wondering why I was going to the city to see a doctor at all (and yes, he was an MD).

Well, I have health insurance here in El Salvador. I have 1M of coverage that also covers me when I travel to the US. (My biggest fear was getting in an accident there and ending up in a hospital with some huge medical bill).

I love my new health insurance and I love my agent here. Both feel reliable.

Then, I have always wished for someone trained in regular medicine who was more alternatively minded that I could call. If I ever ended up in an ER somewhere, I wanted someone for them to call who would be an advocate for me.

Recently, I spent time and money working with a lovely man who did an energetic form of allergy testing and detoxification. He suggested supplements and I sense that my cat allergy is now gone. My tentative tests petting cats have gone well so far and my eyes did not turn red, not did I start sneezing.

But Dr. Nelson is not an MD. He can’t advocate for me if I end up in a hospital. They would brush his advice off like the fly that keeps visiting me as I write to you here.

I think I was at the Bitcoin Farmer’s Market when my friend, Michael, mentioned that a new health food store I love is coming to El Zonte. Then he told me that the owner was an MD.

Now, the store is called Soya and sells fresh organic juices, nut milks, and other food items I love. Some things are vegan.

I figured this MD must be alternative and he might even not judge or object to my current vegetarian lifestyle.

I decided to track him down.

It was more challenging than I imagined.

Eventually, I was shopping at Soya and a girl working there shared her contact card for “Jefe”, which means “boss” in Spanish.

I got a WhatsApp conversation going with his office and scheduled an appointment with Dr. Luis May for two days after my return to the country.

Yesterday, I caught that ride with Suez and her family to the city. She and her husband were taking two little girls to somewhere called Dreamland, where there were rides and arcade games. My plan was to take an Uber from there to meet the doctor.

Unfortunately, the data had quit working on my international cell phone plan. That meant that anytime I got away from the Wi-Fi I was using, I was without Uber, WhatsApp, or Google Translate (which is almost like being without water in the desert here for me). Suez let me use her phone as a hotspot and made sure I got into the Uber before she went into the cotton candy frenzy inside.

I arrived a few minutes later outside Soya, at Dr. May’s office, with a sense of relief.

I hadn’t bothered to ask what he would charge. Honestly, I would have paid a lot for a local alternative doctor anywhere. I was expecting something around $350.

I got my phone hooked up to the Wi-Fi there. Then, right on time, a dapper man greeted me (the matriarch in me will also call him young, although I imagine he might be in his late 30s or early 40s).

He led me back to his office and spent an hour talking to me about my past and current health history. I told him about my PTSD experience and how I was told that after drugging me; it took 8 men to subdue me before they shoved me into a CT scan machine (all without my permission). So, I imagine you can see the reason for the past PTSD.

I remain proud that despite not remembering the event, it did take eight men to subdue me. I imagine all that chi gong energy work served me.

I told the new MD all of this and he seemed compassionate and understanding. I told him I chose not to take the you-know-what thing. He told me that was good.

I told him about my micro dosing. I could tell he understood and was not against my choices, although he could not condone anything as El Salvador and the United States currently are similar in their stance regarding psychedelic plant medicine.

Dr. May told me where to get full-spectrum light bulbs and that he had just learned more about the importance of natural sunlight and grounding the body from Dr. Jack Kruse a few weeks ago.

Then he gave me his private WhatsApp number and asked me to send him photos of everything I ate and the supplements I take for the next week. He wanted to meet again the following week to go over it all.

That was when I knew that finally, after so many years, there was a doctor in the world who would support me as I wished.

I went to pay my bill and asked about submitting it to my new health insurance company. The woman behind the desk looked at me a little quizzically, and said I could do so and most people chose not to.

At the same time she gave me a device to hold in my hand while a bio-scanner attached to a computer checked the energetic state of the organs in my body.

That took about one minute.

After the computer scan finished, she smiled at me and informed me that if I paid cash, my hour-long appointment came to $60 dollars.

It was my turn to look at her a bit quizzically. Honestly, I froze for a minute. It was hard to believe.

I decided not to submit it to my insurance company and she let me know they probably wouldn’t cover it anyway. My new doctor was considered “alternative”. I knew again, that Dr. Luis seemed like the perfect doctor for me.

Today, I have been busy snapping photos of food and supplements as I take them and texting them happily to Dr. Luis.

This morning, I studied my Spanish. Suddenly, I realized I was in a very dangerous situation with no working data on my phone. I had forgotten to take care of it.

In less than two hours, I had an appointment with a local dentist, who does volunteer work in the community.

It was also quite a challenge to find his contact information.

I knew his organization was called Bitcoin Smiles, and I couldn’t find anything else about it.

Happily, my new upstairs roommate came through for me. My roommate is from France and his father is a dentist. He told me that Enrique had done some fantastic work on his teeth and was one of the best dentists he had ever seen. He forwarded me his information, and I was all set up this morning with my appointment at 10:30, somewhere across the highway, here in El Zonte.

Enrique had not given me an actual address. He had sent me a photo from google maps with a general location and told me more specifics were coming.

At around 8:30, I realized I should see if I could get my data working on my phone. Otherwise, I might be roaming the streets with my scanty Spanish and no way to call Enrique, who had not yet sent me more specific information.

It took an hour and a half to get my phone working. The third apple support person, James, (I asked to speak to a manager eventually) and an intrepid Verizon assistant, Tracy, saved me.

We finished and it was time to leave. Enrique hadn’t responded with an address yet.

So, I grabbed my rain jacked just in case, slipped on my trusty Earth Runners, and headed out in his general direction. The roads were muddy from the rain the night before.

I headed up a hill that most cars would find impossible, and looked for anything that might resemble a dental office. But all I saw were tiny houses and enormous gates. There was also a white dog lounging in the middle of the so-called “street”. Enrique was not responding to my appeals for help or the photos I was sending of the various unmarked gates I was passing.

So I called my roommate for help.

He informed me he was busy signing paperwork and was in a meeting. Despite that, he still tried to help me.

It seemed I had gone too far up the hill.

So, I slipped my way back down and continued looking.

I was starting to think it was time to let the appointment go and try again another day. That was when Enrique got back to me.

A few minutes later, he waved to me from up above and I found his unmarked wooden gate. A truck passed us and Enrique waved and thanked the driver. He had asked them to go up the hill in search of me.

The gate to the dental office of Enrique Barrios, Bitcoin Smiles, El Zonte. Soon he will have a new office by the police station. He says he doesn’t put a sign on the gate as there is a limit to his capacity to help people for free, so he tries not to announce it too publicly.

This was not like life in the city. But my day felt like it was filled with a lot of meaning.

Enrique told me he has been working here for 20 years helping people. All the elderly people, he helps for free. He also teaches the children about dental hygiene.

He explained about his training and how he used to have a very lucrative practice in the city before he felt called to come back to his hometown and offer his gifts to uplift this community. He also learned about Bitcoin. So he accepts it in payment and named his offering, Bitcoin Smiles.

He told me he could 3D print things, like a new night guard if I needed it, do teeth whitening, or assist with implants (which he informed me were around $1300).

I didn’t need any of those things, and it was good to know he was there if I did.

Enrique’s office was tiny. It was not anything like the last office my holistic, recently retired dentist had in Del Mar, California. The office felt like I had stepped back in time.

I would have questioned my decision if it hadn’t been for my upstairs roommate and his very positive experience with Enrique.

Enrique informed me I didn’t have to remove my muddy shoes and ushered me into the chair in the room. There was only one small room with some peeling paint smattered with photos of Star Wars characters, including Darth Vader.

I told Enrique I was due for a cleaning.

So he and his deft and gentle hands cleaned my teeth while his assistant watched and periodically rinsed my oral cavity.

He then taught me a new way to floss and explained that I should move my automatic toothbrush vertically instead of horizontally to protect my gums.

He attempted to teach me Spanish while he cleaned my teeth, and he agreed to accept cash in payment and didn’t judge me for not using Bitcoin (another story).

I had checked before I left home to be sure I had a few hundred dollars with me.

In Del Mar, it would have cost way over $100 for a cleaning and they would have probably sold me on some teeth whitening as well.

Enrique complimented the varied colors he saw in my teeth. He wasn’t a fan of the straight, white veneers people get now.

The way he described the hues of my teeth made me feel like my mouth was a lovely piece of art.

Enrique also informed me that most people he sees are in much worse shape than me.

There was the cringe-worthy moment he mentioned finding worms in someone’s mouth (I know, that is exactly how I felt…and it was good I was lying down as I have no stomach for such things).

Enrique and his passion for assisting people with their health and teeth is far beyond any capacity I have.

When he finished my cleaning, he informed me that my bill was $35.

I gave him $60 and walked home.

I poured a glass of kombucha and sent a photo to Dr. Luis. I followed it with a photo of a slice of banana bread with raw, organic butter. Then a photo of an Energy Boost raw juice drink.

I feel loved, and I feel healthy.

My back is sore and I don’t know why. It is 7pm and I am still working on this. It isn’t as crafted as I would like. I didn’t exercise as much as I wanted.

Still…

I feel like my life has meaning. Because all of the things above matter. They matter a lot. I am changed for having experienced them and I think, in some way, the people I have been with are changed as well.

Enrique told me he is not popular in El Zonte with some people. He mentioned people dislike the fact that he offers services for free.

I find that confusing. Life and the way people relate to one another can be complex.

I could feel those energetic currents I wrote about to you in the beginning swirling around me.

The world is filled with many movements and energies.

Some things don’t feel good to me. And some things do.

What matters is that I will keep trusting myself and doing my thing.

I will share Enrique’s contact information with my friends who help people move here, and I will investigate what is going on in this community and why some organizations here do not promote Bitcoin Smiles.

My book is waiting for me.

And today is Wednesday. I enjoy writing this as an offering for you. I hope it resonates with you and that you feel the meaning in your own life and how you, too, affect people and the surrounding energy field of the world, regardless of what anyone sees.

These are a few excerpts I sent to another friend today in a text message:

Life is always a process. We never “get there” but it can get better.

It is hard…to navigate people, relationships, life…. to trust oneself. It is not an easy planet to be on, despite how exquisite it is.

And it is hard sometimes. But that has meaning too. That keeps things spicy.

---

Which leads me to this last bit…

Enrique, the dentist, sent me a lovely video someone made of his practice (if you are ok with seeing teeth and gums). It is in Spanish and another language I don’t speak or recognize (I am guessing Swedish). But I will include it here in case you want to get a feel for my new dentist and his practice.

And this is a QR code in case you use Bitcoin and would like to make a donation over the lightening network (Enrique is unbanked):

I wanted to link information to the local photographer’s page for you as well, in case you come surfing here sometime and might want some photos or need a tour guide. But when I went to his website, an unfamiliar word greeted me.

This led to a search of said word, so I could decide if I felt comfortable including a link to the website above.

The following is a bit from that search and a screenshot of words we don’t use so much in America..

If you are sensitive to some certain words, this is the time to stop reading, avoid the link, and pause the recording. Otherwise, please join me in this humorous exploration of the meaning of “fuckery”

Here is an example of its use, from Castor who features it on his landing page:

My dog is the king of Fuckery. He likes causing problems

Then there is what I found here on Quora, which makes the word feel useful for certain world situations:

Then there is this, which does not refer to the particular word I was researching, but did strike me as humorous. Humorous moments also make life feel meaningful to me.

Cheers to all the caterpillar/butterflies out there. Thanks for reading Becoming a Butterfly.