You know when something feels a little off? Trust that.

Your intuitive compass is your golden key to caring for your inner butterfly.

Morning Cacao, @westviewstudio.cr

Last week I wrote about being angry.

I wrote about swearing at someone who was crossing a lot of my boundaries.

I wasn’t proud of it. Maybe it was part confession?

And yet, I also had no regrets. I was ready to leave my mind’s idea of nirvana here, ready to leave my ocean-front casita with AC and pool, if necessary. My boundaries mattered more to me than nirvana. Outward circumstances can never make up for a lack of inner alignment with anything.

But things can get tricky. It can be easy to compromise yourself.

You know what I mean. I know you do.

I am talking about justifying things.

You know when something doesn’t feel quite right and you do it anyway?

Maybe you do it because you know “nice people” would and you want to be a nice person.

Or you think “spiritual people” do and you want to be spiritual. Shoot, you are trying so hard aren’t you?

Maybe you do it because that is what your parents taught you and it happens automatically, so fast you don’t have time to check in with yourself before you allow something to happen that you later regret.

Often the something you do that later feels off, seems simple. Something no one else would even notice.

Yet you keep thinking about it with a bit of irritation or frustration.

Why can’t you enjoy being “good” or “polite” or “thoughtful”? What IS wrong with you?

I may be off-base with all of this.

You may be quite good at feeling and expressing yourself clearly and one thing I know for sure.

Most people aren’t.

But it can be learned.

The first thing is to notice when something happens that doesn’t feel quite right and then ask yourself what you really wanted?

Did you want to share your dessert with that person at the table? Really? Or did you want to eat it all on your own?

Did you want to go on that date, or did you go because you told yourself it was worth a shot to try. You told yourself you should date someone for practice. Or, the person seemed lonely and you felt sorry for them. Maybe you were the one who felt lonely and decided to spend time with a draining person rather than feel your feelings…?

Are you talking to your mom because you want to or because you think you should?

There are so very many ways it can be easy to compromise oneself.

And it seems really, really important to me to learn how to feel my feelings, find what I really want, and then express it and honor it.

I want to be more clear with myself and in my communication.

Let’s get real here.

The world is f—ing confusing right now.

You can hear people offering passionate “scientific” arguments for absolutely opposing views. If you don’t trust yourself, you will put your trust outside yourself and then you are simply picking a side. “The science” is now simply an expression that seems more triggering than anything. Either you believe it and are angry others don’t “see” or you don’t and are angry there is so much censoring.

If you look outside yourself to be told what to do, you are giving your power away. Sure, it is good to listen to other people. I have an accountant and I ask him for advice. I trust him to compile my return. And I still ask questions. I still check that we are on the same page.

The same goes for doctors, lawyers, and teachers. They all have studied and I have respect for that. I listen and then I check and see if their advice, suggestion, or (in the worst cases) command-from-on-high feels like it resonates for me. Because when I don’t listen to myself, I usually pay a price.

Maybe you too have listened to some exercise guru, health “expert” or spiritual teacher and later felt maybe they were a bit off base? There is nothing wrong with that.

As my teacher, Beverly, used to say: “We live and we learn.”

I recently have been questioning the light product for which I created some promotional videos. I really believe in the healing power of light and loved the product, so I felt good about promoting it. Then I met some people who were telling me about something called “flickering” which can only be measured my a machine that costs thousands of dollars. It seems “flickering” is felt by some people with extreme sensitivities to light. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect everyone. Just that some people are more sensitive than others. Kind of like emfs from wifi and cell phones. They can be measured, even if you can’t feel them and so far, my take is that they are not particularly healthy.

Not to worry too much though as I also believe, based on some things I have seen by Veda Austin around her water research, that we are more resilient than we may think.

But, I recently had a chat with some emf-sensitive people about the new light I have and I am still considering things. I need to learn more before I keep recommending it. I need to feel into things. And that is ok. I and all of us are always learning and as we learn, it is just fine, to shift and grow our perspectives. In our own way. Based on what feels true for you and for me. We don’t have to agree. This is simply about maintaining integrity with where you are at in the moment, with what you know and how you feel. It is a heart and soul kind of thing.

You are a spark of divinity. If you put aside that little feeling of “not-quite-rightness” inside yourself to fit in or “be nice”, you will be looking at a less clear version of something outside yourself to tell you what to do.

Is that what you want?

(I realize I am in some ways talking to myself here as well, as I do really want to get this deep in my cells so I can create some new, more truthful ways of showing up in the world and with my friends. I want express my truth even with people who aren’t my friends. I frankly, just want to show up and know what I want. Which is not a small thing for many of us, including me.)

Now, you, at times, may not know what you want and that can be really hard.

What you want can easily be buried and seemingly inaccessible.

You, like many, many people, may have learned early on that what you wanted mattered much less than what people wanted from you. People-pleasing perhaps led to a much smoother ride in your childhood, even if it didn’t feel good.

And don’t get me wrong. I am not a proponent of the other side of this (which it has been easy for me to fall into during my parenting days). The other side is having your own children and wanting to do things differently. So instead of ignoring their feelings, you put their wants and needs ahead of your own. This is simply the other side of the coin. You still are skipping over your own needs and desires. It is likely you may not even notice they are there.

I am not talking about narcissism here.

I am talking about simply catering to other people’s needs (and this can be your own children or spouse). I am talking about feeling afraid if they are unhappy.

That isn’t so good either.

Maybe I didn’t do as badly as I thought when I responded to my recent boundary-crossing person’s question: “How are you doing, Terra?”

My response was (in case you missed it last week):

“I am f—ing angry!”

I mean, I did own my feelings.

Good for me.

Which brings me to recent events.

Recently, I was watching a new Climate Change movie that hasn’t been banned yet.

It explained why much of what I have been told about climate change may be false.

So, what am I to believe?

It comes down to this:

We live in an age, where you have to decide for yourself what to believe. And to decide that, you have to trust your inner compass and integrity.

Then you have to allow yourself to adjust your view point when it feels right.

You do not have to get the answer to questions correctly and get an “A” on your report card when you leave the planet.

That is just plain absurd and silly.

Who decided that grades are how we learn?

Silly.

We learn by doing, and adjusting. And doing and adjusting again. Over and over. We learn by getting things “wrong” which is only a perspective anyway.

I know this because I have been unconsciously trotting around this town, in the Central American heat, telling all the locals I am sexy.

What I wanted to say, when they asked how I was doing, was how I felt. Often, during these past two hottest-months-of-the-year, I have felt hot. “Estoy caliente!” I would say. (I have heat). Except in Spanish that means I am sexy and hot in the enticing do-you-want-to-sleep-with-me kind of way.

Recently, my friends at the local hotel-restaurant I frequent most days mentioned that what I wanted to say was “con calor.” Ok. I think they also tried to teach me the word for sweaty, and that one has not stuck yet.

After their caring lesson, the old phrase slipped out a few more times. Other’s corrected me. Maybe a few of them that hit on me did it simply because of my poor Spanish.

Me out loud: “I am sexy.”

What they might say to themselves in their head: “Are you really. Hmmm…..well maybe? Yes, maybe you are sexy? I am starting to feel a bit more friendly…”

Anyway, I got to practice yet a bit more today.

That is my hotel friends really spelled out to me what “estoy calor” means. I think they realized I was a bit slow on the uptake.

One of them pointed at Fatima, a young woman at the cash register taking my payment, and said she had a lot of boyfriends. That is what an estoy-calor kind of woman would have if you know what I mean?

So, we learn by doing and by making so-called mistakes. We find our way, often awkwardly.

But the hardest thing is to try to change being “nice” and people pleasing.

That one is tough as nails.

I think it feels like you will lie on a bed of nails if you go against that kind of societal and childhood programming.

But what do you have to lose really?

I mean, sure, you might be uncomfortable.

Sure, someone in front of you might be offended or not want to be your friend.

Sure, maybe you could have expressed yourself with more grace, ease and empathy.

It is best, in my view, to do what feels right to you without blaming people in front of you or venting.

Those are techniques you may be inclined to try so you can justify following your inner compass.

You know. You reason to yourself that it is fine to say or do what you want to do because (and then you come up with a list of all the reasons they do not deserve anything different from you).

But the key is simply this:

What do you want? In that moment?

You don’t need a reason or a justification. Are you hungry and thirsty? Do you want to eat what you have and drink your whole drink without feeling guilty that someone nearby might be hungry too? They might be. But who are you to say that they are not capable of meeting their needs? Why do you think you have to throw yourself under a bus to make other people happy? Can you suffer the pain and lie on the bed of nails long enough to follow through on what you really want to do? Maybe it will become a lot more easy? Maybe your energy will actually feel better to those around you? Maybe it will be more clear and less sticky to be with you, when there isn’t any hidden agenda tied in with your company?

If what you want doesn’t cross anyone else’s boundaries, then you are good.

You don’t have to people please.

I am sure some of this has to do with an upcoming trip I will go on tomorrow where trusting my integrity and inner compass will be very helpful.

And some of it has to do with a dog knocking over my cacao cup on the beach this morning. Cacao is heart opening and I was busy sitting on the beach, practicing experiencing the feeling of fun, feeling myself receiving care, feeling wanted in the world…with my newly brewed cup of cacao next to me.

I take this cup to the beach with me in the mornings.

It is part of my daily routine.

This time, the cacao was made my my friend, Fiona. She is another ex-pat here who teaches yoga, breathwork, and holds cacao ceremonies.

She grinds the cacao beans in her house into this powerful paste, sugar free, and sells it. It is labor intensive.

Fiona’s cacao. She said she will be shipping it soon.

This morning, I had some of Fiona’s cacao which I had carefully scraped out of its Tupperware container into my insulated mug with a spoon. Then I added hot water. The water had been lugged home by me from the grocery store the previous day as the local water truck seemed to be delivering questionable bottles to me (the water in my jug recently turned green when I came back from my most recent trip).

So, I had fresh cacao paste scrapings that were gently softening in my hopefully-potable hot water. To that I added raw, organic honey (which it also takes a special trip to obtain). Finally, the best part went into my morning brew. Some raw nut milk I had purchased the day before in the city.

I wasn’t sure what kind of nut milk it was as I didn’t know what Leche de Marañon meant. I was shopping in a store in a hurry with an Uber waiting outside. I could just tell it was some kind of nut milk and the woman behind the counter said it was good.

It was a special treat and an investment for me in my health. I only had a few days in town before my upcoming trip. But I figured I could polish off two small bottles before I left.

So, this morning, I poured a good amount of thick, white, creamy liquid into my equally-creamy honey-infused chocolate soup water. I also added a few drops of stevia. The truth is, I like things sweet. I avoid sugar and want things to be healthy. But sweet and salty are both appealing for me.

Which reminds me.

I added a sprinkle of sea salt too.

The tide was high and I took a few minutes to find an ideal place to sit on the lava rocks, just above the sea. I also brought a soft towel with me, so my sitting would feel even more comfy. That, along with my cup of cacao, and the ocean roaring around me was simply heavenly.

I closed my eyes and started to do the various practices I have been exploring with my new mentor, Alex. Alex has talked to me about teaching my body to vibrate with feelings and frequencies I want more of in my life.

So I started there.

I felt the feeling of fun in my body.

It is pretty easy to do this. Even if in the moment, you feel your current situation is fairly shi—y, I assume there is some memory of fun you can dredge up in your body. And if your life is so bad you would argue that with me, then you can look for a book or a movie you have read or watched to access the feeling.

So, no excuses here, ok?

Anyway, then I moved on to feeling care. I do this by remembering and feeling my grandfather. He always was so happy to see me. He never asked me what my grades were. He just liked me. I want to feel more of that kind of feeling, so I am practicing sitting on a lava rock and receiving care from my grandfather who simply liked me for being me.

I kept going. I was slowly cycling through my recent meetings and lessons with Mentor Alex. I think I had made it to the part about noticing people around me a bit separated from my energy field and was imagining myself choosing how I wanted to react or respond to them.

That is when the dog hit me.

My eyes were closed and I had been quietly sitting on my towel. The arches of my feet were placed on round lava rocks. I felt they were grounding me in the most delightful and supportive way. The waves were pulsing in and out and it was absolutely lovely.

I was feeling happy.

I am sure the dog felt it. Dogs are sensitive beings.

I happen to know this dog’s owner. He likes to take his dogs for morning walks on the beach and they run freely. Sometimes he is occupied in dog tussles with other owners and so far, they mostly haven’t bothered me. (Once two of them almost knocked me off my feet…so he had one strike against him for that, but mostly I tried to be more careful when I saw the dog owners coming).

This time, he had already passed me unnoticed, and rounded a bend. So only the dog was there, attempting to befriend me.

The first thing the cute small dog-puppy did was knock over my full cup of cacao. Then he scratched at me with his sandy paws and sharp claws on my bare legs while, tongue lolling, he smiled up into my face. He wanted to be friends. He wanted to play.

And I was mediating and talking to the sea and to God.

Honestly, I could appreciate the compliment and offer of friendship despite the pain from the scratching…but I was busy.

However cacao-knocking was another story. I knew it was an accident and I was angry.

My cacao poured down the dark lava rock in a thick, chocolate waterfall. The dog bounced around it and started sniffing at it as it approached the sand below.

I knew chocolate was bad for dogs and the owner was nowhere to be seen. The dog-puppy stuck his tongue in it for a moment and then the owner’s voice could be heard from around the corner.

The dog pricked up his ears and bounded away.

I looked at my cacao despondently.

Then I sat and felt how angry I was.

I told myself, that this too, was happening for me.

So what was I going to do with it?

I let myself feel angry. I felt the anger coursing through my body. It felt like simple power. Powerful energy that was flowing through channels inside my body.

Sure, it wasn’t as comfortable to feel as other things like care, fun, and the feeling of the universe wanting me.

But why was it bad? At least that is what I asked myself.

I also played out a few scenarios of what I wanted to say to the owner, who is honestly a friendly, animal-loving guy who recently got chickens to add to his menagerie.

So, I noticed my mind doing that too and I stayed curious about the anger.

I was surprised when I suddenly noticed I was sad.

I could feel it in my throat.

The right side of my throat definitely felt teary. So I put my hand there to offer some care and kindness to that part of myself. I realized it made sense I was sad.

I had lost my cacao and it was just like a younger version of me had dropped her ice cream.

Then I noticed that the dog owner and the dog, did not do anything purposely. Those words from my second mushroom journey resonated again for me and I saw and heard the message play through me: “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

I made a plan and decided I will ask the dog owner to keep a closer eye on his dogs when he sees me meditating on the rocks. I will let him know my cacao got knocked over.

He may or may not change. But the main thing for me is that I will say something. I will do my best to take care of myself without a lot of blame or anger.

I can always keep my cacao closer or come up with new strategies. But I won’t simply “be nice” and say nothing. And I don’t have to go hunt him down and vent either.

I simply can practice feeling my feelings, noticing things, find what feels right, and act accordingly. And I can change my mind. I may feel differently when I see him. I want to do what feels authentically aligned for me in that future moment. Honestly, I can’t say what that will be.

It is definitely not easy to do any of this but it is important.

How can any of us make choices and live in this world unless we trust ourselves? Unless we let ourselves feel angry, and thus, feel what we really want and need? How can we discern things like climate change, vaccines, government laws and regulations, and even things about money…if we don’t allow ourselves to trust ourselves?

Eventually, I made my way home and prepared a second cup of cacao. I texted Fiona that I did want to buy more today if she had time to make it. I want to bring it on my upcoming trip to share with the family member I am visiting.

Cacao is said to be heart opening and the heart, is a good compass for discerning one’s journey.

Next, I will do my best to feel my anger every time I practice duolingo. I am quite dedicated and do this almost every day.

Recently duolingo added something called the “demotion zone”. They put me in it periodically. Maybe I will leave if it keeps bothering me…

Who are they to think they can demote me?

The world is absolutely crazy.

And we don’t need to be demoted or graded anymore do we? We don’t need scores for anything?

How do you feel? Are you getting what you need?

What would be fun for you today?

What feels easy?

Those questions, for me, seem quite key.

Blessings on your journey. From El Salvador.

The photo was from a few days ago. I didn’t have my phone with me this morning (probably a good thing). But I loved my cup of cacao enough to take a portrait of it. It seemed like a good image to include to share the feeling.

I will also include a video/audio here from a few days ago, of my thoughts from the morning, sitting at the beach.